I have a confession to make. I don't believe in resolutions. I never make them, so I'm going to start a new tradition. Instead of resolutions, I'm going to make some confessions. They say confession is good for the soul, so as we come to the close of 2009 and look ahead to a sparklingly clean 2010 (and a brand new decade to boot), I think it's time to do a little soul cleansing. I've learned a lot about myself over the last year through dating so here are my nine confessions for 2009.
Confession #1: I'm a nice woman. If you're looking for a bad woman you're not going to find it here. I'm nice — too nice, some might say. I've discovered that some people just don't know what to do with a nice woman. They're so used to being treated like crap that they don't know how to react when someone treats them with respect. Sometimes I wish I could be more of an bitch, but at the end of the day, I'm a nice woman, for better or worse. They say nice woman finish last, but I'm banking on that not always being the case.
Confession #2: I'm not perfect. By the time you're done reading this column, you'll probably think this is an understatement, but I really hate being put on a pedestal. It's an awfully long way to fall, and trust me, I will fall eventually. I'm a bit of a klutz that way.
Confession #3: I'm not a confrontational person. This could be a continuation of my first confession, but it's a separate issue in that it very directly affects how I deal with people, especially people I'm dating. I'm always up for calm, honest discussion, but I don't like fighting. I also don't like approaching subjects that I know might upset the person I'm dating. This is something I need to get over, and since I'm aware of it, I'm working on it. After all, communication is the key to any healthy relationship.
Confession #4: I'm not as confident as I pretend. Five years in an unhealthy relationship and a really ugly ending took its toll on my self confidence. I've gained a lot of it back over the past year, but it's still pretty shaky, to be honest. It's a work in progress. Unfortunately, you don't get over being made to feel invisible and unattractive for years on end over night. Sometimes, I still can't quite understand why anyone would really be interested in me. Hey, I'm working on it.
Confession #5: I'm still figuring things out. I do feel like I'm moving in the right direction, at least, but I have a ways to go yet. One thing I definitely noticed recently was that I spent most of the last year subconsciously dating guys who were as opposite from my ex as possible. It was a good realization since that's not necessarily healthy. I was attracted to the good things about him — they're why I fell in love with him — and those are the same qualities I really want to find in the next guy I fall for. There's no need to throw the baby out with the bathwater, as the old saying goes. That was a valuable lesson for me...and I think it will be a turning point in my dating life.
Confession #6: I sometimes wish life was more like third grade. Remember how simple life was back when if you wanted to know if someone liked you, all you had to do was pass them a note that said, "I like you. Do you like me? Circle Yes or No." It's so much more complicated as a grownup. I often feel like stomping my foot and maybe throwing myself back on the ground while kicking and screaming. You have to decipher clues and hints and body language, and most of the time you still don't know for sure. Yes, there's always the direct approach, but so many guys are scared off by that. And then there are those whole confidence and non-confrontational issues...
Confession #7: I have a lot of walls. Complicating things even more is the fact that I have some major trust issues these days. I've been hurt a lot by people I loved and trusted, so I've built some pretty heavy duty walls. You practically need to be a ninja to get over these things. I know have a tendency these days to keep even those closest to me at an emotional arm's length, and that's something else I'm working on. Add it to the list. I've been trying to let them down a little lately, especially with friends. Now, I just need to find a guy I trust enough to let down all my defenses.
Confession #8: I want what I can't have. I know I'm not alone on this one because I hear it from other people all the time. Why is that we all seem to want what we can't have? We fall for guys who are unavailable, either by physical or emotional distance. Maybe it's all a weird sort of defense mechanism. If they're unattainable, it remains in the realm of what if and we never really open ourselves up to getting hurt. I'll continue trying to figure out the allure of the elusive lover.
Confession #9: I like myself. Despite all these confessions, I like who I am. My confidence may not be where I'd like it to be yet, and maybe I need to learn to be more direct, and maybe I have a lot of walls, but essentially, I like the person I've become. I didn't for a while. Being in a bad relationship turns you into someone you don't even recognize. I feel like I've been reborn in the past year. I'm becoming the person I really want to be. It's a slow process, but I've already come so far. I know my weaknesses and I'm working on them. Dating has taught me a lot about myself, and I'm sure the lessons are far from over. I don't know about you, but I know I'm looking forward to what 2010 has to bring. As writer Aisha Elderwyn once said, "Every new year people make resolutions to change aspects of themselves they believe are negative. A majority of people revert back to how they were before and feel like failures. This year I challenge you to a new resolution. I challenge you to just be yourself."
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