Do you believe in what people call "soulmates?" I, for one, do not. I’ve been told my way of looking at love is cynical but I don’t think so. I believe that a person call fall in love with anyone, given the timing is right. People fall in and out of your life, I don’t believe in destiny, things happen for no reason and you are left to try to control it - although you know you can’t. I only try to convince myself things are meant to be when something negative happens. But in the end, I don’t think it works like that.
My friends are not my friends because they are better than other people - I’ve learned to love them by being around them and getting to know them. If I spent time with most people, granted they weren’t extremely rude and had no interest in me, I could probably love them just as much as I love my friends now.
But somethings I find harder to explain, like the way you can meet people who just feel right for you. But then again, this might also be coincidence - and timing. But it is all so very shallow. I wish I could look at people and oversee their physical appearance. But of course that’s not possible. But if it was, I really wonder what I’d see.
But do not mistake me, if there is something I believe in it is love.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Trapped Inside My Brain
I have never tasted love.
I have never been blessed with the true feeling of love. I've always felt like an outcast in that way. Placed beside the world of loving individuals. Like it's not meant for me. You see, I'm a dreamer. And in my dreams I'm head over hills in love and it's mutual. Unfortunately, this makes me an observer. I observe everything and everyone around me, and the importance of my own actions fails. It's like I'm trapped inside my brain and completely unable to... do life. I think I'm in love with the thought of being in love, how cliché it may sound. And I don't want to wait forever. Maybe I'm just gonna have to accept it. Maybe there is this insignificant number of all the billion people on earth, who just aren't supposed to fall in love...
I have never been blessed with the true feeling of love. I've always felt like an outcast in that way. Placed beside the world of loving individuals. Like it's not meant for me. You see, I'm a dreamer. And in my dreams I'm head over hills in love and it's mutual. Unfortunately, this makes me an observer. I observe everything and everyone around me, and the importance of my own actions fails. It's like I'm trapped inside my brain and completely unable to... do life. I think I'm in love with the thought of being in love, how cliché it may sound. And I don't want to wait forever. Maybe I'm just gonna have to accept it. Maybe there is this insignificant number of all the billion people on earth, who just aren't supposed to fall in love...
But There You Are
Here I am, remembering about us again. I don’t know why all this is coming back now. I've dealt with it in virtually every aspect of my life, because the similarities seem to come up in some way or another. and you know what? I haven’t let myself fall for anyone again. No one has made me feel the way you could make me feel, and I wonder if anyone ever will.
All I know right now is that I’ve grown up a lot since then. And it makes me smile every time I think about it. I guess because I don’t like to admit to myself that all that drama and all that attention back then, I loved it. I loved it at first when I wasn’t worried of the possibilities that came later. I loved the way you made me feel. I loved how you could always make me laugh, and how many times you’d catch my eye in the middle of that laughter, and for a moment i believed that things could be different.
Deep down though, I guess I always knew they never would be.
That was the problem-- you were way out of my league, and I knew that. It made it so frustrating, so ironic, that I couldn’t help myself from having such a hopeless crush. But it was because you were different. You were one of the few guys I always had respect for, you were the one who I laughed with and looked forward to seeing every day. I don’t know if you knew it or not. Everyone else sure did. But you gave me a chance, and I let down my guard. I tricked myself into having hope, when I so clearly shouldn’t have had any. And from there, I suddenly freaked out. I suddenly realized how much it was screwing me up, and I couldn’t do a thing about it.
For the past two years, I’ve been trying to let it go. Trying to move on with my life, avoiding any brush I might have with the past, avoiding any encounter I think I might have that would change the way things were. They were over. And I wanted myself to believe that.
But the thing is, it’s not over. I guess I’m just now realizing that it’s never going to be over. Maybe I should have dealt with it better than I did. But, I couldn't, and when I left, things were a mess. They still are. I thought it would go away; I thought I would forget you and everything we once were.
But I haven’t. I’ve wished so many times that I could forget, but there you are-- constantly on my mind, it seems, because tiny little things always trigger my memory. I try to push it away, instead of dealing with it. That’s what I do with anything that makes me uncomfortable. I suppose I should be learning how to understand my own emotions. I certainly have enough of them, and that’s hardly your fault. hell, I don’t even know I'm writing this. It’s not like you’ll ever know what I think. I am a distant memory to you, if anything. I see you and I can tell what you're feeling. I know things will never be the same between us. You love her, and she's all that matters to you. She's all that will ever matter to you no matter what I do and no matter what I say. And even though every time I see you is a turning point in my life, it will hardly matter to yours.
I guess I should get used to that.
All I know right now is that I’ve grown up a lot since then. And it makes me smile every time I think about it. I guess because I don’t like to admit to myself that all that drama and all that attention back then, I loved it. I loved it at first when I wasn’t worried of the possibilities that came later. I loved the way you made me feel. I loved how you could always make me laugh, and how many times you’d catch my eye in the middle of that laughter, and for a moment i believed that things could be different.
Deep down though, I guess I always knew they never would be.
That was the problem-- you were way out of my league, and I knew that. It made it so frustrating, so ironic, that I couldn’t help myself from having such a hopeless crush. But it was because you were different. You were one of the few guys I always had respect for, you were the one who I laughed with and looked forward to seeing every day. I don’t know if you knew it or not. Everyone else sure did. But you gave me a chance, and I let down my guard. I tricked myself into having hope, when I so clearly shouldn’t have had any. And from there, I suddenly freaked out. I suddenly realized how much it was screwing me up, and I couldn’t do a thing about it.
For the past two years, I’ve been trying to let it go. Trying to move on with my life, avoiding any brush I might have with the past, avoiding any encounter I think I might have that would change the way things were. They were over. And I wanted myself to believe that.
But the thing is, it’s not over. I guess I’m just now realizing that it’s never going to be over. Maybe I should have dealt with it better than I did. But, I couldn't, and when I left, things were a mess. They still are. I thought it would go away; I thought I would forget you and everything we once were.
But I haven’t. I’ve wished so many times that I could forget, but there you are-- constantly on my mind, it seems, because tiny little things always trigger my memory. I try to push it away, instead of dealing with it. That’s what I do with anything that makes me uncomfortable. I suppose I should be learning how to understand my own emotions. I certainly have enough of them, and that’s hardly your fault. hell, I don’t even know I'm writing this. It’s not like you’ll ever know what I think. I am a distant memory to you, if anything. I see you and I can tell what you're feeling. I know things will never be the same between us. You love her, and she's all that matters to you. She's all that will ever matter to you no matter what I do and no matter what I say. And even though every time I see you is a turning point in my life, it will hardly matter to yours.
I guess I should get used to that.
I Don't Want To Be Your Best Version
You give me the kind of feeling people write novels about. I mean that in the worst way possible. I mean the kind of novels that make you cry when you’re writing them and when you’re reading them.
I don’t know how we got here. I have no idea what tricks of fate and destiny lead us to be where we are now. What I do know is that this feeling is familiar and I hate that this is an endless cycle of you constantly letting me down. So here’s what I’m doing. This one is for me. I think you’re old enough to make your own mind up. And I think it’s time you did.
For so long I have waited, hoped, wished and based everything I’ve done on you and maximising my chances of seeing you or talking to you. But this is it. The end of the line. From now on I will not stare at the phone waiting for a message, a call, a voice of hope. From now on I will walk forward when I see you and I will move forward. I will not search for you in crowds or hope to get surprise visits at work. From now on, things will be for me, for my benefit and you won’t be a deciding factor.
They were never surprise visits anyway. They were all after thoughts of a planned event that so happened to be near my work. You never went out of your way to see me. I was the after thought. I always was. To you, I was plan B. And though you would never admit it to me, I always knew I was. I don’t think you were ever really honest with me, I don’t think you knew how to be honest. When I asked you a question there was always a pause before your answer, like you were trying to see ahead to my reaction before you jumped in. It isn’t fair. You were never fair.
Starting as the ‘other woman’ was the end of who I was. I thought I was happy with who I was, who you made me to be. After cogitating who I was and my personal perspective of myself, I came to a conclusion. I hated who I was, who you made me to be. There was no way that you brought out the best in me. And I don’t know that you ever could.
I was the secret in your relationship with her. And I don’t know that I was the only one. You’re shady. You aren’t always honest. You aren’t clear. And sometimes, I don’t think I know you.
You never told me how you really felt. There were snippets. Titbits. But the truth was never told. I haven’t heard the full story. And I don’t think you’ll ever tell me. At least, not until you’ve realized no other woman is going to even consider accepting you and your shady antics. And as much as I don’t want to, I can’t think about anything other than you. And I hate it.
But between fights you, you found out how I felt. I tried so hard to hide it, to bury it inside, but that night, I erupted and the lava of my emotions flowed out and hit you square in the face. And you did the worse thing possible. I will never forget what you did. And I don’t think you will either. You ran. And even though you didn’t want a relationship, you denied it all, you backed off and you ran. But there is no denying this, we were never just friends.
You could never accept that there was definitely something strong between us. You hide behind your ego. But when the shadows faded and the real you emerged, another barrier rose. You’d tell me you didn’t want to get hurt again. Well, to be honest, you telling me that hurt me. For you to think that I would do anything like what she did to you proved to me that you didn’t know me. You don’t know me. And I don’t think you want to. Not until you realize that I’m it. But I’m not always going to be here. Like you said, I have a lot to experience in life and I’m not going to waste it waiting for you to decide.
So here’s what I want. I want you. I want to you to want me. I want you to want me first. I want there to be no one else. I want it to be me.
So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to stop dwelling. I’m going to stop watching the phone. I’m going to stop looking for you. I’m going to move on. I’m going to meet people. I’m going to live. I’m going to forget all the nights I spent wishing you were here. I’m going to forget the times that it was just us. I’m going to forget the things that shouldn’t have happened. I’m going to forget all the times I opened myself up to let you in, to only get hurt in return.I’m going to forget how I felt about you.
Instead, I’m going to subconsciously wait. If you really want me, if you miss me, if you can’t breathe without me, you’ll know. You’ll ring. You’ll text. You’ll visit. And if you drift, if you don’t call, if there’s no texts, if there’s no visits. I’ll know. I’ll know it was never meant to be. And I will continue moving on. And I’m going to walk tall.
But in between everything I will forget, I won’t forget the lesson I’ve learnt. I won’t forget the feeling of loving someone. I won’t forget the feeling of thinking I’m loved. And I will certainly not forget the hell I was put through to learn all this, to become a better person.
I remember you telling me that ‘you’re never the same person twice’. Good. I never want to be this person again. And I am going to do whatever I can to make sure I am the best me I can be. I don’t want to be your best version. This time, it’s for me.
I don’t know how we got here. I have no idea what tricks of fate and destiny lead us to be where we are now. What I do know is that this feeling is familiar and I hate that this is an endless cycle of you constantly letting me down. So here’s what I’m doing. This one is for me. I think you’re old enough to make your own mind up. And I think it’s time you did.
For so long I have waited, hoped, wished and based everything I’ve done on you and maximising my chances of seeing you or talking to you. But this is it. The end of the line. From now on I will not stare at the phone waiting for a message, a call, a voice of hope. From now on I will walk forward when I see you and I will move forward. I will not search for you in crowds or hope to get surprise visits at work. From now on, things will be for me, for my benefit and you won’t be a deciding factor.
They were never surprise visits anyway. They were all after thoughts of a planned event that so happened to be near my work. You never went out of your way to see me. I was the after thought. I always was. To you, I was plan B. And though you would never admit it to me, I always knew I was. I don’t think you were ever really honest with me, I don’t think you knew how to be honest. When I asked you a question there was always a pause before your answer, like you were trying to see ahead to my reaction before you jumped in. It isn’t fair. You were never fair.
Starting as the ‘other woman’ was the end of who I was. I thought I was happy with who I was, who you made me to be. After cogitating who I was and my personal perspective of myself, I came to a conclusion. I hated who I was, who you made me to be. There was no way that you brought out the best in me. And I don’t know that you ever could.
I was the secret in your relationship with her. And I don’t know that I was the only one. You’re shady. You aren’t always honest. You aren’t clear. And sometimes, I don’t think I know you.
You never told me how you really felt. There were snippets. Titbits. But the truth was never told. I haven’t heard the full story. And I don’t think you’ll ever tell me. At least, not until you’ve realized no other woman is going to even consider accepting you and your shady antics. And as much as I don’t want to, I can’t think about anything other than you. And I hate it.
But between fights you, you found out how I felt. I tried so hard to hide it, to bury it inside, but that night, I erupted and the lava of my emotions flowed out and hit you square in the face. And you did the worse thing possible. I will never forget what you did. And I don’t think you will either. You ran. And even though you didn’t want a relationship, you denied it all, you backed off and you ran. But there is no denying this, we were never just friends.
You could never accept that there was definitely something strong between us. You hide behind your ego. But when the shadows faded and the real you emerged, another barrier rose. You’d tell me you didn’t want to get hurt again. Well, to be honest, you telling me that hurt me. For you to think that I would do anything like what she did to you proved to me that you didn’t know me. You don’t know me. And I don’t think you want to. Not until you realize that I’m it. But I’m not always going to be here. Like you said, I have a lot to experience in life and I’m not going to waste it waiting for you to decide.
So here’s what I want. I want you. I want to you to want me. I want you to want me first. I want there to be no one else. I want it to be me.
So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to stop dwelling. I’m going to stop watching the phone. I’m going to stop looking for you. I’m going to move on. I’m going to meet people. I’m going to live. I’m going to forget all the nights I spent wishing you were here. I’m going to forget the times that it was just us. I’m going to forget the things that shouldn’t have happened. I’m going to forget all the times I opened myself up to let you in, to only get hurt in return.I’m going to forget how I felt about you.
Instead, I’m going to subconsciously wait. If you really want me, if you miss me, if you can’t breathe without me, you’ll know. You’ll ring. You’ll text. You’ll visit. And if you drift, if you don’t call, if there’s no texts, if there’s no visits. I’ll know. I’ll know it was never meant to be. And I will continue moving on. And I’m going to walk tall.
But in between everything I will forget, I won’t forget the lesson I’ve learnt. I won’t forget the feeling of loving someone. I won’t forget the feeling of thinking I’m loved. And I will certainly not forget the hell I was put through to learn all this, to become a better person.
I remember you telling me that ‘you’re never the same person twice’. Good. I never want to be this person again. And I am going to do whatever I can to make sure I am the best me I can be. I don’t want to be your best version. This time, it’s for me.
Apology
I think I may have lost that one person. That you want to hate but you can't because despite all the pain you love them so much. Hate is not an option. I still love you I fear I always will. I know it is mostly my fault for resisting you and putting up a barrier. Something I created out of knowing that you could break my heart in a moment. I think I may have lost you. And I just want you to know I am sorry. I just wish you could see how much I love you. And I hate myself for not showing it to you more. And now I have learned too late that barriers don't protect me they just hurt you. And that breaks my heart more then anything. I loved you right away because you saw through me and did not care how hard I made it. You were kind and generous. I love you with all my heart and I hope you can somehow forgive me for pushing you away. You made me delicate and I wake up crying thinking of how far you are. I am sorry for playing hard to get after the games were over. I love you with all my heart.
When The Time Is Right It Will Happen
Realizations of love and general inspiring thoughts:
I just wanted to say I think the best people in life are the ones that get brokenhearted, time and time again and can still open their hearts to love after the exasperating pain of heart break. Those are the best kinds of people in life.
The ability to love anything and anyone is a gift. And anyone who hasn't found love yet should not fear, because it's fear that drives you to insanity and worry. But its hope that sends you to belief and opens your heart again to love and for love. And once you've found it, and really found it, love will never let you down. It will be faithful and kind. Love will be beautiful and unpredictable. And even though I haven't found it, I feel all these things for it. I don't know why and I don't know how, but I can tell you I really do believe in love.
I just wanted to say that to anyone who is going through something right now, because I'm in a state of heart broken heartedness, and over my best friend that I have loved to the core of my soul for about 3 years of my life. But unfortunately he doesn't feel the same. He wants to find something better I presume and I'm not that. I've sometimes felt unworthy of love and inadequate, almost useless. But one day I'm gonna get over it and I'm going to find love and love will find me back. And to those who are broken, it may not seem like it now, but take me for example with such an emotional attachment like mine it cannot be overcome in a day. But I know it's gonna happen for me.
I know this sounds like a motivational talk for everyone but I was just feeling inspired. I just wanted to get one of the nice things I was feeling about love off my chest. But of course I'm angry, hurt and frustrated sometimes, that's a natural emotion just know you should be all driven to smile and be happy with the thought of the hope of love.
And to those who have found love, be happy. Don't let go, hold on tight, because he or she is a keeper. And be inspired by that love, because people like myself who long to find 'the one' envy you and can't wait to be in your position. But I say to myself everyday when the time is right it will happen. And it will. I believe in love, do you?
I just wanted to say I think the best people in life are the ones that get brokenhearted, time and time again and can still open their hearts to love after the exasperating pain of heart break. Those are the best kinds of people in life.
The ability to love anything and anyone is a gift. And anyone who hasn't found love yet should not fear, because it's fear that drives you to insanity and worry. But its hope that sends you to belief and opens your heart again to love and for love. And once you've found it, and really found it, love will never let you down. It will be faithful and kind. Love will be beautiful and unpredictable. And even though I haven't found it, I feel all these things for it. I don't know why and I don't know how, but I can tell you I really do believe in love.
I just wanted to say that to anyone who is going through something right now, because I'm in a state of heart broken heartedness, and over my best friend that I have loved to the core of my soul for about 3 years of my life. But unfortunately he doesn't feel the same. He wants to find something better I presume and I'm not that. I've sometimes felt unworthy of love and inadequate, almost useless. But one day I'm gonna get over it and I'm going to find love and love will find me back. And to those who are broken, it may not seem like it now, but take me for example with such an emotional attachment like mine it cannot be overcome in a day. But I know it's gonna happen for me.
I know this sounds like a motivational talk for everyone but I was just feeling inspired. I just wanted to get one of the nice things I was feeling about love off my chest. But of course I'm angry, hurt and frustrated sometimes, that's a natural emotion just know you should be all driven to smile and be happy with the thought of the hope of love.
And to those who have found love, be happy. Don't let go, hold on tight, because he or she is a keeper. And be inspired by that love, because people like myself who long to find 'the one' envy you and can't wait to be in your position. But I say to myself everyday when the time is right it will happen. And it will. I believe in love, do you?
Maybe I Love Him
His ways, the way he treats me is not out of the ordinary. We were talking three years ago but turned out he didn't want anything so nothing happened... well not nothing per-say. He wanted to be friends, I said fine but I have been on an emotional roller coaster with him that I have told him we can't be friends several times. I have ignored, we have stopped talking and everything your friends tell you how to get over a crush that didnt work out. But with all these advice there's nothing you can really do but be addicted to him. We had a "No Strings Attached" moment and still continuing but it's not as much as before considering the fact he has someone now. I have done the crying and the rejection feeling has passed, at least I always lie to myself that it has. Now we are "friends" I talk to him like any guy friends I have had but this one has a flirt recipe in it and he does the same. He claims he cares for me, he claims he wants me in his life, loves talking to me and yet nothing would ever happen. I stopped having hope but when you hear someone say "you never know." Never say never. I just want to punch him ni the face but I can't help that I like him... a lot and enjoy his annoying presence and remind myself we will never ever be together. So I say to myself I will get over him, he will be a memory of the past, eh will be gone or maybe I love him? But that can't be... it really can't but I do wish I was over him and wish he can just leave me alone for real this time not for a week or so then tell me he misses me.
This has got to be a phase... because love can not be.
This has got to be a phase... because love can not be.
Is It Too Late For Me
I have always been a free spirit. I am constantly looking for something fun and new. If I get bored or restricted, I run. I have never thought of myself as a slut or whore, but someone who likes to do what they want when they want with who they want. I rarelt think about the consequences and like to go with what I feel at the time. I never go out looking for trouble, but trouble always seems to find me, and trouble always comes in the form of a guy. I have no problems attracting attention from the opposite sex. It's just that it's never the "right" attention. A typical night out would be my friends and I at a bar/club and a cute guy buying me drinks and dancing with me. For me, it's all about chemistry. It's either there or it's not. Unfortunately, the initial spark between myself and a male always just leads to sex and nothing more.
Looking back, I have been with many guys and unfortunately none of them have been meaningful. I never have usually hooked up with anyone for more than a month or so. When I do develop feelings, I try my best to hide them in fear of being rejected (because most guys don't want relationships).I have been told by several guys that I have been with that they like me because I am a girl who just "likes to have fun." I am a fun and easy going person and that's what people like about me, but does this mean that I can't be in a relationship?
I am scared that I will never love or truly be loved. I have been in one relationship where I hurt my boyfriend of the time very badly. Perhaps this is karma. I was young, stupid and selfish. I just turned 26. Recently, I have been feeling more alone than ever. I have great friends, but none of them seem to really understand what I feel. Guys that I am attracted to and who I also in turn attract are always those who are never emotionally available. One guy that I was hooking up with for a while that I started developing feelings for a couple years ago even told me that I am not "girlfriend material."
Perhaps I am evolving and I do want something more stable, because I have never been a part of something real. I know I stopped myself before from liking/loving someone because I have a fear of them leaving me or hurting me, but now I am even open to that possibility. Is it too late for me? Everyone already sees me as "the fun girl", so how do I change? How do I attract the right type of guys who are willing to love me for me?
Looking back, I have been with many guys and unfortunately none of them have been meaningful. I never have usually hooked up with anyone for more than a month or so. When I do develop feelings, I try my best to hide them in fear of being rejected (because most guys don't want relationships).I have been told by several guys that I have been with that they like me because I am a girl who just "likes to have fun." I am a fun and easy going person and that's what people like about me, but does this mean that I can't be in a relationship?
I am scared that I will never love or truly be loved. I have been in one relationship where I hurt my boyfriend of the time very badly. Perhaps this is karma. I was young, stupid and selfish. I just turned 26. Recently, I have been feeling more alone than ever. I have great friends, but none of them seem to really understand what I feel. Guys that I am attracted to and who I also in turn attract are always those who are never emotionally available. One guy that I was hooking up with for a while that I started developing feelings for a couple years ago even told me that I am not "girlfriend material."
Perhaps I am evolving and I do want something more stable, because I have never been a part of something real. I know I stopped myself before from liking/loving someone because I have a fear of them leaving me or hurting me, but now I am even open to that possibility. Is it too late for me? Everyone already sees me as "the fun girl", so how do I change? How do I attract the right type of guys who are willing to love me for me?
I Want To Love You
Everyday I tell myself that your not longer a big part of me. Sometimes I really believe it, sometimes I actually think that you don't mean anything to me. Every time that thought appears I feel relieved, I feel less vulnerable, it feels like you can't affect me anymore.
I've repeated this thought so many times that I've almost made it true. At the same time it makes me so freaking scared of moving forward, cause what happens when you stop loving someone? What happens when you someday wake up and realize that this person actually doesn't mean anything to you? Cause that day will eventually come. The only thing you have left is the beautiful memories that you hopefully will carry with you your whole life. But I'm so afraid of that day coming, because I don't want it to. I don't want it to happen because I want to love you.
I've repeated this thought so many times that I've almost made it true. At the same time it makes me so freaking scared of moving forward, cause what happens when you stop loving someone? What happens when you someday wake up and realize that this person actually doesn't mean anything to you? Cause that day will eventually come. The only thing you have left is the beautiful memories that you hopefully will carry with you your whole life. But I'm so afraid of that day coming, because I don't want it to. I don't want it to happen because I want to love you.
Scared I'm Chasing Nothing
It’s not that I think you’re not important when you don’t have anyone, because I don’t. I truly don’t. I believe you can never really know what you want in someone else until you know yourself – completely and wholly - when you only have yourself to rely on. I know far too many people who are in relationships of comfort – because they don’t want to be alone. And it’s sad, because they rely so much on this social institution for validation. I am proud to say I have dealt with loneliness, and I’m not afraid of it. I am not afraid of my independence and I am not afraid of my own company. I am proud to say I have become a strong, level-headed person because I have had such a long time to consider myself and my surroundings and my feelings and my opinions with a clear head, one that is not muddled by the fog of a relationship and love and my heart. For these reasons I am glad it’s taken me this long to find someone, because I think when it happens, I’ll be able to handle it and make the most of it.
But fuck, sometimes I just get sick of being lonely. I get sick of having to rely on myself and my imagination for any kind of deeper mental or emotional stimulation. It’s getting to a point now where, I’ve had way too much time to think. My heart is forming cobwebs because the people I met, the experiences I’ve had so far, just aren’t cutting it. I think my imagination has had far too much time to become so specific in designing what my heart wants, I’m scared reality is just never going to compare. How can it? I never really gave it a chance. I’m torn between wanting only the best for myself and impatience. How much longer is it really going to take?
I feel like it’s impossible because I’ve made it impossible. I want magic. I want to feel such an intense pull towards someone it’s like our worlds just crashed into each other, changing them and me and everything I thought I knew. I want fireworks, and butterflies and magnetism, something tumultuous and huge and exciting and new. I want something to pull me out of myself and my head and my over-analysis and make me feel again, because I’ve forgotten. And I don’t think I can get it back on my own. But I’m scared I’m waiting out for a super unrealistic ideal that I’ve created for myself. I’m scared I’m chasing nothing. And every day it’s getting harder and harder to have faith in myself and everything I believe in.
But fuck, sometimes I just get sick of being lonely. I get sick of having to rely on myself and my imagination for any kind of deeper mental or emotional stimulation. It’s getting to a point now where, I’ve had way too much time to think. My heart is forming cobwebs because the people I met, the experiences I’ve had so far, just aren’t cutting it. I think my imagination has had far too much time to become so specific in designing what my heart wants, I’m scared reality is just never going to compare. How can it? I never really gave it a chance. I’m torn between wanting only the best for myself and impatience. How much longer is it really going to take?
I feel like it’s impossible because I’ve made it impossible. I want magic. I want to feel such an intense pull towards someone it’s like our worlds just crashed into each other, changing them and me and everything I thought I knew. I want fireworks, and butterflies and magnetism, something tumultuous and huge and exciting and new. I want something to pull me out of myself and my head and my over-analysis and make me feel again, because I’ve forgotten. And I don’t think I can get it back on my own. But I’m scared I’m waiting out for a super unrealistic ideal that I’ve created for myself. I’m scared I’m chasing nothing. And every day it’s getting harder and harder to have faith in myself and everything I believe in.
Is It Possible
"let's skip the charades
you're seeing right through me anyway
can we just speak plain
we're playing for the same team"
you're seeing right through me anyway
can we just speak plain
we're playing for the same team"
I never knew I could fall so hard for my best friend. We both knew it could potentially ruin our friendship but we still gave in to the explosive need to be with each other. For a long time we basked in our own fantasy land of sneaking around our other friends and making sure no one knew what was really going on behind the closed doors. It was exciting, addicting and nothing has ever felt so right. You said things to me that I wish I knew earlier, we became closer than we've ever been. I knew with the time apart, you would have time to hit realization that not only you have been with you best friend. That I might lose you to the social stigmas I always wanted to protect you from. Is it possible that we can be each others one and only both as a best friend and a lover? Is it possible that you may also have feelings for me but are too scared to express them? I am not willing to lose our friendship over this risk of love, but I know if we take the risk together we can work through anything and have both through each other. We just need to talk, communicate like we always have...but I haven't heard from you in a few days. This never ending battle in my head tells me to reach out to you but also combating is the idea that I will push you away with my persistence.
For you I’d just be there. Someone to talk to, share things with, confide in…someone to ask you how your day was and you’d be comfortable enough to share, without fear of ridicule or disinterest. Someone to cuddle with and share intimate moments with, someone you will always feel safe with. We can play together, laugh together, and cry together. Know when you want to be alone and when you want someone to hold you close. Understand your limits and know where to draw the line. Know your friends and accept them all as my friends. I would trust you and be trustworthy enough for you. You will have no fears with me, live dangerously and make everyday an adventure. Live life and love it, have no regrets. Be alone and never be lonely. Passion kindness, honesty, happiness, sincerity and respect will be everyday words. Hatred, sadness, contempt and hypocrisy will never come about. A million people in the world and I only have eyes for you. Wear your emotions on your sleeves and I will care for them as my own. Give me a smile and I will give you my whole. Be there for me and I’ll be there for you a thousand times over.
To Those Crazy Jealous Girlfriends
This is to those crazy jealous girlfriends. I have to admit I am one of you. I never wanted to be, never thought I would be, but then I fell in love for the first time and found out what is like to see the love of your life with his ex. Last night I let my emotions get the best of me and freaked out when he hugged her…it was just a hug and I flipped. I don’t understand why I get so jealous. He’s mine all mine not hers and I know that and he knows that and he makes sure that I know that. He loves me with all his heart and shows it even when I get into bitch mode. He is my sweetheart and yet I treat him like shit when his ex walks into the room. He asked me this morning how could anyone that "loved" him treat him they way I did. I didn’t have an answer but now I do. It's because I love him so much because I never want to lose him or see him in someone else’s arms. I want him to be mine forever and at times I get selfish and stupid and freak out for no reason. But it’s because I’m so deeply in love with him. But I pushed him pretty far away last night. So far that I’m not sure he is coming back. But I pray to God that he does. Because if I lose him I don’t know what I’m going to do. So, honey, this is my sincere apology. You’re my whole life you’re my whole world. I’m so sorry I turn in to a selfish bitch from time to time, my job in this relationship is to work on that, and I can tell you that I’m going to. And to all those other crazy girlfriends like me this is a warning, don’t let it get to the point of no return, change, it’s that simple. I know how you feel and I understand when jealousy gets the best of you but I’m sure your boyfriend loves you just as much as mine loves me (which is a shit ton) and if we are just crazy and freakin out all the time how are we showing them that we love them back, so work on it, all of you. That’s my advice for the day, basically to sum it all up crazy bitches need to stop being crazy bitches.
Always and Forever
Always and Forever
Sunday, July 3, 2011
There Are No Rules
I don't know enough about anything to preach to anyone, I don't have enough life experience to make assumptions about love, about what it means and what it does to us. But I've caught on recently, to something. through a series of painful realizations, it's started to make an odd sort of sense. not real sense, but the crazy, uninhibited sort of sense that only love can make. I've realized that everything we make ourselves do, everything we put ourselves through, there's no reason for it. The things we say, the places we go to on dates, the public display of affection, the hand holding, the little notes, we only do these things because that's all we know of love. That's what we've seen on television and read about in books.That's the kind of love that we've been taught, is real. But it's only action. And actions might speak louder than words, but feeling means more than action. It's like a twisted game of rock-paper-scissors.
I know that these things often do accompany real love. Because if you're in love, you want to hold his hand. You want to leave a little note in his jacket pocket for him to find in the wash a week later, give to him, and know he's thinking of you. You want to smell him, you want him to hold you and tell you that you're perfect just the way you are. You want to kiss him and make him feel good. You want to listen to the music he listens to, just in the hopes that it will help you understand him better. You want to know everything. You want to put his needs ahead of your own, and you want to do it all so that he knows you love him. But doing it when you're legitimately in love isn't playing by the rules. Because in love, there are no rules. No one to tell you that you're doing it wrong, not even yourself. Because to worry and nit pick over the small things is to look back. And love means not looking back. Love means holding him, and being afraid. Because you could lose him at any moment, but that fear is what keeps you hanging on. In love, anything goes, and that's okay. That's what is so beautiful about it.
Is love fear? I don't think so. But what do i know? My life isn't even a quarter of the way through, and I think about things like this? I think about a lot of things that scare me actually. what I loved about him was that he was my best friend. He didn't scare me, not until he left. And now looking at him, every time, it tears me up. I wonder where I went wrong. Which rules did I break? But I realized, recently, that the only rule I broke, was assuming that there were rules. Because there aren't. I realized too late, that in love, there are no rules.
I know that these things often do accompany real love. Because if you're in love, you want to hold his hand. You want to leave a little note in his jacket pocket for him to find in the wash a week later, give to him, and know he's thinking of you. You want to smell him, you want him to hold you and tell you that you're perfect just the way you are. You want to kiss him and make him feel good. You want to listen to the music he listens to, just in the hopes that it will help you understand him better. You want to know everything. You want to put his needs ahead of your own, and you want to do it all so that he knows you love him. But doing it when you're legitimately in love isn't playing by the rules. Because in love, there are no rules. No one to tell you that you're doing it wrong, not even yourself. Because to worry and nit pick over the small things is to look back. And love means not looking back. Love means holding him, and being afraid. Because you could lose him at any moment, but that fear is what keeps you hanging on. In love, anything goes, and that's okay. That's what is so beautiful about it.
Is love fear? I don't think so. But what do i know? My life isn't even a quarter of the way through, and I think about things like this? I think about a lot of things that scare me actually. what I loved about him was that he was my best friend. He didn't scare me, not until he left. And now looking at him, every time, it tears me up. I wonder where I went wrong. Which rules did I break? But I realized, recently, that the only rule I broke, was assuming that there were rules. Because there aren't. I realized too late, that in love, there are no rules.
The Glass Girl
I feel like I am made of glass. And at any moment, all my pieces could shatter and break. It's always easier to blame other people isn't it? It would be easy to say that you did this to me, that you became such a part of my soul, that your departure from my life sent me spiraling out of control. And maybe to an extent that's true. There's no doubt that I gave my heart to a man who ran so far away with it that I'm not sure it will ever really come back. But to put all that blame on you would be naive, and I would never want to flatter you in that way. The truth is, I was broken before you came barreling into my life. And now that you're gone, I'm just one step closer to shattering. My problem isn't making someone else fall in love with me, it's falling in love with myself. I've struggled for years to be happy with who I am, and I made the mistake of letting someone else try to make me happy, make me more alive. But how can I fault someone for falling out of love with me, when I have never even loved myself?
I Will Keep Waiting for You
I've never been so sure of anything. It's like, I've finally come to understand the difference between dread and fear, and those nervous butterflies that everyone keeps talking about. You want to know how I know? Because when I'm with you, I feel those butterflies fluttering around inside of me. But they don't make me want to run the other direction, like the fear has done before. If anything, they make me want to press myself as close as I can to you- skin to skin, heartbeat to heartbeat, because when I do that, the butterflies quiet their wings for a bit and they let me feel you. Feel all of you. And it's in those moments that I realize that the fear I feel is only surface level. It's the kind of fear you feel right before you turn on a bright light after hours of being in the dark- just a few seconds before you open your eyes to see something so beautiful, something you couldn't see before. For the first time in my life, I don't want to run away. I want to be with you, I want all of you.
But you don't want me, and as you go from girlfriend to girlfriend, hurting when they hurt you, you're overlooking something so important. You know that I love you, and you've told me that you love me too. It doesn't make sense that you would continue to go for girls that you know will break your heart, when I'm here- loving you endlessly. So you know what I think? I think that you're scared. You're scared that it's possible for someone to love you as much as I do, and you don't want to get hurt. But honey, what you don't seem to understand, is that I'm that one person who would never hurt you.
Even though it's breaking my heart, I will keep waiting for you to realize what is right here. I dare you to love me back, because I'm that person that you're looking for. The one that won't hurt you, will never leave you, and will always love you. That's me. I love you so much.
But you don't want me, and as you go from girlfriend to girlfriend, hurting when they hurt you, you're overlooking something so important. You know that I love you, and you've told me that you love me too. It doesn't make sense that you would continue to go for girls that you know will break your heart, when I'm here- loving you endlessly. So you know what I think? I think that you're scared. You're scared that it's possible for someone to love you as much as I do, and you don't want to get hurt. But honey, what you don't seem to understand, is that I'm that one person who would never hurt you.
Even though it's breaking my heart, I will keep waiting for you to realize what is right here. I dare you to love me back, because I'm that person that you're looking for. The one that won't hurt you, will never leave you, and will always love you. That's me. I love you so much.
Give Up On Love or Die Trying?
Love is something wonderful, so they say. And I've trusted them, until right now.
How come I haven't experienced what everyone's talking about? "It comes when it comes," my very-much-in-love-friend said with a smile. "I didn't search for it, it came to me." She flashed another smile. Those two sentences felt like a knife through my chest. So, I'm just supposed to wait? I don't want to wait anymore. I've been waiting and searching for almost 27 long years. I want to be able to feel, touch and taste the "love" that is supposed to be out there. Because love, that is what I've answered when people ask what I think life is all about. But now I don't know anymore. Because I can't keep hoping, waiting and praying for it to appear forever. Because then I will die without having to experience life, since the whole meaning with life is just that- love. It hurts for me to realise that love is all around me but somehow I'm not even allowed to have a tiny, small piece.
Should I give up on love, or die trying?
How come I haven't experienced what everyone's talking about? "It comes when it comes," my very-much-in-love-friend said with a smile. "I didn't search for it, it came to me." She flashed another smile. Those two sentences felt like a knife through my chest. So, I'm just supposed to wait? I don't want to wait anymore. I've been waiting and searching for almost 27 long years. I want to be able to feel, touch and taste the "love" that is supposed to be out there. Because love, that is what I've answered when people ask what I think life is all about. But now I don't know anymore. Because I can't keep hoping, waiting and praying for it to appear forever. Because then I will die without having to experience life, since the whole meaning with life is just that- love. It hurts for me to realise that love is all around me but somehow I'm not even allowed to have a tiny, small piece.
Should I give up on love, or die trying?
Late Night Insecurities
Its 2:04 a.m and I'm awake,not surprisingly.
A few years ago I wouldn't have been surprised by my actions. Caught off guard, or even ashamed of myself. I didn't care what they thought. His stupid friends, the other girls. My demons were out in the open. Unmasked. For everyone to see. I was shameless. I was jealous. I was clingy. I was the controlling girlfriend whose only language was "nag". I was insecure. At some point in that relationship, I somehow learned to control those emotions. I eventually used the same insecurities he installed in me against him, using them to push him away. Knowing I deserved better, with the understanding that I'd never be strong enough to walk away myself. He was simple, to rid myself of, after numerous failed attempts. My lack of confidence, not so much. It lingered.
Then you came along. Still in control, I found it easy to mask the fears of abandonment, rejection, and not being good enough from you. How could I let you know I was damaged? That my heart had been so dismantled prior to your repairs or that the butterflies I felt with you, were so unfamiliar to me. What if you knew that my own smile was not recognizable to me in the months before you came into my life. Would you want a damaged heart? No. I would hide my demons from you. To you, I was still worth something. I was beautiful, not fat. Sincere, not a liar. Charming, not annoying. I was happy, a little crazy, and slightly up and down, but I was passionate. Not dramatic. Even the moments in which I would mispronounce something, turned into intimate and memorable moments in which I was adorable. Not stupid. I was everything to you I had always wanted to be to somebody, anybody. To this day, or night, I remain amazing in your eyes. Your love for me is still beyond my comprehension.
It's been a while now. My demons have stayed dormant. Unbeknownst to me, they have been growing stronger all the while. How could I have known, that while you were making me feel like the luckiest girl in the world, so special and beautiful, I was so insecure beneath it all. We aren't in a relationship at the moment, at least not the kind that provides us with the security of labels. Nothing is what you expect these days, I'm learning, as I realize each day I only miss you more and not less like people tell me. From the "Oh, it hurts now, but in a month, you won't even feel it." to "you'll find someone new in no time". I should know your the only one I can rely on for the truth. And the truth is, it doesn't get easier being just your friend. It isn't a piece of cake to turn away from the comments of flirty remarks. These girls are like ants and your like sugar. They all want you, and now, as just a friend, I can do nothing more than sit back, keep quiet and pray one of them isn't more charming than me. These days, that's not setting the bar high. Recently my jealousy has surfaced. Stronger than before, I bear no control of the emotion. It's lashed out a couple of times, crossing the friend zone lines and into the boundaries of a psychotic ex. Even at that, you find me cute, letting my unwarranted possessiveness stroke your ego. As the days go by, my insecurities and self doubt have continued to expose themselves in the form of heavy sighs and clingyness, leaving me no control over my thoughts, words or tears. Today, I hope, was the lowest I can go. As far as breakdowns at least. I cried. I revealed all my unconcealed insecurities. Baring to you the inner workings of my messed up mind. I am pretty sure your now aware just how damaged I may be. It just happened; all of my feelings I've tried to keep hidden from you for this long, escaped in the form of quiet sobs. You never miss a thing. Your so in tune with me that even as I tried to steady my voice, soften my breathing and tell you "no" I wasn't crying, you knew. I can't fool you. We're just that connected. I couldn't stop. The tears just kept running and by the time I said goodnight we had both cried. Not even 10 minutes has passed before...plop. Word vomit. Out come all my insecurities. Texted to you of course, in fear of rejection. As if it would hurt less that way if you decided I'm just a little too crazy. But you don't. You listen. And you respond with all the things you would find in a "how to be the perfect man" handbook. And yet again, I'm in awe of you. They don't go away that easily, and I'm no longer naive enough to believe that they might. But you definitely make me feel a little more normal than perhaps I really am.
In the last few years we've loved and laughed and had some really awesome moments. We've cried and yelled. We've said some hurtful things to one another. I've been stubborn and a pain in your ass at times. You've been selfish in such selfless ways and a complete asshole in a few moments. We have together dealt with stalkers, bad timing, relapse and judgment, among many other obstacles. You have been there for me in so many ways and I can only hope I have helped you in others. Yes, the last year has had its many ups, and the occasional down, but were still here, and somehow we have managed to stayed honest, true, and head over heels for one another. You have become my best friend, my lover, and the man of my dreams. While my insecurities may stick around to keep me up late for some time to come, and at times they may leave you feeling accused or aggravated, just know that with every "I love you" you say, brings much comfort in the fact that for that day, your heart is still mine.
It's now 4:05am.
A few years ago I wouldn't have been surprised by my actions. Caught off guard, or even ashamed of myself. I didn't care what they thought. His stupid friends, the other girls. My demons were out in the open. Unmasked. For everyone to see. I was shameless. I was jealous. I was clingy. I was the controlling girlfriend whose only language was "nag". I was insecure. At some point in that relationship, I somehow learned to control those emotions. I eventually used the same insecurities he installed in me against him, using them to push him away. Knowing I deserved better, with the understanding that I'd never be strong enough to walk away myself. He was simple, to rid myself of, after numerous failed attempts. My lack of confidence, not so much. It lingered.
Then you came along. Still in control, I found it easy to mask the fears of abandonment, rejection, and not being good enough from you. How could I let you know I was damaged? That my heart had been so dismantled prior to your repairs or that the butterflies I felt with you, were so unfamiliar to me. What if you knew that my own smile was not recognizable to me in the months before you came into my life. Would you want a damaged heart? No. I would hide my demons from you. To you, I was still worth something. I was beautiful, not fat. Sincere, not a liar. Charming, not annoying. I was happy, a little crazy, and slightly up and down, but I was passionate. Not dramatic. Even the moments in which I would mispronounce something, turned into intimate and memorable moments in which I was adorable. Not stupid. I was everything to you I had always wanted to be to somebody, anybody. To this day, or night, I remain amazing in your eyes. Your love for me is still beyond my comprehension.
It's been a while now. My demons have stayed dormant. Unbeknownst to me, they have been growing stronger all the while. How could I have known, that while you were making me feel like the luckiest girl in the world, so special and beautiful, I was so insecure beneath it all. We aren't in a relationship at the moment, at least not the kind that provides us with the security of labels. Nothing is what you expect these days, I'm learning, as I realize each day I only miss you more and not less like people tell me. From the "Oh, it hurts now, but in a month, you won't even feel it." to "you'll find someone new in no time". I should know your the only one I can rely on for the truth. And the truth is, it doesn't get easier being just your friend. It isn't a piece of cake to turn away from the comments of flirty remarks. These girls are like ants and your like sugar. They all want you, and now, as just a friend, I can do nothing more than sit back, keep quiet and pray one of them isn't more charming than me. These days, that's not setting the bar high. Recently my jealousy has surfaced. Stronger than before, I bear no control of the emotion. It's lashed out a couple of times, crossing the friend zone lines and into the boundaries of a psychotic ex. Even at that, you find me cute, letting my unwarranted possessiveness stroke your ego. As the days go by, my insecurities and self doubt have continued to expose themselves in the form of heavy sighs and clingyness, leaving me no control over my thoughts, words or tears. Today, I hope, was the lowest I can go. As far as breakdowns at least. I cried. I revealed all my unconcealed insecurities. Baring to you the inner workings of my messed up mind. I am pretty sure your now aware just how damaged I may be. It just happened; all of my feelings I've tried to keep hidden from you for this long, escaped in the form of quiet sobs. You never miss a thing. Your so in tune with me that even as I tried to steady my voice, soften my breathing and tell you "no" I wasn't crying, you knew. I can't fool you. We're just that connected. I couldn't stop. The tears just kept running and by the time I said goodnight we had both cried. Not even 10 minutes has passed before...plop. Word vomit. Out come all my insecurities. Texted to you of course, in fear of rejection. As if it would hurt less that way if you decided I'm just a little too crazy. But you don't. You listen. And you respond with all the things you would find in a "how to be the perfect man" handbook. And yet again, I'm in awe of you. They don't go away that easily, and I'm no longer naive enough to believe that they might. But you definitely make me feel a little more normal than perhaps I really am.
In the last few years we've loved and laughed and had some really awesome moments. We've cried and yelled. We've said some hurtful things to one another. I've been stubborn and a pain in your ass at times. You've been selfish in such selfless ways and a complete asshole in a few moments. We have together dealt with stalkers, bad timing, relapse and judgment, among many other obstacles. You have been there for me in so many ways and I can only hope I have helped you in others. Yes, the last year has had its many ups, and the occasional down, but were still here, and somehow we have managed to stayed honest, true, and head over heels for one another. You have become my best friend, my lover, and the man of my dreams. While my insecurities may stick around to keep me up late for some time to come, and at times they may leave you feeling accused or aggravated, just know that with every "I love you" you say, brings much comfort in the fact that for that day, your heart is still mine.
It's now 4:05am.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Soak Up Every Second
I was someone else's when you came into my life. However, I knew from the first time we hung out that you were meant for me. You have been with me for almost three years. I don't know how we made it through the second year, seeing all we did was fight. But you believed in us, sometimes more than I did. I often wake up and wish that we could fast forward and start our lives together, but when I really think about it, why rush? You're mine forever, might as well soak up every second. So here's to loving you more with every beat of my heart.
I Feel Good
Right now, I feel good. I feel good knowing that you care about me. I feel good knowing that you will give me a chance. I feel good knowing you see me for what I am, not what they say I am. I feel good when you send me messages to tell me how much you care, because you don't know how I'll react if you tell it to me in person.
I want you to know that I like you so much. I want it to be us. Us two against the universe. I want you to know that each time I go to bed a picture of your face is stuck in my mind. I want you to know that when I'm at work you're in my mind all of the time. I want you to know that right now – you are the reason I'm staying up til early hours of the morning, hoping you will talk to me.
I love how you tell me I am beautiful. I love how you kiss me in the most passionate ways. I love how you smile at me when I said something silly. I love the way you hold me when I'm sleeping. I love how you wake me up in the middle of the night just to tell me you love me and ask if I am okay.
You're a handsom man. You're so amazing that a thousand of people deserve to hear about you. You're so good, you're so bad, that everybody wants to be on your lips. Oh baby, I won't mind getting up at 4 am each day just to leave you satisifed before work.
I think I'm falling in love with you. It feels good.
I want you to know that I like you so much. I want it to be us. Us two against the universe. I want you to know that each time I go to bed a picture of your face is stuck in my mind. I want you to know that when I'm at work you're in my mind all of the time. I want you to know that right now – you are the reason I'm staying up til early hours of the morning, hoping you will talk to me.
I love how you tell me I am beautiful. I love how you kiss me in the most passionate ways. I love how you smile at me when I said something silly. I love the way you hold me when I'm sleeping. I love how you wake me up in the middle of the night just to tell me you love me and ask if I am okay.
You're a handsom man. You're so amazing that a thousand of people deserve to hear about you. You're so good, you're so bad, that everybody wants to be on your lips. Oh baby, I won't mind getting up at 4 am each day just to leave you satisifed before work.
I think I'm falling in love with you. It feels good.
I Don't Believe in Love Anymore
I don't believe in love anymore. I once was love's biggest fan. I loved love. I believed in love at first sight, true love, soul mate, all that mushy-gushy stuff the best songs and books are written about. It's what every little girl dreams about. One day my prince will come....blah blah blah. I used to believe in love. I was in love, like I'm talking head over heals, stars in your eyes in L-O-V-E. I loved you with all my heart even though I knew you weren't perfect. You were always more sure about us. Then we broke up for a short time, but our hearts led us back together after three months of not ever really being broken up. When I found about you and her being intimate, I thought my world would end. But time heals all wounds right? And you were so sorry and it was the biggest mistake of your life and I took you back once again. We were happy again and more in love than ever. Then you said you wanted to take things further when the summer ended. And from there we would live happily ever after, you even knew what you wanted to do but wouldn't tell me the surprise. I was living every girls fantasy. Against the odds we were soul mates made for one another. You went on your bowling trip and wrote me romantic emails. Then an e-mail came later on down the road saying it had all been a lie. A lie? Three years was a lie? What should I be more upset about my broken dreams and broken heart, or the fact that I fell for it? Only fools fall in love, and love played me like a fiddle. So I don't believe in love anymore. Because if you don't believe in love there is nothing to cry about, and I don't have anymore tears to cry. So I gave up on love because it gave up on me.
Putting This Puzzle Together
I’ve always been able to control everything, except for my heart, especially around you. When you walk into a room, there is no controlling that light-headed feeling along with a serious bout of butterflies. No matter how many times my head has tried to talk myself out of you, it seems to me, that love conquers all sorts of rationality.
The womanizer, the guy I swore I’d never fall for, that is you. I didn’t want to be just another girl in your stable chock-full of women. But we have a deep friendship that runs past our sexual attraction to one another. That other night when we were together, I felt like you and I were best friends, yet the sexual tension could have been cut with a knife. I longed so much to just passionately kiss you, but I couldn’t for fear of the aftermath. My persistence on the speed of the relationship last time messed up a lot of things. You proved not to be ready for any sort of serious commitment, and now you may be, but I’m far too afraid to ask. I want you and your heart so terribly bad, but my fear of rejection is crippling me.
We’ve had our ups and down. I’ve convinced myself I hated you, I’ve convinced myself you didn’t care about me. I’ve told all my friends that you are a big idiot, a silly guy who I could do much better than, and they agree. But I always let you right back in. It is like you are the only person who I’ve ever given a key to my heart. You know my goals, my hopes, my fears, my struggles. I can try to hide them from you with my sharp words and short answers, but you are the only one who seems to be able to read the thoughts right behind my eyes. But with you, I never really know. Could your charm be deceiving me into thinking that you really care? That is what my head tells me, night after night. But when you remember my favorite book and my feelings and ask me about my family and tell me you believe in me, it is hard to think that you are just trying to sleep with me.
Our run-around has gone on forquite a few years, and I just want us to be together. I think you are finally getting in a state where you can handle a relationship, and I don’t want anyone else. I can’t say I will wait for you, but my heart knows I will. I’m so afraid you will fall for someone else, but then when you contact me to just say hi and talk to me, my fears melt away.
When I see you, the feelings are intensified even more. It is so hard for me to resist you, and I wonder if you feel the same way. And even if you do, I wonder if you are too afraid to do anything about it. A womanizer like you can’t possibly give his heart to just one girl, settle down, can he? I don’t know, but I would love to feel what a real relationship would be like with you. We both know it would work and be magical, but we are mutually afraid to fall.
You are my puzzle. I can control every other aspect of my life, but my feelings for you never seem to dwindle. I just wish we could start putting this puzzle together.
The womanizer, the guy I swore I’d never fall for, that is you. I didn’t want to be just another girl in your stable chock-full of women. But we have a deep friendship that runs past our sexual attraction to one another. That other night when we were together, I felt like you and I were best friends, yet the sexual tension could have been cut with a knife. I longed so much to just passionately kiss you, but I couldn’t for fear of the aftermath. My persistence on the speed of the relationship last time messed up a lot of things. You proved not to be ready for any sort of serious commitment, and now you may be, but I’m far too afraid to ask. I want you and your heart so terribly bad, but my fear of rejection is crippling me.
We’ve had our ups and down. I’ve convinced myself I hated you, I’ve convinced myself you didn’t care about me. I’ve told all my friends that you are a big idiot, a silly guy who I could do much better than, and they agree. But I always let you right back in. It is like you are the only person who I’ve ever given a key to my heart. You know my goals, my hopes, my fears, my struggles. I can try to hide them from you with my sharp words and short answers, but you are the only one who seems to be able to read the thoughts right behind my eyes. But with you, I never really know. Could your charm be deceiving me into thinking that you really care? That is what my head tells me, night after night. But when you remember my favorite book and my feelings and ask me about my family and tell me you believe in me, it is hard to think that you are just trying to sleep with me.
Our run-around has gone on forquite a few years, and I just want us to be together. I think you are finally getting in a state where you can handle a relationship, and I don’t want anyone else. I can’t say I will wait for you, but my heart knows I will. I’m so afraid you will fall for someone else, but then when you contact me to just say hi and talk to me, my fears melt away.
When I see you, the feelings are intensified even more. It is so hard for me to resist you, and I wonder if you feel the same way. And even if you do, I wonder if you are too afraid to do anything about it. A womanizer like you can’t possibly give his heart to just one girl, settle down, can he? I don’t know, but I would love to feel what a real relationship would be like with you. We both know it would work and be magical, but we are mutually afraid to fall.
You are my puzzle. I can control every other aspect of my life, but my feelings for you never seem to dwindle. I just wish we could start putting this puzzle together.
I Will Always Love You No Matter What
Our first looks at each other, our first conversation, our first kiss. Our first text message and our first real talk. I'll never forget. Never forget the feelings and how perfect everything was. We could be awake and talk about everything until the next morning, we could text into the phone for hours without having any words left to say and we could lay down for a very long time and just stare into each others eyes without saying anything. It was love. Real love.
We became closer and closer and when i thought it couldn't be better he said the three most beautiful words I was longing to hear. He said "I love you" with a tear in his eye and said that he never thought he could have this feelings for anyone. It was the best moment of my life. I was in love. Terrible in love.
We talked about everything and we laughed, cried and did things together. That was life. You were life. You were the best boyfriend ever and everything would have been meaningless if you weren't in my life. I would go to the moon, travel round the world and count all the stars. Just for you.
We were so equal you and me, but different at the same time. We had something that other people just could dream of. I'll never forget how you said I was beautiful when I looked the most terrible than ever. And I'll never forget how special you made me feel. You had girlfriends before but I was the only one you fell in love with and I was the only one you ever cared about. Every time I got a text message from you my heart stopped and every time I saw you came and saw me I got a smile on my lips. You were mine.
But things changed. I can't count the sleepless nights and how many tears that have fell down on my cheek. I can't count how many times my heart got in thousand pieces and when everything felt meaningless. I have been so loved by you, but you have hurt me so badly at the same time. I never thought we would come to this part in our relationship were we don't show any respect and neither can live with or without each other. But now we stand here and don't know what's right or wrong. The only thing I know is that I'll always love you, no matter what.
We became closer and closer and when i thought it couldn't be better he said the three most beautiful words I was longing to hear. He said "I love you" with a tear in his eye and said that he never thought he could have this feelings for anyone. It was the best moment of my life. I was in love. Terrible in love.
We talked about everything and we laughed, cried and did things together. That was life. You were life. You were the best boyfriend ever and everything would have been meaningless if you weren't in my life. I would go to the moon, travel round the world and count all the stars. Just for you.
We were so equal you and me, but different at the same time. We had something that other people just could dream of. I'll never forget how you said I was beautiful when I looked the most terrible than ever. And I'll never forget how special you made me feel. You had girlfriends before but I was the only one you fell in love with and I was the only one you ever cared about. Every time I got a text message from you my heart stopped and every time I saw you came and saw me I got a smile on my lips. You were mine.
But things changed. I can't count the sleepless nights and how many tears that have fell down on my cheek. I can't count how many times my heart got in thousand pieces and when everything felt meaningless. I have been so loved by you, but you have hurt me so badly at the same time. I never thought we would come to this part in our relationship were we don't show any respect and neither can live with or without each other. But now we stand here and don't know what's right or wrong. The only thing I know is that I'll always love you, no matter what.
Life Lessons
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.
I've learned that no matter how much I care some people just don't care back.
I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
I've learned that it's not what you have in your life, but whom you have in your life that counts.
I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I've learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.
I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I've learned that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And, just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
I’ve learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn’t stop for your grief.
I’ve learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt, and you will hurt in the process.
I've learned that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it.
I've learned that heroes are people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I’ve learned that you can keep going long after you can’t
I've learned that no matter how much I care some people just don't care back.
I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
I've learned that it's not what you have in your life, but whom you have in your life that counts.
I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I've learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.
I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I've learned that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And, just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
I’ve learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn’t stop for your grief.
I’ve learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt, and you will hurt in the process.
I've learned that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it.
I've learned that heroes are people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I’ve learned that you can keep going long after you can’t
Like In My Dreams
First time I saw you, you took my breath away. I have never seen a more beautiful person than you. After that you were my dream, I wanted it to be a dream. You and me, forever. The thing is we don't even know each other, but when I look at you I just want to be with you and talk about all the things that are possible to talk about. I want to be in your arms and I want you to see me and love me. But this is still a dream. I know that we will never be together, but my heart really hopes that one day, when the sun is shining, that it can be you and me. I know it's too late now that you have a girlfriend. But it doesn't matter because from what I have heard, the impossible love is the strongest. So please, see me, like I saw you for the first time. I know that you can't decide what is going to happen. It depends on destiny. I want to be your destiny. I just want to get to know you, and then maybe we can be more. WE can be each other's everything, like in my dreams. Because you are everywhere in my dreams. When I have a good day, it is because you were in my dream the night before. Let me be your dream. Let me be seen by you. Let me be your everything.
That's What I Want
"Good morning my love!
I don’t think I could ever describe the way I really feel about you. I am so blessed for being the one you chose to be with and it’s a privilege to love you and to take care of you. You know that your a ‘Gift from God’ and it really is true because that’s what you are for me.
I want to be by your side forever, to lay with you and hear you breathing, watching you sleep. You’re so gorgeous! I never get tired of looking at you. Your beauty mesmerizes me. And our son is so beautiful because he has you as your father.
I love you so much. I want to marry you, to share my whole life with you, to wake up every day and see the most handsome guy I’ve ever seen. My best friend, my boyfriendd and hopefully my future husband. You’re the only one that I picture myself with in the future.
I was wondering about our future the other day, and I imagined us holding our baby through the night, trying to make him sleep. You were rocking him to sleep. And I realized that, that’s what I want, that’s what I really want with all that’s within me.
Thank you for being so caring, loving and patient.
Thank you for being my partner in crime
I love you"
I don’t think I could ever describe the way I really feel about you. I am so blessed for being the one you chose to be with and it’s a privilege to love you and to take care of you. You know that your a ‘Gift from God’ and it really is true because that’s what you are for me.
I want to be by your side forever, to lay with you and hear you breathing, watching you sleep. You’re so gorgeous! I never get tired of looking at you. Your beauty mesmerizes me. And our son is so beautiful because he has you as your father.
I love you so much. I want to marry you, to share my whole life with you, to wake up every day and see the most handsome guy I’ve ever seen. My best friend, my boyfriendd and hopefully my future husband. You’re the only one that I picture myself with in the future.
I was wondering about our future the other day, and I imagined us holding our baby through the night, trying to make him sleep. You were rocking him to sleep. And I realized that, that’s what I want, that’s what I really want with all that’s within me.
Thank you for being so caring, loving and patient.
Thank you for being my partner in crime
I love you"
Up to How You Really Feel
Hey "bestest" friend. You know who you are.
I'm just writing this to say that I've been thinking a lot lately and I realize this is going nowhere. We can never really talk heart to heart and that's what I want. Communication is just really important to me. Although it's kind of hard, I kept trying and I sometimes worked but never for a long time. It's hard for me to commit without you. So please, tell me if you really do like me, so I will know if my efforts are worth anything at all. Don't hint some remark that could possibly be known as flirting. Because that gets me confused and mad. For all I know, you could be just really friendly and have not thought of us being more than friends. Your actions and words speak otherwise...
And with all I know, I've been liking you for a few years now. And I can't wait any longer. I need answers.
So here's to the possibilities. Either you end this unknown and tell me how you really feel or I just walk away. Even being just friends with you is too hard. I need to move on. I can't be stuck waiting.
And whether you read this or not, it's going to be here. Whether you reply to this or not, it's up to how you really feel.
I'm just writing this to say that I've been thinking a lot lately and I realize this is going nowhere. We can never really talk heart to heart and that's what I want. Communication is just really important to me. Although it's kind of hard, I kept trying and I sometimes worked but never for a long time. It's hard for me to commit without you. So please, tell me if you really do like me, so I will know if my efforts are worth anything at all. Don't hint some remark that could possibly be known as flirting. Because that gets me confused and mad. For all I know, you could be just really friendly and have not thought of us being more than friends. Your actions and words speak otherwise...
And with all I know, I've been liking you for a few years now. And I can't wait any longer. I need answers.
So here's to the possibilities. Either you end this unknown and tell me how you really feel or I just walk away. Even being just friends with you is too hard. I need to move on. I can't be stuck waiting.
And whether you read this or not, it's going to be here. Whether you reply to this or not, it's up to how you really feel.
No Easy Way Out
Why do I have to be the bad guy? Breaking up isn't always bad, right? What if breaking up was the only option? What if breaking up was the best option?
Most people don't appreciate that the person choosing to initiate the break-up has it really hard. Sure, whenever we picture someone dumping someone, we picture them as the dick who ruined the relationship because they didn't care enough or they wanted someone else more. But what if the person ending the relationship is the brave one? They're the one who is willing to accept the responsibility. They're willing to say, "This is the right choice for both of us."
What's the best option between breaking your best friend's heart now, or not wanting to hurt them now and hurting them even more later? Bite the bullet. Take the hit. It's painful, like a plunge into ice cold water. But like the body, your heart and mind slowly adjust to the change in atmosphere. You know that you're there alone, and you're making the decision for two people, but you've got to be sure it's the right one. And you are sure that it's the right one. Or at least that's what you hope.
But why the hell does having the guts to be honest make you a bad person? Why does it have to mean that you've victimized the other person somehow? Sure, he's hurting right now. But I know that I'm hurting knowing I've hurt him. I still wouldn't take it back, knowing I couldn't make myself love him and knowing I'd just make him more unhappy later.
There's no easy way out, but I'm not a villain for making the choice. Don't make the mistake that this decision was easy for me.
Most people don't appreciate that the person choosing to initiate the break-up has it really hard. Sure, whenever we picture someone dumping someone, we picture them as the dick who ruined the relationship because they didn't care enough or they wanted someone else more. But what if the person ending the relationship is the brave one? They're the one who is willing to accept the responsibility. They're willing to say, "This is the right choice for both of us."
What's the best option between breaking your best friend's heart now, or not wanting to hurt them now and hurting them even more later? Bite the bullet. Take the hit. It's painful, like a plunge into ice cold water. But like the body, your heart and mind slowly adjust to the change in atmosphere. You know that you're there alone, and you're making the decision for two people, but you've got to be sure it's the right one. And you are sure that it's the right one. Or at least that's what you hope.
But why the hell does having the guts to be honest make you a bad person? Why does it have to mean that you've victimized the other person somehow? Sure, he's hurting right now. But I know that I'm hurting knowing I've hurt him. I still wouldn't take it back, knowing I couldn't make myself love him and knowing I'd just make him more unhappy later.
There's no easy way out, but I'm not a villain for making the choice. Don't make the mistake that this decision was easy for me.
It's Not You, It's Me
You're beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me.
It's hard to fabricate lies when you don't want to make someone sad. When you really really like them...but not in that way. You can't just blatantly lie to them and pretend you love them...they're too beautiful for that. The thing is, they're also too beautiful to lie to. Too beautiful for you to hurt because you don't want to hurt them.You don't want to make them cry, to ruin their beauty by making them feel pain. The problem is...you can't not. You have to do one or the other......the pain...or the lies? Which is the best for them? Break their heart now.....or later. Later when they find out you never liked them like that. That when you kissed them you had to try you're hardest not to be disgusted because, yes they were beautiful but they weren't who you wanted. They were perfect but they just didn't have that special something. You don't want them to feel like it was their fault. Like they aren't perfect or beautiful. You want them to know that it's you. You're the one with the issue and you wish, wish that you could love them......but you can't. And it's killing you. You don't want it to be like that. You want to love being kissed by them. You want to lust after them. To give them your heart and soul.....but you simply just can't. You're incapable of feeling like that and it sucks. They're incredibly beautiful so beautiful that it hurts. And you can't hold back, you just have to tell them, you can't not. Because you know, you know deep down that this is for the best. That this is what you need to do and you do it. You don't want to and you despise yourself for it.....but you do it. You can't handle the pain that is shown upon this beautiful person so...you leave but just before you go you say those five dreaded words.....it's not you, it's me.
It's hard to fabricate lies when you don't want to make someone sad. When you really really like them...but not in that way. You can't just blatantly lie to them and pretend you love them...they're too beautiful for that. The thing is, they're also too beautiful to lie to. Too beautiful for you to hurt because you don't want to hurt them.You don't want to make them cry, to ruin their beauty by making them feel pain. The problem is...you can't not. You have to do one or the other......the pain...or the lies? Which is the best for them? Break their heart now.....or later. Later when they find out you never liked them like that. That when you kissed them you had to try you're hardest not to be disgusted because, yes they were beautiful but they weren't who you wanted. They were perfect but they just didn't have that special something. You don't want them to feel like it was their fault. Like they aren't perfect or beautiful. You want them to know that it's you. You're the one with the issue and you wish, wish that you could love them......but you can't. And it's killing you. You don't want it to be like that. You want to love being kissed by them. You want to lust after them. To give them your heart and soul.....but you simply just can't. You're incapable of feeling like that and it sucks. They're incredibly beautiful so beautiful that it hurts. And you can't hold back, you just have to tell them, you can't not. Because you know, you know deep down that this is for the best. That this is what you need to do and you do it. You don't want to and you despise yourself for it.....but you do it. You can't handle the pain that is shown upon this beautiful person so...you leave but just before you go you say those five dreaded words.....it's not you, it's me.
I Love(d) You
I love(d) you
It has been a while since we broke up, for the second time. It was different this time, we both gave up. I tried to get this relationship back but it's obviously not working.
My heart literally shattered into pieces at the moment you told me you're done trying to do anything to make this relationship work. And that you're just going to sit back and let whatever happen, happen. You said, "If God wants us to be together, we will." But then again, if you love something, you shoud work for it. It's sad, because you left me hanging.
You told me I am a bitch and I never appreciated anything. You said I never made effort in maintaining this relationship.I told myself to give all up on you.
But then again, I can't. Everyday, I feel so lost. And when our song started playing on the radio, the feeling I have towards you, it's there. Tears started shedding. Every night, I fall asleep in a wet pillow. While you enjoy hanging out with your friends. You told me you were hurtin too, but it doesn't seem like it.
And I can't watch any sort of love, romance movies anymore. Because it hurts so badly. I was never those who cried during sad love stories, but now, I am. You turned me into an emotionally weak person.
You promised me forever. You said you were going to have a future with me. You said I was the only one you loved. You are my first serious, adult relationship. You told me I was what you have wanted, you said you will love me for as long as you can. I told you I don't believe in sweet talks. But, you made me believe everything you said.
And then you tore me apart. You broke my heart. Completely.
But I love you, and yet I shouldn't.
You spoiled my whole perspective towards love. Do you know that?
You said we coudl be friends. So you started texting me as friends. You're giving me hope towards the relationship, a false hope. I tried not to reply, but how could I? Please stop this. It sucks.
One day, I will be happy again. I hope
It has been a while since we broke up, for the second time. It was different this time, we both gave up. I tried to get this relationship back but it's obviously not working.
My heart literally shattered into pieces at the moment you told me you're done trying to do anything to make this relationship work. And that you're just going to sit back and let whatever happen, happen. You said, "If God wants us to be together, we will." But then again, if you love something, you shoud work for it. It's sad, because you left me hanging.
You told me I am a bitch and I never appreciated anything. You said I never made effort in maintaining this relationship.I told myself to give all up on you.
But then again, I can't. Everyday, I feel so lost. And when our song started playing on the radio, the feeling I have towards you, it's there. Tears started shedding. Every night, I fall asleep in a wet pillow. While you enjoy hanging out with your friends. You told me you were hurtin too, but it doesn't seem like it.
And I can't watch any sort of love, romance movies anymore. Because it hurts so badly. I was never those who cried during sad love stories, but now, I am. You turned me into an emotionally weak person.
You promised me forever. You said you were going to have a future with me. You said I was the only one you loved. You are my first serious, adult relationship. You told me I was what you have wanted, you said you will love me for as long as you can. I told you I don't believe in sweet talks. But, you made me believe everything you said.
And then you tore me apart. You broke my heart. Completely.
But I love you, and yet I shouldn't.
You spoiled my whole perspective towards love. Do you know that?
You said we coudl be friends. So you started texting me as friends. You're giving me hope towards the relationship, a false hope. I tried not to reply, but how could I? Please stop this. It sucks.
One day, I will be happy again. I hope
Waiting
My life has been short but I have already learned quite a bit about love... not through personal experience, but more through seeing others I know love. Some love and lose, some lose someone they might have loved and luckily some love each other forever. I think about that one or many loves constantly, always hoping I don't miss my chance. My fear of never finding that love has mad me create an unattainable goal in my head; find the perfect guy you will find the perfect relationship and you will get the perfect life. That whole scenario is what I have been looking for.
But I have realized that kind of perfectness does not exist in a person. It exists in a connection, a relationship. That is what love is. Love is that person who isn't necessairly perfect, but is perfect for you.
They say real love comes when you aren't searching for it. I used to think that it was absurd to say that because most everyone is searching for love; and many do find it. But of all those people I know, who I have watched love, though it may not have lasted forever, I have realized one thing. They all loved. There isn't a person I know who could end their life saying they haven't loved. The moment I realized that, that was the moment I stopped searching. I stopped searching for that perfect guy., for that perfect relationship, for that perfect life.
I have never been in love, but I am waiting for it. No longer searching. Waiting because I know it will come.
But I have realized that kind of perfectness does not exist in a person. It exists in a connection, a relationship. That is what love is. Love is that person who isn't necessairly perfect, but is perfect for you.
They say real love comes when you aren't searching for it. I used to think that it was absurd to say that because most everyone is searching for love; and many do find it. But of all those people I know, who I have watched love, though it may not have lasted forever, I have realized one thing. They all loved. There isn't a person I know who could end their life saying they haven't loved. The moment I realized that, that was the moment I stopped searching. I stopped searching for that perfect guy., for that perfect relationship, for that perfect life.
I have never been in love, but I am waiting for it. No longer searching. Waiting because I know it will come.
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