Do you believe in what people call "soulmates?" I, for one, do not. I’ve been told my way of looking at love is cynical but I don’t think so. I believe that a person call fall in love with anyone, given the timing is right. People fall in and out of your life, I don’t believe in destiny, things happen for no reason and you are left to try to control it - although you know you can’t. I only try to convince myself things are meant to be when something negative happens. But in the end, I don’t think it works like that.
My friends are not my friends because they are better than other people - I’ve learned to love them by being around them and getting to know them. If I spent time with most people, granted they weren’t extremely rude and had no interest in me, I could probably love them just as much as I love my friends now.
But somethings I find harder to explain, like the way you can meet people who just feel right for you. But then again, this might also be coincidence - and timing. But it is all so very shallow. I wish I could look at people and oversee their physical appearance. But of course that’s not possible. But if it was, I really wonder what I’d see.
But do not mistake me, if there is something I believe in it is love.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Trapped Inside My Brain
I have never tasted love.
I have never been blessed with the true feeling of love. I've always felt like an outcast in that way. Placed beside the world of loving individuals. Like it's not meant for me. You see, I'm a dreamer. And in my dreams I'm head over hills in love and it's mutual. Unfortunately, this makes me an observer. I observe everything and everyone around me, and the importance of my own actions fails. It's like I'm trapped inside my brain and completely unable to... do life. I think I'm in love with the thought of being in love, how cliché it may sound. And I don't want to wait forever. Maybe I'm just gonna have to accept it. Maybe there is this insignificant number of all the billion people on earth, who just aren't supposed to fall in love...
I have never been blessed with the true feeling of love. I've always felt like an outcast in that way. Placed beside the world of loving individuals. Like it's not meant for me. You see, I'm a dreamer. And in my dreams I'm head over hills in love and it's mutual. Unfortunately, this makes me an observer. I observe everything and everyone around me, and the importance of my own actions fails. It's like I'm trapped inside my brain and completely unable to... do life. I think I'm in love with the thought of being in love, how cliché it may sound. And I don't want to wait forever. Maybe I'm just gonna have to accept it. Maybe there is this insignificant number of all the billion people on earth, who just aren't supposed to fall in love...
But There You Are
Here I am, remembering about us again. I don’t know why all this is coming back now. I've dealt with it in virtually every aspect of my life, because the similarities seem to come up in some way or another. and you know what? I haven’t let myself fall for anyone again. No one has made me feel the way you could make me feel, and I wonder if anyone ever will.
All I know right now is that I’ve grown up a lot since then. And it makes me smile every time I think about it. I guess because I don’t like to admit to myself that all that drama and all that attention back then, I loved it. I loved it at first when I wasn’t worried of the possibilities that came later. I loved the way you made me feel. I loved how you could always make me laugh, and how many times you’d catch my eye in the middle of that laughter, and for a moment i believed that things could be different.
Deep down though, I guess I always knew they never would be.
That was the problem-- you were way out of my league, and I knew that. It made it so frustrating, so ironic, that I couldn’t help myself from having such a hopeless crush. But it was because you were different. You were one of the few guys I always had respect for, you were the one who I laughed with and looked forward to seeing every day. I don’t know if you knew it or not. Everyone else sure did. But you gave me a chance, and I let down my guard. I tricked myself into having hope, when I so clearly shouldn’t have had any. And from there, I suddenly freaked out. I suddenly realized how much it was screwing me up, and I couldn’t do a thing about it.
For the past two years, I’ve been trying to let it go. Trying to move on with my life, avoiding any brush I might have with the past, avoiding any encounter I think I might have that would change the way things were. They were over. And I wanted myself to believe that.
But the thing is, it’s not over. I guess I’m just now realizing that it’s never going to be over. Maybe I should have dealt with it better than I did. But, I couldn't, and when I left, things were a mess. They still are. I thought it would go away; I thought I would forget you and everything we once were.
But I haven’t. I’ve wished so many times that I could forget, but there you are-- constantly on my mind, it seems, because tiny little things always trigger my memory. I try to push it away, instead of dealing with it. That’s what I do with anything that makes me uncomfortable. I suppose I should be learning how to understand my own emotions. I certainly have enough of them, and that’s hardly your fault. hell, I don’t even know I'm writing this. It’s not like you’ll ever know what I think. I am a distant memory to you, if anything. I see you and I can tell what you're feeling. I know things will never be the same between us. You love her, and she's all that matters to you. She's all that will ever matter to you no matter what I do and no matter what I say. And even though every time I see you is a turning point in my life, it will hardly matter to yours.
I guess I should get used to that.
All I know right now is that I’ve grown up a lot since then. And it makes me smile every time I think about it. I guess because I don’t like to admit to myself that all that drama and all that attention back then, I loved it. I loved it at first when I wasn’t worried of the possibilities that came later. I loved the way you made me feel. I loved how you could always make me laugh, and how many times you’d catch my eye in the middle of that laughter, and for a moment i believed that things could be different.
Deep down though, I guess I always knew they never would be.
That was the problem-- you were way out of my league, and I knew that. It made it so frustrating, so ironic, that I couldn’t help myself from having such a hopeless crush. But it was because you were different. You were one of the few guys I always had respect for, you were the one who I laughed with and looked forward to seeing every day. I don’t know if you knew it or not. Everyone else sure did. But you gave me a chance, and I let down my guard. I tricked myself into having hope, when I so clearly shouldn’t have had any. And from there, I suddenly freaked out. I suddenly realized how much it was screwing me up, and I couldn’t do a thing about it.
For the past two years, I’ve been trying to let it go. Trying to move on with my life, avoiding any brush I might have with the past, avoiding any encounter I think I might have that would change the way things were. They were over. And I wanted myself to believe that.
But the thing is, it’s not over. I guess I’m just now realizing that it’s never going to be over. Maybe I should have dealt with it better than I did. But, I couldn't, and when I left, things were a mess. They still are. I thought it would go away; I thought I would forget you and everything we once were.
But I haven’t. I’ve wished so many times that I could forget, but there you are-- constantly on my mind, it seems, because tiny little things always trigger my memory. I try to push it away, instead of dealing with it. That’s what I do with anything that makes me uncomfortable. I suppose I should be learning how to understand my own emotions. I certainly have enough of them, and that’s hardly your fault. hell, I don’t even know I'm writing this. It’s not like you’ll ever know what I think. I am a distant memory to you, if anything. I see you and I can tell what you're feeling. I know things will never be the same between us. You love her, and she's all that matters to you. She's all that will ever matter to you no matter what I do and no matter what I say. And even though every time I see you is a turning point in my life, it will hardly matter to yours.
I guess I should get used to that.
I Don't Want To Be Your Best Version
You give me the kind of feeling people write novels about. I mean that in the worst way possible. I mean the kind of novels that make you cry when you’re writing them and when you’re reading them.
I don’t know how we got here. I have no idea what tricks of fate and destiny lead us to be where we are now. What I do know is that this feeling is familiar and I hate that this is an endless cycle of you constantly letting me down. So here’s what I’m doing. This one is for me. I think you’re old enough to make your own mind up. And I think it’s time you did.
For so long I have waited, hoped, wished and based everything I’ve done on you and maximising my chances of seeing you or talking to you. But this is it. The end of the line. From now on I will not stare at the phone waiting for a message, a call, a voice of hope. From now on I will walk forward when I see you and I will move forward. I will not search for you in crowds or hope to get surprise visits at work. From now on, things will be for me, for my benefit and you won’t be a deciding factor.
They were never surprise visits anyway. They were all after thoughts of a planned event that so happened to be near my work. You never went out of your way to see me. I was the after thought. I always was. To you, I was plan B. And though you would never admit it to me, I always knew I was. I don’t think you were ever really honest with me, I don’t think you knew how to be honest. When I asked you a question there was always a pause before your answer, like you were trying to see ahead to my reaction before you jumped in. It isn’t fair. You were never fair.
Starting as the ‘other woman’ was the end of who I was. I thought I was happy with who I was, who you made me to be. After cogitating who I was and my personal perspective of myself, I came to a conclusion. I hated who I was, who you made me to be. There was no way that you brought out the best in me. And I don’t know that you ever could.
I was the secret in your relationship with her. And I don’t know that I was the only one. You’re shady. You aren’t always honest. You aren’t clear. And sometimes, I don’t think I know you.
You never told me how you really felt. There were snippets. Titbits. But the truth was never told. I haven’t heard the full story. And I don’t think you’ll ever tell me. At least, not until you’ve realized no other woman is going to even consider accepting you and your shady antics. And as much as I don’t want to, I can’t think about anything other than you. And I hate it.
But between fights you, you found out how I felt. I tried so hard to hide it, to bury it inside, but that night, I erupted and the lava of my emotions flowed out and hit you square in the face. And you did the worse thing possible. I will never forget what you did. And I don’t think you will either. You ran. And even though you didn’t want a relationship, you denied it all, you backed off and you ran. But there is no denying this, we were never just friends.
You could never accept that there was definitely something strong between us. You hide behind your ego. But when the shadows faded and the real you emerged, another barrier rose. You’d tell me you didn’t want to get hurt again. Well, to be honest, you telling me that hurt me. For you to think that I would do anything like what she did to you proved to me that you didn’t know me. You don’t know me. And I don’t think you want to. Not until you realize that I’m it. But I’m not always going to be here. Like you said, I have a lot to experience in life and I’m not going to waste it waiting for you to decide.
So here’s what I want. I want you. I want to you to want me. I want you to want me first. I want there to be no one else. I want it to be me.
So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to stop dwelling. I’m going to stop watching the phone. I’m going to stop looking for you. I’m going to move on. I’m going to meet people. I’m going to live. I’m going to forget all the nights I spent wishing you were here. I’m going to forget the times that it was just us. I’m going to forget the things that shouldn’t have happened. I’m going to forget all the times I opened myself up to let you in, to only get hurt in return.I’m going to forget how I felt about you.
Instead, I’m going to subconsciously wait. If you really want me, if you miss me, if you can’t breathe without me, you’ll know. You’ll ring. You’ll text. You’ll visit. And if you drift, if you don’t call, if there’s no texts, if there’s no visits. I’ll know. I’ll know it was never meant to be. And I will continue moving on. And I’m going to walk tall.
But in between everything I will forget, I won’t forget the lesson I’ve learnt. I won’t forget the feeling of loving someone. I won’t forget the feeling of thinking I’m loved. And I will certainly not forget the hell I was put through to learn all this, to become a better person.
I remember you telling me that ‘you’re never the same person twice’. Good. I never want to be this person again. And I am going to do whatever I can to make sure I am the best me I can be. I don’t want to be your best version. This time, it’s for me.
I don’t know how we got here. I have no idea what tricks of fate and destiny lead us to be where we are now. What I do know is that this feeling is familiar and I hate that this is an endless cycle of you constantly letting me down. So here’s what I’m doing. This one is for me. I think you’re old enough to make your own mind up. And I think it’s time you did.
For so long I have waited, hoped, wished and based everything I’ve done on you and maximising my chances of seeing you or talking to you. But this is it. The end of the line. From now on I will not stare at the phone waiting for a message, a call, a voice of hope. From now on I will walk forward when I see you and I will move forward. I will not search for you in crowds or hope to get surprise visits at work. From now on, things will be for me, for my benefit and you won’t be a deciding factor.
They were never surprise visits anyway. They were all after thoughts of a planned event that so happened to be near my work. You never went out of your way to see me. I was the after thought. I always was. To you, I was plan B. And though you would never admit it to me, I always knew I was. I don’t think you were ever really honest with me, I don’t think you knew how to be honest. When I asked you a question there was always a pause before your answer, like you were trying to see ahead to my reaction before you jumped in. It isn’t fair. You were never fair.
Starting as the ‘other woman’ was the end of who I was. I thought I was happy with who I was, who you made me to be. After cogitating who I was and my personal perspective of myself, I came to a conclusion. I hated who I was, who you made me to be. There was no way that you brought out the best in me. And I don’t know that you ever could.
I was the secret in your relationship with her. And I don’t know that I was the only one. You’re shady. You aren’t always honest. You aren’t clear. And sometimes, I don’t think I know you.
You never told me how you really felt. There were snippets. Titbits. But the truth was never told. I haven’t heard the full story. And I don’t think you’ll ever tell me. At least, not until you’ve realized no other woman is going to even consider accepting you and your shady antics. And as much as I don’t want to, I can’t think about anything other than you. And I hate it.
But between fights you, you found out how I felt. I tried so hard to hide it, to bury it inside, but that night, I erupted and the lava of my emotions flowed out and hit you square in the face. And you did the worse thing possible. I will never forget what you did. And I don’t think you will either. You ran. And even though you didn’t want a relationship, you denied it all, you backed off and you ran. But there is no denying this, we were never just friends.
You could never accept that there was definitely something strong between us. You hide behind your ego. But when the shadows faded and the real you emerged, another barrier rose. You’d tell me you didn’t want to get hurt again. Well, to be honest, you telling me that hurt me. For you to think that I would do anything like what she did to you proved to me that you didn’t know me. You don’t know me. And I don’t think you want to. Not until you realize that I’m it. But I’m not always going to be here. Like you said, I have a lot to experience in life and I’m not going to waste it waiting for you to decide.
So here’s what I want. I want you. I want to you to want me. I want you to want me first. I want there to be no one else. I want it to be me.
So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to stop dwelling. I’m going to stop watching the phone. I’m going to stop looking for you. I’m going to move on. I’m going to meet people. I’m going to live. I’m going to forget all the nights I spent wishing you were here. I’m going to forget the times that it was just us. I’m going to forget the things that shouldn’t have happened. I’m going to forget all the times I opened myself up to let you in, to only get hurt in return.I’m going to forget how I felt about you.
Instead, I’m going to subconsciously wait. If you really want me, if you miss me, if you can’t breathe without me, you’ll know. You’ll ring. You’ll text. You’ll visit. And if you drift, if you don’t call, if there’s no texts, if there’s no visits. I’ll know. I’ll know it was never meant to be. And I will continue moving on. And I’m going to walk tall.
But in between everything I will forget, I won’t forget the lesson I’ve learnt. I won’t forget the feeling of loving someone. I won’t forget the feeling of thinking I’m loved. And I will certainly not forget the hell I was put through to learn all this, to become a better person.
I remember you telling me that ‘you’re never the same person twice’. Good. I never want to be this person again. And I am going to do whatever I can to make sure I am the best me I can be. I don’t want to be your best version. This time, it’s for me.
Apology
I think I may have lost that one person. That you want to hate but you can't because despite all the pain you love them so much. Hate is not an option. I still love you I fear I always will. I know it is mostly my fault for resisting you and putting up a barrier. Something I created out of knowing that you could break my heart in a moment. I think I may have lost you. And I just want you to know I am sorry. I just wish you could see how much I love you. And I hate myself for not showing it to you more. And now I have learned too late that barriers don't protect me they just hurt you. And that breaks my heart more then anything. I loved you right away because you saw through me and did not care how hard I made it. You were kind and generous. I love you with all my heart and I hope you can somehow forgive me for pushing you away. You made me delicate and I wake up crying thinking of how far you are. I am sorry for playing hard to get after the games were over. I love you with all my heart.
When The Time Is Right It Will Happen
Realizations of love and general inspiring thoughts:
I just wanted to say I think the best people in life are the ones that get brokenhearted, time and time again and can still open their hearts to love after the exasperating pain of heart break. Those are the best kinds of people in life.
The ability to love anything and anyone is a gift. And anyone who hasn't found love yet should not fear, because it's fear that drives you to insanity and worry. But its hope that sends you to belief and opens your heart again to love and for love. And once you've found it, and really found it, love will never let you down. It will be faithful and kind. Love will be beautiful and unpredictable. And even though I haven't found it, I feel all these things for it. I don't know why and I don't know how, but I can tell you I really do believe in love.
I just wanted to say that to anyone who is going through something right now, because I'm in a state of heart broken heartedness, and over my best friend that I have loved to the core of my soul for about 3 years of my life. But unfortunately he doesn't feel the same. He wants to find something better I presume and I'm not that. I've sometimes felt unworthy of love and inadequate, almost useless. But one day I'm gonna get over it and I'm going to find love and love will find me back. And to those who are broken, it may not seem like it now, but take me for example with such an emotional attachment like mine it cannot be overcome in a day. But I know it's gonna happen for me.
I know this sounds like a motivational talk for everyone but I was just feeling inspired. I just wanted to get one of the nice things I was feeling about love off my chest. But of course I'm angry, hurt and frustrated sometimes, that's a natural emotion just know you should be all driven to smile and be happy with the thought of the hope of love.
And to those who have found love, be happy. Don't let go, hold on tight, because he or she is a keeper. And be inspired by that love, because people like myself who long to find 'the one' envy you and can't wait to be in your position. But I say to myself everyday when the time is right it will happen. And it will. I believe in love, do you?
I just wanted to say I think the best people in life are the ones that get brokenhearted, time and time again and can still open their hearts to love after the exasperating pain of heart break. Those are the best kinds of people in life.
The ability to love anything and anyone is a gift. And anyone who hasn't found love yet should not fear, because it's fear that drives you to insanity and worry. But its hope that sends you to belief and opens your heart again to love and for love. And once you've found it, and really found it, love will never let you down. It will be faithful and kind. Love will be beautiful and unpredictable. And even though I haven't found it, I feel all these things for it. I don't know why and I don't know how, but I can tell you I really do believe in love.
I just wanted to say that to anyone who is going through something right now, because I'm in a state of heart broken heartedness, and over my best friend that I have loved to the core of my soul for about 3 years of my life. But unfortunately he doesn't feel the same. He wants to find something better I presume and I'm not that. I've sometimes felt unworthy of love and inadequate, almost useless. But one day I'm gonna get over it and I'm going to find love and love will find me back. And to those who are broken, it may not seem like it now, but take me for example with such an emotional attachment like mine it cannot be overcome in a day. But I know it's gonna happen for me.
I know this sounds like a motivational talk for everyone but I was just feeling inspired. I just wanted to get one of the nice things I was feeling about love off my chest. But of course I'm angry, hurt and frustrated sometimes, that's a natural emotion just know you should be all driven to smile and be happy with the thought of the hope of love.
And to those who have found love, be happy. Don't let go, hold on tight, because he or she is a keeper. And be inspired by that love, because people like myself who long to find 'the one' envy you and can't wait to be in your position. But I say to myself everyday when the time is right it will happen. And it will. I believe in love, do you?
Maybe I Love Him
His ways, the way he treats me is not out of the ordinary. We were talking three years ago but turned out he didn't want anything so nothing happened... well not nothing per-say. He wanted to be friends, I said fine but I have been on an emotional roller coaster with him that I have told him we can't be friends several times. I have ignored, we have stopped talking and everything your friends tell you how to get over a crush that didnt work out. But with all these advice there's nothing you can really do but be addicted to him. We had a "No Strings Attached" moment and still continuing but it's not as much as before considering the fact he has someone now. I have done the crying and the rejection feeling has passed, at least I always lie to myself that it has. Now we are "friends" I talk to him like any guy friends I have had but this one has a flirt recipe in it and he does the same. He claims he cares for me, he claims he wants me in his life, loves talking to me and yet nothing would ever happen. I stopped having hope but when you hear someone say "you never know." Never say never. I just want to punch him ni the face but I can't help that I like him... a lot and enjoy his annoying presence and remind myself we will never ever be together. So I say to myself I will get over him, he will be a memory of the past, eh will be gone or maybe I love him? But that can't be... it really can't but I do wish I was over him and wish he can just leave me alone for real this time not for a week or so then tell me he misses me.
This has got to be a phase... because love can not be.
This has got to be a phase... because love can not be.
Is It Too Late For Me
I have always been a free spirit. I am constantly looking for something fun and new. If I get bored or restricted, I run. I have never thought of myself as a slut or whore, but someone who likes to do what they want when they want with who they want. I rarelt think about the consequences and like to go with what I feel at the time. I never go out looking for trouble, but trouble always seems to find me, and trouble always comes in the form of a guy. I have no problems attracting attention from the opposite sex. It's just that it's never the "right" attention. A typical night out would be my friends and I at a bar/club and a cute guy buying me drinks and dancing with me. For me, it's all about chemistry. It's either there or it's not. Unfortunately, the initial spark between myself and a male always just leads to sex and nothing more.
Looking back, I have been with many guys and unfortunately none of them have been meaningful. I never have usually hooked up with anyone for more than a month or so. When I do develop feelings, I try my best to hide them in fear of being rejected (because most guys don't want relationships).I have been told by several guys that I have been with that they like me because I am a girl who just "likes to have fun." I am a fun and easy going person and that's what people like about me, but does this mean that I can't be in a relationship?
I am scared that I will never love or truly be loved. I have been in one relationship where I hurt my boyfriend of the time very badly. Perhaps this is karma. I was young, stupid and selfish. I just turned 26. Recently, I have been feeling more alone than ever. I have great friends, but none of them seem to really understand what I feel. Guys that I am attracted to and who I also in turn attract are always those who are never emotionally available. One guy that I was hooking up with for a while that I started developing feelings for a couple years ago even told me that I am not "girlfriend material."
Perhaps I am evolving and I do want something more stable, because I have never been a part of something real. I know I stopped myself before from liking/loving someone because I have a fear of them leaving me or hurting me, but now I am even open to that possibility. Is it too late for me? Everyone already sees me as "the fun girl", so how do I change? How do I attract the right type of guys who are willing to love me for me?
Looking back, I have been with many guys and unfortunately none of them have been meaningful. I never have usually hooked up with anyone for more than a month or so. When I do develop feelings, I try my best to hide them in fear of being rejected (because most guys don't want relationships).I have been told by several guys that I have been with that they like me because I am a girl who just "likes to have fun." I am a fun and easy going person and that's what people like about me, but does this mean that I can't be in a relationship?
I am scared that I will never love or truly be loved. I have been in one relationship where I hurt my boyfriend of the time very badly. Perhaps this is karma. I was young, stupid and selfish. I just turned 26. Recently, I have been feeling more alone than ever. I have great friends, but none of them seem to really understand what I feel. Guys that I am attracted to and who I also in turn attract are always those who are never emotionally available. One guy that I was hooking up with for a while that I started developing feelings for a couple years ago even told me that I am not "girlfriend material."
Perhaps I am evolving and I do want something more stable, because I have never been a part of something real. I know I stopped myself before from liking/loving someone because I have a fear of them leaving me or hurting me, but now I am even open to that possibility. Is it too late for me? Everyone already sees me as "the fun girl", so how do I change? How do I attract the right type of guys who are willing to love me for me?
I Want To Love You
Everyday I tell myself that your not longer a big part of me. Sometimes I really believe it, sometimes I actually think that you don't mean anything to me. Every time that thought appears I feel relieved, I feel less vulnerable, it feels like you can't affect me anymore.
I've repeated this thought so many times that I've almost made it true. At the same time it makes me so freaking scared of moving forward, cause what happens when you stop loving someone? What happens when you someday wake up and realize that this person actually doesn't mean anything to you? Cause that day will eventually come. The only thing you have left is the beautiful memories that you hopefully will carry with you your whole life. But I'm so afraid of that day coming, because I don't want it to. I don't want it to happen because I want to love you.
I've repeated this thought so many times that I've almost made it true. At the same time it makes me so freaking scared of moving forward, cause what happens when you stop loving someone? What happens when you someday wake up and realize that this person actually doesn't mean anything to you? Cause that day will eventually come. The only thing you have left is the beautiful memories that you hopefully will carry with you your whole life. But I'm so afraid of that day coming, because I don't want it to. I don't want it to happen because I want to love you.
Scared I'm Chasing Nothing
It’s not that I think you’re not important when you don’t have anyone, because I don’t. I truly don’t. I believe you can never really know what you want in someone else until you know yourself – completely and wholly - when you only have yourself to rely on. I know far too many people who are in relationships of comfort – because they don’t want to be alone. And it’s sad, because they rely so much on this social institution for validation. I am proud to say I have dealt with loneliness, and I’m not afraid of it. I am not afraid of my independence and I am not afraid of my own company. I am proud to say I have become a strong, level-headed person because I have had such a long time to consider myself and my surroundings and my feelings and my opinions with a clear head, one that is not muddled by the fog of a relationship and love and my heart. For these reasons I am glad it’s taken me this long to find someone, because I think when it happens, I’ll be able to handle it and make the most of it.
But fuck, sometimes I just get sick of being lonely. I get sick of having to rely on myself and my imagination for any kind of deeper mental or emotional stimulation. It’s getting to a point now where, I’ve had way too much time to think. My heart is forming cobwebs because the people I met, the experiences I’ve had so far, just aren’t cutting it. I think my imagination has had far too much time to become so specific in designing what my heart wants, I’m scared reality is just never going to compare. How can it? I never really gave it a chance. I’m torn between wanting only the best for myself and impatience. How much longer is it really going to take?
I feel like it’s impossible because I’ve made it impossible. I want magic. I want to feel such an intense pull towards someone it’s like our worlds just crashed into each other, changing them and me and everything I thought I knew. I want fireworks, and butterflies and magnetism, something tumultuous and huge and exciting and new. I want something to pull me out of myself and my head and my over-analysis and make me feel again, because I’ve forgotten. And I don’t think I can get it back on my own. But I’m scared I’m waiting out for a super unrealistic ideal that I’ve created for myself. I’m scared I’m chasing nothing. And every day it’s getting harder and harder to have faith in myself and everything I believe in.
But fuck, sometimes I just get sick of being lonely. I get sick of having to rely on myself and my imagination for any kind of deeper mental or emotional stimulation. It’s getting to a point now where, I’ve had way too much time to think. My heart is forming cobwebs because the people I met, the experiences I’ve had so far, just aren’t cutting it. I think my imagination has had far too much time to become so specific in designing what my heart wants, I’m scared reality is just never going to compare. How can it? I never really gave it a chance. I’m torn between wanting only the best for myself and impatience. How much longer is it really going to take?
I feel like it’s impossible because I’ve made it impossible. I want magic. I want to feel such an intense pull towards someone it’s like our worlds just crashed into each other, changing them and me and everything I thought I knew. I want fireworks, and butterflies and magnetism, something tumultuous and huge and exciting and new. I want something to pull me out of myself and my head and my over-analysis and make me feel again, because I’ve forgotten. And I don’t think I can get it back on my own. But I’m scared I’m waiting out for a super unrealistic ideal that I’ve created for myself. I’m scared I’m chasing nothing. And every day it’s getting harder and harder to have faith in myself and everything I believe in.
Is It Possible
"let's skip the charades
you're seeing right through me anyway
can we just speak plain
we're playing for the same team"
you're seeing right through me anyway
can we just speak plain
we're playing for the same team"
I never knew I could fall so hard for my best friend. We both knew it could potentially ruin our friendship but we still gave in to the explosive need to be with each other. For a long time we basked in our own fantasy land of sneaking around our other friends and making sure no one knew what was really going on behind the closed doors. It was exciting, addicting and nothing has ever felt so right. You said things to me that I wish I knew earlier, we became closer than we've ever been. I knew with the time apart, you would have time to hit realization that not only you have been with you best friend. That I might lose you to the social stigmas I always wanted to protect you from. Is it possible that we can be each others one and only both as a best friend and a lover? Is it possible that you may also have feelings for me but are too scared to express them? I am not willing to lose our friendship over this risk of love, but I know if we take the risk together we can work through anything and have both through each other. We just need to talk, communicate like we always have...but I haven't heard from you in a few days. This never ending battle in my head tells me to reach out to you but also combating is the idea that I will push you away with my persistence.
For you I’d just be there. Someone to talk to, share things with, confide in…someone to ask you how your day was and you’d be comfortable enough to share, without fear of ridicule or disinterest. Someone to cuddle with and share intimate moments with, someone you will always feel safe with. We can play together, laugh together, and cry together. Know when you want to be alone and when you want someone to hold you close. Understand your limits and know where to draw the line. Know your friends and accept them all as my friends. I would trust you and be trustworthy enough for you. You will have no fears with me, live dangerously and make everyday an adventure. Live life and love it, have no regrets. Be alone and never be lonely. Passion kindness, honesty, happiness, sincerity and respect will be everyday words. Hatred, sadness, contempt and hypocrisy will never come about. A million people in the world and I only have eyes for you. Wear your emotions on your sleeves and I will care for them as my own. Give me a smile and I will give you my whole. Be there for me and I’ll be there for you a thousand times over.
To Those Crazy Jealous Girlfriends
This is to those crazy jealous girlfriends. I have to admit I am one of you. I never wanted to be, never thought I would be, but then I fell in love for the first time and found out what is like to see the love of your life with his ex. Last night I let my emotions get the best of me and freaked out when he hugged her…it was just a hug and I flipped. I don’t understand why I get so jealous. He’s mine all mine not hers and I know that and he knows that and he makes sure that I know that. He loves me with all his heart and shows it even when I get into bitch mode. He is my sweetheart and yet I treat him like shit when his ex walks into the room. He asked me this morning how could anyone that "loved" him treat him they way I did. I didn’t have an answer but now I do. It's because I love him so much because I never want to lose him or see him in someone else’s arms. I want him to be mine forever and at times I get selfish and stupid and freak out for no reason. But it’s because I’m so deeply in love with him. But I pushed him pretty far away last night. So far that I’m not sure he is coming back. But I pray to God that he does. Because if I lose him I don’t know what I’m going to do. So, honey, this is my sincere apology. You’re my whole life you’re my whole world. I’m so sorry I turn in to a selfish bitch from time to time, my job in this relationship is to work on that, and I can tell you that I’m going to. And to all those other crazy girlfriends like me this is a warning, don’t let it get to the point of no return, change, it’s that simple. I know how you feel and I understand when jealousy gets the best of you but I’m sure your boyfriend loves you just as much as mine loves me (which is a shit ton) and if we are just crazy and freakin out all the time how are we showing them that we love them back, so work on it, all of you. That’s my advice for the day, basically to sum it all up crazy bitches need to stop being crazy bitches.
Always and Forever
Always and Forever
Sunday, July 3, 2011
There Are No Rules
I don't know enough about anything to preach to anyone, I don't have enough life experience to make assumptions about love, about what it means and what it does to us. But I've caught on recently, to something. through a series of painful realizations, it's started to make an odd sort of sense. not real sense, but the crazy, uninhibited sort of sense that only love can make. I've realized that everything we make ourselves do, everything we put ourselves through, there's no reason for it. The things we say, the places we go to on dates, the public display of affection, the hand holding, the little notes, we only do these things because that's all we know of love. That's what we've seen on television and read about in books.That's the kind of love that we've been taught, is real. But it's only action. And actions might speak louder than words, but feeling means more than action. It's like a twisted game of rock-paper-scissors.
I know that these things often do accompany real love. Because if you're in love, you want to hold his hand. You want to leave a little note in his jacket pocket for him to find in the wash a week later, give to him, and know he's thinking of you. You want to smell him, you want him to hold you and tell you that you're perfect just the way you are. You want to kiss him and make him feel good. You want to listen to the music he listens to, just in the hopes that it will help you understand him better. You want to know everything. You want to put his needs ahead of your own, and you want to do it all so that he knows you love him. But doing it when you're legitimately in love isn't playing by the rules. Because in love, there are no rules. No one to tell you that you're doing it wrong, not even yourself. Because to worry and nit pick over the small things is to look back. And love means not looking back. Love means holding him, and being afraid. Because you could lose him at any moment, but that fear is what keeps you hanging on. In love, anything goes, and that's okay. That's what is so beautiful about it.
Is love fear? I don't think so. But what do i know? My life isn't even a quarter of the way through, and I think about things like this? I think about a lot of things that scare me actually. what I loved about him was that he was my best friend. He didn't scare me, not until he left. And now looking at him, every time, it tears me up. I wonder where I went wrong. Which rules did I break? But I realized, recently, that the only rule I broke, was assuming that there were rules. Because there aren't. I realized too late, that in love, there are no rules.
I know that these things often do accompany real love. Because if you're in love, you want to hold his hand. You want to leave a little note in his jacket pocket for him to find in the wash a week later, give to him, and know he's thinking of you. You want to smell him, you want him to hold you and tell you that you're perfect just the way you are. You want to kiss him and make him feel good. You want to listen to the music he listens to, just in the hopes that it will help you understand him better. You want to know everything. You want to put his needs ahead of your own, and you want to do it all so that he knows you love him. But doing it when you're legitimately in love isn't playing by the rules. Because in love, there are no rules. No one to tell you that you're doing it wrong, not even yourself. Because to worry and nit pick over the small things is to look back. And love means not looking back. Love means holding him, and being afraid. Because you could lose him at any moment, but that fear is what keeps you hanging on. In love, anything goes, and that's okay. That's what is so beautiful about it.
Is love fear? I don't think so. But what do i know? My life isn't even a quarter of the way through, and I think about things like this? I think about a lot of things that scare me actually. what I loved about him was that he was my best friend. He didn't scare me, not until he left. And now looking at him, every time, it tears me up. I wonder where I went wrong. Which rules did I break? But I realized, recently, that the only rule I broke, was assuming that there were rules. Because there aren't. I realized too late, that in love, there are no rules.
The Glass Girl
I feel like I am made of glass. And at any moment, all my pieces could shatter and break. It's always easier to blame other people isn't it? It would be easy to say that you did this to me, that you became such a part of my soul, that your departure from my life sent me spiraling out of control. And maybe to an extent that's true. There's no doubt that I gave my heart to a man who ran so far away with it that I'm not sure it will ever really come back. But to put all that blame on you would be naive, and I would never want to flatter you in that way. The truth is, I was broken before you came barreling into my life. And now that you're gone, I'm just one step closer to shattering. My problem isn't making someone else fall in love with me, it's falling in love with myself. I've struggled for years to be happy with who I am, and I made the mistake of letting someone else try to make me happy, make me more alive. But how can I fault someone for falling out of love with me, when I have never even loved myself?
I Will Keep Waiting for You
I've never been so sure of anything. It's like, I've finally come to understand the difference between dread and fear, and those nervous butterflies that everyone keeps talking about. You want to know how I know? Because when I'm with you, I feel those butterflies fluttering around inside of me. But they don't make me want to run the other direction, like the fear has done before. If anything, they make me want to press myself as close as I can to you- skin to skin, heartbeat to heartbeat, because when I do that, the butterflies quiet their wings for a bit and they let me feel you. Feel all of you. And it's in those moments that I realize that the fear I feel is only surface level. It's the kind of fear you feel right before you turn on a bright light after hours of being in the dark- just a few seconds before you open your eyes to see something so beautiful, something you couldn't see before. For the first time in my life, I don't want to run away. I want to be with you, I want all of you.
But you don't want me, and as you go from girlfriend to girlfriend, hurting when they hurt you, you're overlooking something so important. You know that I love you, and you've told me that you love me too. It doesn't make sense that you would continue to go for girls that you know will break your heart, when I'm here- loving you endlessly. So you know what I think? I think that you're scared. You're scared that it's possible for someone to love you as much as I do, and you don't want to get hurt. But honey, what you don't seem to understand, is that I'm that one person who would never hurt you.
Even though it's breaking my heart, I will keep waiting for you to realize what is right here. I dare you to love me back, because I'm that person that you're looking for. The one that won't hurt you, will never leave you, and will always love you. That's me. I love you so much.
But you don't want me, and as you go from girlfriend to girlfriend, hurting when they hurt you, you're overlooking something so important. You know that I love you, and you've told me that you love me too. It doesn't make sense that you would continue to go for girls that you know will break your heart, when I'm here- loving you endlessly. So you know what I think? I think that you're scared. You're scared that it's possible for someone to love you as much as I do, and you don't want to get hurt. But honey, what you don't seem to understand, is that I'm that one person who would never hurt you.
Even though it's breaking my heart, I will keep waiting for you to realize what is right here. I dare you to love me back, because I'm that person that you're looking for. The one that won't hurt you, will never leave you, and will always love you. That's me. I love you so much.
Give Up On Love or Die Trying?
Love is something wonderful, so they say. And I've trusted them, until right now.
How come I haven't experienced what everyone's talking about? "It comes when it comes," my very-much-in-love-friend said with a smile. "I didn't search for it, it came to me." She flashed another smile. Those two sentences felt like a knife through my chest. So, I'm just supposed to wait? I don't want to wait anymore. I've been waiting and searching for almost 27 long years. I want to be able to feel, touch and taste the "love" that is supposed to be out there. Because love, that is what I've answered when people ask what I think life is all about. But now I don't know anymore. Because I can't keep hoping, waiting and praying for it to appear forever. Because then I will die without having to experience life, since the whole meaning with life is just that- love. It hurts for me to realise that love is all around me but somehow I'm not even allowed to have a tiny, small piece.
Should I give up on love, or die trying?
How come I haven't experienced what everyone's talking about? "It comes when it comes," my very-much-in-love-friend said with a smile. "I didn't search for it, it came to me." She flashed another smile. Those two sentences felt like a knife through my chest. So, I'm just supposed to wait? I don't want to wait anymore. I've been waiting and searching for almost 27 long years. I want to be able to feel, touch and taste the "love" that is supposed to be out there. Because love, that is what I've answered when people ask what I think life is all about. But now I don't know anymore. Because I can't keep hoping, waiting and praying for it to appear forever. Because then I will die without having to experience life, since the whole meaning with life is just that- love. It hurts for me to realise that love is all around me but somehow I'm not even allowed to have a tiny, small piece.
Should I give up on love, or die trying?
Late Night Insecurities
Its 2:04 a.m and I'm awake,not surprisingly.
A few years ago I wouldn't have been surprised by my actions. Caught off guard, or even ashamed of myself. I didn't care what they thought. His stupid friends, the other girls. My demons were out in the open. Unmasked. For everyone to see. I was shameless. I was jealous. I was clingy. I was the controlling girlfriend whose only language was "nag". I was insecure. At some point in that relationship, I somehow learned to control those emotions. I eventually used the same insecurities he installed in me against him, using them to push him away. Knowing I deserved better, with the understanding that I'd never be strong enough to walk away myself. He was simple, to rid myself of, after numerous failed attempts. My lack of confidence, not so much. It lingered.
Then you came along. Still in control, I found it easy to mask the fears of abandonment, rejection, and not being good enough from you. How could I let you know I was damaged? That my heart had been so dismantled prior to your repairs or that the butterflies I felt with you, were so unfamiliar to me. What if you knew that my own smile was not recognizable to me in the months before you came into my life. Would you want a damaged heart? No. I would hide my demons from you. To you, I was still worth something. I was beautiful, not fat. Sincere, not a liar. Charming, not annoying. I was happy, a little crazy, and slightly up and down, but I was passionate. Not dramatic. Even the moments in which I would mispronounce something, turned into intimate and memorable moments in which I was adorable. Not stupid. I was everything to you I had always wanted to be to somebody, anybody. To this day, or night, I remain amazing in your eyes. Your love for me is still beyond my comprehension.
It's been a while now. My demons have stayed dormant. Unbeknownst to me, they have been growing stronger all the while. How could I have known, that while you were making me feel like the luckiest girl in the world, so special and beautiful, I was so insecure beneath it all. We aren't in a relationship at the moment, at least not the kind that provides us with the security of labels. Nothing is what you expect these days, I'm learning, as I realize each day I only miss you more and not less like people tell me. From the "Oh, it hurts now, but in a month, you won't even feel it." to "you'll find someone new in no time". I should know your the only one I can rely on for the truth. And the truth is, it doesn't get easier being just your friend. It isn't a piece of cake to turn away from the comments of flirty remarks. These girls are like ants and your like sugar. They all want you, and now, as just a friend, I can do nothing more than sit back, keep quiet and pray one of them isn't more charming than me. These days, that's not setting the bar high. Recently my jealousy has surfaced. Stronger than before, I bear no control of the emotion. It's lashed out a couple of times, crossing the friend zone lines and into the boundaries of a psychotic ex. Even at that, you find me cute, letting my unwarranted possessiveness stroke your ego. As the days go by, my insecurities and self doubt have continued to expose themselves in the form of heavy sighs and clingyness, leaving me no control over my thoughts, words or tears. Today, I hope, was the lowest I can go. As far as breakdowns at least. I cried. I revealed all my unconcealed insecurities. Baring to you the inner workings of my messed up mind. I am pretty sure your now aware just how damaged I may be. It just happened; all of my feelings I've tried to keep hidden from you for this long, escaped in the form of quiet sobs. You never miss a thing. Your so in tune with me that even as I tried to steady my voice, soften my breathing and tell you "no" I wasn't crying, you knew. I can't fool you. We're just that connected. I couldn't stop. The tears just kept running and by the time I said goodnight we had both cried. Not even 10 minutes has passed before...plop. Word vomit. Out come all my insecurities. Texted to you of course, in fear of rejection. As if it would hurt less that way if you decided I'm just a little too crazy. But you don't. You listen. And you respond with all the things you would find in a "how to be the perfect man" handbook. And yet again, I'm in awe of you. They don't go away that easily, and I'm no longer naive enough to believe that they might. But you definitely make me feel a little more normal than perhaps I really am.
In the last few years we've loved and laughed and had some really awesome moments. We've cried and yelled. We've said some hurtful things to one another. I've been stubborn and a pain in your ass at times. You've been selfish in such selfless ways and a complete asshole in a few moments. We have together dealt with stalkers, bad timing, relapse and judgment, among many other obstacles. You have been there for me in so many ways and I can only hope I have helped you in others. Yes, the last year has had its many ups, and the occasional down, but were still here, and somehow we have managed to stayed honest, true, and head over heels for one another. You have become my best friend, my lover, and the man of my dreams. While my insecurities may stick around to keep me up late for some time to come, and at times they may leave you feeling accused or aggravated, just know that with every "I love you" you say, brings much comfort in the fact that for that day, your heart is still mine.
It's now 4:05am.
A few years ago I wouldn't have been surprised by my actions. Caught off guard, or even ashamed of myself. I didn't care what they thought. His stupid friends, the other girls. My demons were out in the open. Unmasked. For everyone to see. I was shameless. I was jealous. I was clingy. I was the controlling girlfriend whose only language was "nag". I was insecure. At some point in that relationship, I somehow learned to control those emotions. I eventually used the same insecurities he installed in me against him, using them to push him away. Knowing I deserved better, with the understanding that I'd never be strong enough to walk away myself. He was simple, to rid myself of, after numerous failed attempts. My lack of confidence, not so much. It lingered.
Then you came along. Still in control, I found it easy to mask the fears of abandonment, rejection, and not being good enough from you. How could I let you know I was damaged? That my heart had been so dismantled prior to your repairs or that the butterflies I felt with you, were so unfamiliar to me. What if you knew that my own smile was not recognizable to me in the months before you came into my life. Would you want a damaged heart? No. I would hide my demons from you. To you, I was still worth something. I was beautiful, not fat. Sincere, not a liar. Charming, not annoying. I was happy, a little crazy, and slightly up and down, but I was passionate. Not dramatic. Even the moments in which I would mispronounce something, turned into intimate and memorable moments in which I was adorable. Not stupid. I was everything to you I had always wanted to be to somebody, anybody. To this day, or night, I remain amazing in your eyes. Your love for me is still beyond my comprehension.
It's been a while now. My demons have stayed dormant. Unbeknownst to me, they have been growing stronger all the while. How could I have known, that while you were making me feel like the luckiest girl in the world, so special and beautiful, I was so insecure beneath it all. We aren't in a relationship at the moment, at least not the kind that provides us with the security of labels. Nothing is what you expect these days, I'm learning, as I realize each day I only miss you more and not less like people tell me. From the "Oh, it hurts now, but in a month, you won't even feel it." to "you'll find someone new in no time". I should know your the only one I can rely on for the truth. And the truth is, it doesn't get easier being just your friend. It isn't a piece of cake to turn away from the comments of flirty remarks. These girls are like ants and your like sugar. They all want you, and now, as just a friend, I can do nothing more than sit back, keep quiet and pray one of them isn't more charming than me. These days, that's not setting the bar high. Recently my jealousy has surfaced. Stronger than before, I bear no control of the emotion. It's lashed out a couple of times, crossing the friend zone lines and into the boundaries of a psychotic ex. Even at that, you find me cute, letting my unwarranted possessiveness stroke your ego. As the days go by, my insecurities and self doubt have continued to expose themselves in the form of heavy sighs and clingyness, leaving me no control over my thoughts, words or tears. Today, I hope, was the lowest I can go. As far as breakdowns at least. I cried. I revealed all my unconcealed insecurities. Baring to you the inner workings of my messed up mind. I am pretty sure your now aware just how damaged I may be. It just happened; all of my feelings I've tried to keep hidden from you for this long, escaped in the form of quiet sobs. You never miss a thing. Your so in tune with me that even as I tried to steady my voice, soften my breathing and tell you "no" I wasn't crying, you knew. I can't fool you. We're just that connected. I couldn't stop. The tears just kept running and by the time I said goodnight we had both cried. Not even 10 minutes has passed before...plop. Word vomit. Out come all my insecurities. Texted to you of course, in fear of rejection. As if it would hurt less that way if you decided I'm just a little too crazy. But you don't. You listen. And you respond with all the things you would find in a "how to be the perfect man" handbook. And yet again, I'm in awe of you. They don't go away that easily, and I'm no longer naive enough to believe that they might. But you definitely make me feel a little more normal than perhaps I really am.
In the last few years we've loved and laughed and had some really awesome moments. We've cried and yelled. We've said some hurtful things to one another. I've been stubborn and a pain in your ass at times. You've been selfish in such selfless ways and a complete asshole in a few moments. We have together dealt with stalkers, bad timing, relapse and judgment, among many other obstacles. You have been there for me in so many ways and I can only hope I have helped you in others. Yes, the last year has had its many ups, and the occasional down, but were still here, and somehow we have managed to stayed honest, true, and head over heels for one another. You have become my best friend, my lover, and the man of my dreams. While my insecurities may stick around to keep me up late for some time to come, and at times they may leave you feeling accused or aggravated, just know that with every "I love you" you say, brings much comfort in the fact that for that day, your heart is still mine.
It's now 4:05am.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Soak Up Every Second
I was someone else's when you came into my life. However, I knew from the first time we hung out that you were meant for me. You have been with me for almost three years. I don't know how we made it through the second year, seeing all we did was fight. But you believed in us, sometimes more than I did. I often wake up and wish that we could fast forward and start our lives together, but when I really think about it, why rush? You're mine forever, might as well soak up every second. So here's to loving you more with every beat of my heart.
I Feel Good
Right now, I feel good. I feel good knowing that you care about me. I feel good knowing that you will give me a chance. I feel good knowing you see me for what I am, not what they say I am. I feel good when you send me messages to tell me how much you care, because you don't know how I'll react if you tell it to me in person.
I want you to know that I like you so much. I want it to be us. Us two against the universe. I want you to know that each time I go to bed a picture of your face is stuck in my mind. I want you to know that when I'm at work you're in my mind all of the time. I want you to know that right now – you are the reason I'm staying up til early hours of the morning, hoping you will talk to me.
I love how you tell me I am beautiful. I love how you kiss me in the most passionate ways. I love how you smile at me when I said something silly. I love the way you hold me when I'm sleeping. I love how you wake me up in the middle of the night just to tell me you love me and ask if I am okay.
You're a handsom man. You're so amazing that a thousand of people deserve to hear about you. You're so good, you're so bad, that everybody wants to be on your lips. Oh baby, I won't mind getting up at 4 am each day just to leave you satisifed before work.
I think I'm falling in love with you. It feels good.
I want you to know that I like you so much. I want it to be us. Us two against the universe. I want you to know that each time I go to bed a picture of your face is stuck in my mind. I want you to know that when I'm at work you're in my mind all of the time. I want you to know that right now – you are the reason I'm staying up til early hours of the morning, hoping you will talk to me.
I love how you tell me I am beautiful. I love how you kiss me in the most passionate ways. I love how you smile at me when I said something silly. I love the way you hold me when I'm sleeping. I love how you wake me up in the middle of the night just to tell me you love me and ask if I am okay.
You're a handsom man. You're so amazing that a thousand of people deserve to hear about you. You're so good, you're so bad, that everybody wants to be on your lips. Oh baby, I won't mind getting up at 4 am each day just to leave you satisifed before work.
I think I'm falling in love with you. It feels good.
I Don't Believe in Love Anymore
I don't believe in love anymore. I once was love's biggest fan. I loved love. I believed in love at first sight, true love, soul mate, all that mushy-gushy stuff the best songs and books are written about. It's what every little girl dreams about. One day my prince will come....blah blah blah. I used to believe in love. I was in love, like I'm talking head over heals, stars in your eyes in L-O-V-E. I loved you with all my heart even though I knew you weren't perfect. You were always more sure about us. Then we broke up for a short time, but our hearts led us back together after three months of not ever really being broken up. When I found about you and her being intimate, I thought my world would end. But time heals all wounds right? And you were so sorry and it was the biggest mistake of your life and I took you back once again. We were happy again and more in love than ever. Then you said you wanted to take things further when the summer ended. And from there we would live happily ever after, you even knew what you wanted to do but wouldn't tell me the surprise. I was living every girls fantasy. Against the odds we were soul mates made for one another. You went on your bowling trip and wrote me romantic emails. Then an e-mail came later on down the road saying it had all been a lie. A lie? Three years was a lie? What should I be more upset about my broken dreams and broken heart, or the fact that I fell for it? Only fools fall in love, and love played me like a fiddle. So I don't believe in love anymore. Because if you don't believe in love there is nothing to cry about, and I don't have anymore tears to cry. So I gave up on love because it gave up on me.
Putting This Puzzle Together
I’ve always been able to control everything, except for my heart, especially around you. When you walk into a room, there is no controlling that light-headed feeling along with a serious bout of butterflies. No matter how many times my head has tried to talk myself out of you, it seems to me, that love conquers all sorts of rationality.
The womanizer, the guy I swore I’d never fall for, that is you. I didn’t want to be just another girl in your stable chock-full of women. But we have a deep friendship that runs past our sexual attraction to one another. That other night when we were together, I felt like you and I were best friends, yet the sexual tension could have been cut with a knife. I longed so much to just passionately kiss you, but I couldn’t for fear of the aftermath. My persistence on the speed of the relationship last time messed up a lot of things. You proved not to be ready for any sort of serious commitment, and now you may be, but I’m far too afraid to ask. I want you and your heart so terribly bad, but my fear of rejection is crippling me.
We’ve had our ups and down. I’ve convinced myself I hated you, I’ve convinced myself you didn’t care about me. I’ve told all my friends that you are a big idiot, a silly guy who I could do much better than, and they agree. But I always let you right back in. It is like you are the only person who I’ve ever given a key to my heart. You know my goals, my hopes, my fears, my struggles. I can try to hide them from you with my sharp words and short answers, but you are the only one who seems to be able to read the thoughts right behind my eyes. But with you, I never really know. Could your charm be deceiving me into thinking that you really care? That is what my head tells me, night after night. But when you remember my favorite book and my feelings and ask me about my family and tell me you believe in me, it is hard to think that you are just trying to sleep with me.
Our run-around has gone on forquite a few years, and I just want us to be together. I think you are finally getting in a state where you can handle a relationship, and I don’t want anyone else. I can’t say I will wait for you, but my heart knows I will. I’m so afraid you will fall for someone else, but then when you contact me to just say hi and talk to me, my fears melt away.
When I see you, the feelings are intensified even more. It is so hard for me to resist you, and I wonder if you feel the same way. And even if you do, I wonder if you are too afraid to do anything about it. A womanizer like you can’t possibly give his heart to just one girl, settle down, can he? I don’t know, but I would love to feel what a real relationship would be like with you. We both know it would work and be magical, but we are mutually afraid to fall.
You are my puzzle. I can control every other aspect of my life, but my feelings for you never seem to dwindle. I just wish we could start putting this puzzle together.
The womanizer, the guy I swore I’d never fall for, that is you. I didn’t want to be just another girl in your stable chock-full of women. But we have a deep friendship that runs past our sexual attraction to one another. That other night when we were together, I felt like you and I were best friends, yet the sexual tension could have been cut with a knife. I longed so much to just passionately kiss you, but I couldn’t for fear of the aftermath. My persistence on the speed of the relationship last time messed up a lot of things. You proved not to be ready for any sort of serious commitment, and now you may be, but I’m far too afraid to ask. I want you and your heart so terribly bad, but my fear of rejection is crippling me.
We’ve had our ups and down. I’ve convinced myself I hated you, I’ve convinced myself you didn’t care about me. I’ve told all my friends that you are a big idiot, a silly guy who I could do much better than, and they agree. But I always let you right back in. It is like you are the only person who I’ve ever given a key to my heart. You know my goals, my hopes, my fears, my struggles. I can try to hide them from you with my sharp words and short answers, but you are the only one who seems to be able to read the thoughts right behind my eyes. But with you, I never really know. Could your charm be deceiving me into thinking that you really care? That is what my head tells me, night after night. But when you remember my favorite book and my feelings and ask me about my family and tell me you believe in me, it is hard to think that you are just trying to sleep with me.
Our run-around has gone on forquite a few years, and I just want us to be together. I think you are finally getting in a state where you can handle a relationship, and I don’t want anyone else. I can’t say I will wait for you, but my heart knows I will. I’m so afraid you will fall for someone else, but then when you contact me to just say hi and talk to me, my fears melt away.
When I see you, the feelings are intensified even more. It is so hard for me to resist you, and I wonder if you feel the same way. And even if you do, I wonder if you are too afraid to do anything about it. A womanizer like you can’t possibly give his heart to just one girl, settle down, can he? I don’t know, but I would love to feel what a real relationship would be like with you. We both know it would work and be magical, but we are mutually afraid to fall.
You are my puzzle. I can control every other aspect of my life, but my feelings for you never seem to dwindle. I just wish we could start putting this puzzle together.
I Will Always Love You No Matter What
Our first looks at each other, our first conversation, our first kiss. Our first text message and our first real talk. I'll never forget. Never forget the feelings and how perfect everything was. We could be awake and talk about everything until the next morning, we could text into the phone for hours without having any words left to say and we could lay down for a very long time and just stare into each others eyes without saying anything. It was love. Real love.
We became closer and closer and when i thought it couldn't be better he said the three most beautiful words I was longing to hear. He said "I love you" with a tear in his eye and said that he never thought he could have this feelings for anyone. It was the best moment of my life. I was in love. Terrible in love.
We talked about everything and we laughed, cried and did things together. That was life. You were life. You were the best boyfriend ever and everything would have been meaningless if you weren't in my life. I would go to the moon, travel round the world and count all the stars. Just for you.
We were so equal you and me, but different at the same time. We had something that other people just could dream of. I'll never forget how you said I was beautiful when I looked the most terrible than ever. And I'll never forget how special you made me feel. You had girlfriends before but I was the only one you fell in love with and I was the only one you ever cared about. Every time I got a text message from you my heart stopped and every time I saw you came and saw me I got a smile on my lips. You were mine.
But things changed. I can't count the sleepless nights and how many tears that have fell down on my cheek. I can't count how many times my heart got in thousand pieces and when everything felt meaningless. I have been so loved by you, but you have hurt me so badly at the same time. I never thought we would come to this part in our relationship were we don't show any respect and neither can live with or without each other. But now we stand here and don't know what's right or wrong. The only thing I know is that I'll always love you, no matter what.
We became closer and closer and when i thought it couldn't be better he said the three most beautiful words I was longing to hear. He said "I love you" with a tear in his eye and said that he never thought he could have this feelings for anyone. It was the best moment of my life. I was in love. Terrible in love.
We talked about everything and we laughed, cried and did things together. That was life. You were life. You were the best boyfriend ever and everything would have been meaningless if you weren't in my life. I would go to the moon, travel round the world and count all the stars. Just for you.
We were so equal you and me, but different at the same time. We had something that other people just could dream of. I'll never forget how you said I was beautiful when I looked the most terrible than ever. And I'll never forget how special you made me feel. You had girlfriends before but I was the only one you fell in love with and I was the only one you ever cared about. Every time I got a text message from you my heart stopped and every time I saw you came and saw me I got a smile on my lips. You were mine.
But things changed. I can't count the sleepless nights and how many tears that have fell down on my cheek. I can't count how many times my heart got in thousand pieces and when everything felt meaningless. I have been so loved by you, but you have hurt me so badly at the same time. I never thought we would come to this part in our relationship were we don't show any respect and neither can live with or without each other. But now we stand here and don't know what's right or wrong. The only thing I know is that I'll always love you, no matter what.
Life Lessons
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.
I've learned that no matter how much I care some people just don't care back.
I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
I've learned that it's not what you have in your life, but whom you have in your life that counts.
I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I've learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.
I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I've learned that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And, just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
I’ve learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn’t stop for your grief.
I’ve learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt, and you will hurt in the process.
I've learned that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it.
I've learned that heroes are people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I’ve learned that you can keep going long after you can’t
I've learned that no matter how much I care some people just don't care back.
I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
I've learned that it's not what you have in your life, but whom you have in your life that counts.
I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I've learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.
I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I've learned that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And, just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
I’ve learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn’t stop for your grief.
I’ve learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt, and you will hurt in the process.
I've learned that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it.
I've learned that heroes are people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I’ve learned that you can keep going long after you can’t
Like In My Dreams
First time I saw you, you took my breath away. I have never seen a more beautiful person than you. After that you were my dream, I wanted it to be a dream. You and me, forever. The thing is we don't even know each other, but when I look at you I just want to be with you and talk about all the things that are possible to talk about. I want to be in your arms and I want you to see me and love me. But this is still a dream. I know that we will never be together, but my heart really hopes that one day, when the sun is shining, that it can be you and me. I know it's too late now that you have a girlfriend. But it doesn't matter because from what I have heard, the impossible love is the strongest. So please, see me, like I saw you for the first time. I know that you can't decide what is going to happen. It depends on destiny. I want to be your destiny. I just want to get to know you, and then maybe we can be more. WE can be each other's everything, like in my dreams. Because you are everywhere in my dreams. When I have a good day, it is because you were in my dream the night before. Let me be your dream. Let me be seen by you. Let me be your everything.
That's What I Want
"Good morning my love!
I don’t think I could ever describe the way I really feel about you. I am so blessed for being the one you chose to be with and it’s a privilege to love you and to take care of you. You know that your a ‘Gift from God’ and it really is true because that’s what you are for me.
I want to be by your side forever, to lay with you and hear you breathing, watching you sleep. You’re so gorgeous! I never get tired of looking at you. Your beauty mesmerizes me. And our son is so beautiful because he has you as your father.
I love you so much. I want to marry you, to share my whole life with you, to wake up every day and see the most handsome guy I’ve ever seen. My best friend, my boyfriendd and hopefully my future husband. You’re the only one that I picture myself with in the future.
I was wondering about our future the other day, and I imagined us holding our baby through the night, trying to make him sleep. You were rocking him to sleep. And I realized that, that’s what I want, that’s what I really want with all that’s within me.
Thank you for being so caring, loving and patient.
Thank you for being my partner in crime
I love you"
I don’t think I could ever describe the way I really feel about you. I am so blessed for being the one you chose to be with and it’s a privilege to love you and to take care of you. You know that your a ‘Gift from God’ and it really is true because that’s what you are for me.
I want to be by your side forever, to lay with you and hear you breathing, watching you sleep. You’re so gorgeous! I never get tired of looking at you. Your beauty mesmerizes me. And our son is so beautiful because he has you as your father.
I love you so much. I want to marry you, to share my whole life with you, to wake up every day and see the most handsome guy I’ve ever seen. My best friend, my boyfriendd and hopefully my future husband. You’re the only one that I picture myself with in the future.
I was wondering about our future the other day, and I imagined us holding our baby through the night, trying to make him sleep. You were rocking him to sleep. And I realized that, that’s what I want, that’s what I really want with all that’s within me.
Thank you for being so caring, loving and patient.
Thank you for being my partner in crime
I love you"
Up to How You Really Feel
Hey "bestest" friend. You know who you are.
I'm just writing this to say that I've been thinking a lot lately and I realize this is going nowhere. We can never really talk heart to heart and that's what I want. Communication is just really important to me. Although it's kind of hard, I kept trying and I sometimes worked but never for a long time. It's hard for me to commit without you. So please, tell me if you really do like me, so I will know if my efforts are worth anything at all. Don't hint some remark that could possibly be known as flirting. Because that gets me confused and mad. For all I know, you could be just really friendly and have not thought of us being more than friends. Your actions and words speak otherwise...
And with all I know, I've been liking you for a few years now. And I can't wait any longer. I need answers.
So here's to the possibilities. Either you end this unknown and tell me how you really feel or I just walk away. Even being just friends with you is too hard. I need to move on. I can't be stuck waiting.
And whether you read this or not, it's going to be here. Whether you reply to this or not, it's up to how you really feel.
I'm just writing this to say that I've been thinking a lot lately and I realize this is going nowhere. We can never really talk heart to heart and that's what I want. Communication is just really important to me. Although it's kind of hard, I kept trying and I sometimes worked but never for a long time. It's hard for me to commit without you. So please, tell me if you really do like me, so I will know if my efforts are worth anything at all. Don't hint some remark that could possibly be known as flirting. Because that gets me confused and mad. For all I know, you could be just really friendly and have not thought of us being more than friends. Your actions and words speak otherwise...
And with all I know, I've been liking you for a few years now. And I can't wait any longer. I need answers.
So here's to the possibilities. Either you end this unknown and tell me how you really feel or I just walk away. Even being just friends with you is too hard. I need to move on. I can't be stuck waiting.
And whether you read this or not, it's going to be here. Whether you reply to this or not, it's up to how you really feel.
No Easy Way Out
Why do I have to be the bad guy? Breaking up isn't always bad, right? What if breaking up was the only option? What if breaking up was the best option?
Most people don't appreciate that the person choosing to initiate the break-up has it really hard. Sure, whenever we picture someone dumping someone, we picture them as the dick who ruined the relationship because they didn't care enough or they wanted someone else more. But what if the person ending the relationship is the brave one? They're the one who is willing to accept the responsibility. They're willing to say, "This is the right choice for both of us."
What's the best option between breaking your best friend's heart now, or not wanting to hurt them now and hurting them even more later? Bite the bullet. Take the hit. It's painful, like a plunge into ice cold water. But like the body, your heart and mind slowly adjust to the change in atmosphere. You know that you're there alone, and you're making the decision for two people, but you've got to be sure it's the right one. And you are sure that it's the right one. Or at least that's what you hope.
But why the hell does having the guts to be honest make you a bad person? Why does it have to mean that you've victimized the other person somehow? Sure, he's hurting right now. But I know that I'm hurting knowing I've hurt him. I still wouldn't take it back, knowing I couldn't make myself love him and knowing I'd just make him more unhappy later.
There's no easy way out, but I'm not a villain for making the choice. Don't make the mistake that this decision was easy for me.
Most people don't appreciate that the person choosing to initiate the break-up has it really hard. Sure, whenever we picture someone dumping someone, we picture them as the dick who ruined the relationship because they didn't care enough or they wanted someone else more. But what if the person ending the relationship is the brave one? They're the one who is willing to accept the responsibility. They're willing to say, "This is the right choice for both of us."
What's the best option between breaking your best friend's heart now, or not wanting to hurt them now and hurting them even more later? Bite the bullet. Take the hit. It's painful, like a plunge into ice cold water. But like the body, your heart and mind slowly adjust to the change in atmosphere. You know that you're there alone, and you're making the decision for two people, but you've got to be sure it's the right one. And you are sure that it's the right one. Or at least that's what you hope.
But why the hell does having the guts to be honest make you a bad person? Why does it have to mean that you've victimized the other person somehow? Sure, he's hurting right now. But I know that I'm hurting knowing I've hurt him. I still wouldn't take it back, knowing I couldn't make myself love him and knowing I'd just make him more unhappy later.
There's no easy way out, but I'm not a villain for making the choice. Don't make the mistake that this decision was easy for me.
It's Not You, It's Me
You're beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me.
It's hard to fabricate lies when you don't want to make someone sad. When you really really like them...but not in that way. You can't just blatantly lie to them and pretend you love them...they're too beautiful for that. The thing is, they're also too beautiful to lie to. Too beautiful for you to hurt because you don't want to hurt them.You don't want to make them cry, to ruin their beauty by making them feel pain. The problem is...you can't not. You have to do one or the other......the pain...or the lies? Which is the best for them? Break their heart now.....or later. Later when they find out you never liked them like that. That when you kissed them you had to try you're hardest not to be disgusted because, yes they were beautiful but they weren't who you wanted. They were perfect but they just didn't have that special something. You don't want them to feel like it was their fault. Like they aren't perfect or beautiful. You want them to know that it's you. You're the one with the issue and you wish, wish that you could love them......but you can't. And it's killing you. You don't want it to be like that. You want to love being kissed by them. You want to lust after them. To give them your heart and soul.....but you simply just can't. You're incapable of feeling like that and it sucks. They're incredibly beautiful so beautiful that it hurts. And you can't hold back, you just have to tell them, you can't not. Because you know, you know deep down that this is for the best. That this is what you need to do and you do it. You don't want to and you despise yourself for it.....but you do it. You can't handle the pain that is shown upon this beautiful person so...you leave but just before you go you say those five dreaded words.....it's not you, it's me.
It's hard to fabricate lies when you don't want to make someone sad. When you really really like them...but not in that way. You can't just blatantly lie to them and pretend you love them...they're too beautiful for that. The thing is, they're also too beautiful to lie to. Too beautiful for you to hurt because you don't want to hurt them.You don't want to make them cry, to ruin their beauty by making them feel pain. The problem is...you can't not. You have to do one or the other......the pain...or the lies? Which is the best for them? Break their heart now.....or later. Later when they find out you never liked them like that. That when you kissed them you had to try you're hardest not to be disgusted because, yes they were beautiful but they weren't who you wanted. They were perfect but they just didn't have that special something. You don't want them to feel like it was their fault. Like they aren't perfect or beautiful. You want them to know that it's you. You're the one with the issue and you wish, wish that you could love them......but you can't. And it's killing you. You don't want it to be like that. You want to love being kissed by them. You want to lust after them. To give them your heart and soul.....but you simply just can't. You're incapable of feeling like that and it sucks. They're incredibly beautiful so beautiful that it hurts. And you can't hold back, you just have to tell them, you can't not. Because you know, you know deep down that this is for the best. That this is what you need to do and you do it. You don't want to and you despise yourself for it.....but you do it. You can't handle the pain that is shown upon this beautiful person so...you leave but just before you go you say those five dreaded words.....it's not you, it's me.
I Love(d) You
I love(d) you
It has been a while since we broke up, for the second time. It was different this time, we both gave up. I tried to get this relationship back but it's obviously not working.
My heart literally shattered into pieces at the moment you told me you're done trying to do anything to make this relationship work. And that you're just going to sit back and let whatever happen, happen. You said, "If God wants us to be together, we will." But then again, if you love something, you shoud work for it. It's sad, because you left me hanging.
You told me I am a bitch and I never appreciated anything. You said I never made effort in maintaining this relationship.I told myself to give all up on you.
But then again, I can't. Everyday, I feel so lost. And when our song started playing on the radio, the feeling I have towards you, it's there. Tears started shedding. Every night, I fall asleep in a wet pillow. While you enjoy hanging out with your friends. You told me you were hurtin too, but it doesn't seem like it.
And I can't watch any sort of love, romance movies anymore. Because it hurts so badly. I was never those who cried during sad love stories, but now, I am. You turned me into an emotionally weak person.
You promised me forever. You said you were going to have a future with me. You said I was the only one you loved. You are my first serious, adult relationship. You told me I was what you have wanted, you said you will love me for as long as you can. I told you I don't believe in sweet talks. But, you made me believe everything you said.
And then you tore me apart. You broke my heart. Completely.
But I love you, and yet I shouldn't.
You spoiled my whole perspective towards love. Do you know that?
You said we coudl be friends. So you started texting me as friends. You're giving me hope towards the relationship, a false hope. I tried not to reply, but how could I? Please stop this. It sucks.
One day, I will be happy again. I hope
It has been a while since we broke up, for the second time. It was different this time, we both gave up. I tried to get this relationship back but it's obviously not working.
My heart literally shattered into pieces at the moment you told me you're done trying to do anything to make this relationship work. And that you're just going to sit back and let whatever happen, happen. You said, "If God wants us to be together, we will." But then again, if you love something, you shoud work for it. It's sad, because you left me hanging.
You told me I am a bitch and I never appreciated anything. You said I never made effort in maintaining this relationship.I told myself to give all up on you.
But then again, I can't. Everyday, I feel so lost. And when our song started playing on the radio, the feeling I have towards you, it's there. Tears started shedding. Every night, I fall asleep in a wet pillow. While you enjoy hanging out with your friends. You told me you were hurtin too, but it doesn't seem like it.
And I can't watch any sort of love, romance movies anymore. Because it hurts so badly. I was never those who cried during sad love stories, but now, I am. You turned me into an emotionally weak person.
You promised me forever. You said you were going to have a future with me. You said I was the only one you loved. You are my first serious, adult relationship. You told me I was what you have wanted, you said you will love me for as long as you can. I told you I don't believe in sweet talks. But, you made me believe everything you said.
And then you tore me apart. You broke my heart. Completely.
But I love you, and yet I shouldn't.
You spoiled my whole perspective towards love. Do you know that?
You said we coudl be friends. So you started texting me as friends. You're giving me hope towards the relationship, a false hope. I tried not to reply, but how could I? Please stop this. It sucks.
One day, I will be happy again. I hope
Waiting
My life has been short but I have already learned quite a bit about love... not through personal experience, but more through seeing others I know love. Some love and lose, some lose someone they might have loved and luckily some love each other forever. I think about that one or many loves constantly, always hoping I don't miss my chance. My fear of never finding that love has mad me create an unattainable goal in my head; find the perfect guy you will find the perfect relationship and you will get the perfect life. That whole scenario is what I have been looking for.
But I have realized that kind of perfectness does not exist in a person. It exists in a connection, a relationship. That is what love is. Love is that person who isn't necessairly perfect, but is perfect for you.
They say real love comes when you aren't searching for it. I used to think that it was absurd to say that because most everyone is searching for love; and many do find it. But of all those people I know, who I have watched love, though it may not have lasted forever, I have realized one thing. They all loved. There isn't a person I know who could end their life saying they haven't loved. The moment I realized that, that was the moment I stopped searching. I stopped searching for that perfect guy., for that perfect relationship, for that perfect life.
I have never been in love, but I am waiting for it. No longer searching. Waiting because I know it will come.
But I have realized that kind of perfectness does not exist in a person. It exists in a connection, a relationship. That is what love is. Love is that person who isn't necessairly perfect, but is perfect for you.
They say real love comes when you aren't searching for it. I used to think that it was absurd to say that because most everyone is searching for love; and many do find it. But of all those people I know, who I have watched love, though it may not have lasted forever, I have realized one thing. They all loved. There isn't a person I know who could end their life saying they haven't loved. The moment I realized that, that was the moment I stopped searching. I stopped searching for that perfect guy., for that perfect relationship, for that perfect life.
I have never been in love, but I am waiting for it. No longer searching. Waiting because I know it will come.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
How to Flirt With a Girl or Guy
1. Choose Your TargetsYou don't have to have a crush on someone in order to flirt. Practice flirting with random people you see every day - people who might not even be on your dating radar - on order to hone your skills. That way, you'll have some flirting experience under your belt when you approach the people who really matter.
2. Have an Opening LineFind a reason to talk to the person. If you're in a class with them, come up with a question about an assignment. If they're standing in line behind you at a concert, ask about the band. Get creative, and be ready to respond to whatever they say.
3. Make Eye ContactIf you don't make eye contact, you'll look bored or uninterested, and that's not an impression you want to give. Too shy to look them right in the eyes? Here's a trick: look at the spot right between their eyes. It'll look like eye contact to them.
4. Come Up With a ComplimentPick one thing you like about the way they look - like their hair, their smile or an article of clothing. Let them know in a friendly way how much you like it. It'll make them feel good and will open them up to you. (If you can't think of an opening line for tip #2, a compliment will do.)
5. SmileYou don't have to go all Bozo the Clown, but the idea is to look like you enjoy talking to them. So be sure to throw them a smile whenever it makes sense. If they shoot one back, you'll know that they like talking to you, too.
6. Flirt With Your BodyThe body language you use when you flirt is just as important as what you say. Use good posture, point your body towards the person and try to find excuses to touch them.
7. Keep It LightYou'll get a way better response if you chat about fun, happy stuff (like your new puppy) than serious or sad stuff (like when your puppy got hit by a train). The point of flirting isn't to bare your soul or share your honest opinions about everything. It's to open the door to lots more conversations down the road.
8. Beware of Awkward SilencesOnce the convo drags, it's probably gone for good. Fill an awkward silence by asking the other person a question. Can't think of one? Ask them about something they're wearing or something in your environment (like a painting on the wall, or the music that's playing).
9. Wrap It UpIf you're not interested in talking anymore, politely find an excuse to head off into the sunset. If you are interested, give them a way to get in touch with you - like your phone number or Facebook name. This is (hopefully) just your first convo of many, so save some of that charm for the next time.
10. Practice, Practice, PracticeNo one's perfect at flirting the first time around. If the idea of flirting still gives you butterflies, don't worry - it just means that you need more practice. The more you flirt, the easier it'll get.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
A Love Manifesto
Come in... have a seat. I hope you are doing well and ready to chat about a few things that have been on my mind since we last spoke. Typically, we explore your innermost thoughts, but I have something to share with you and I think it just may be what you need to hear. You can call it a challenge, if you like. Connect with me, and I can assure you that you will leave more fulfilled than you came. Tall words? I give my word to you... now lets talk.
There are certain occasions in our lives where we have to make a declaration or profession of faith in something. I don't simply mean the conventional profession of faith, as in religion. However, we do it on such occasions where a true commitment is needed...not simply with words or actions, but wtih a firm commitment of both. There is a portion of the Declaration of Independece that I absolutely love. In the final line of the document, it states... "with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor."
In this pledge, a collection of individuals came together to make a decree that in spite of all obstacles that may come there way, they were going to remain faithful to the cause. Be it tribulation or threat of death, they stood firm on the premiseof what they believed. They believed that strongly in it!
Have you ever committed to soemthing or someone with so much passion and aggression that you were willing to pledge your life? I don't mean a hollow recital of words that a minister led you into saying. I'm talking about carrying a type of faith in something that if it fails, life isn't worth living anyway- so it leaves you with no alternatives. Something so sacred, so honorable, so crucial that it's simply not possible for someone else to understand how you feel about it. Perhaps its time to make a pledge of your own...
Maybe you need to take the vow that you won't give up on love. You need to wed the notion that no matter how many of your friends say "love is a myth" or "true love is lost, never to be found," you will hold to the pledge that love is a possibility. Not only is it a possibility, its a certainty. In this pledge, you have to be willing to make the necessary sacrifices. The sacrifices that will allow you to reign what has been shrouded in the cynicism that has caused you to doubt love veracity. If you have lost your relationship with love, please understand that it doesn't have the capacity to give up on you... you must have given up on it. Well, it is my pleasure to reintroduce you...
Relax your mind... breathe deeply... Repeat after me...
With everything that is within me, I am convinced that there exists something greater than me. It compels the flowers to bloom in spring... it cools the earth after rain. It's the upward slant of a pleasant smile. It's what redefines a tear, making it a manifestation of joy. It's the indescribable phenomena that allows laughter to be nature's most precious organic remedy... It's sometimes sweeter than I can stomach and often too bitter to maintain. The tighter I squeeze it, the more of it I lose. And, like the horizon, obtaining it seems to be just another foolish thought. Yet in still, I vow to continue seeking after it... with fervor... with respect... with humility. Even if the sun sets without it ever shining on me, I understand and respect the pursuit. Even more than that, I have the faith that it has been with me all along...quietly serving as my companion. In the moments when I'm alone, wondering and praying when it will come, it has been with me from the beginning. We are conjoined and forever inseparable. I pledge to savor and cherish the moments I have with it and value the journey while pursuing it. The times that I am with it, I will honor it as though it may never return... because it very well may not. I will not envy its relationship with others because what we have is something that has been reserved only for me. I will not take it for granted in my relationships, because once its gone, I am powerless to bring it back. I will trust and let it lead me to the places where it dwells in others. I will love without reservation and let myself to be loved with reckless abandonment. More than anything, I will love unbashedly, with an assured optimism that love has already pledged itself to me. Let these words forever be inscribed in my heart. This is my love manifesto.
Let it be so.
There are certain occasions in our lives where we have to make a declaration or profession of faith in something. I don't simply mean the conventional profession of faith, as in religion. However, we do it on such occasions where a true commitment is needed...not simply with words or actions, but wtih a firm commitment of both. There is a portion of the Declaration of Independece that I absolutely love. In the final line of the document, it states... "with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor."
In this pledge, a collection of individuals came together to make a decree that in spite of all obstacles that may come there way, they were going to remain faithful to the cause. Be it tribulation or threat of death, they stood firm on the premiseof what they believed. They believed that strongly in it!
Have you ever committed to soemthing or someone with so much passion and aggression that you were willing to pledge your life? I don't mean a hollow recital of words that a minister led you into saying. I'm talking about carrying a type of faith in something that if it fails, life isn't worth living anyway- so it leaves you with no alternatives. Something so sacred, so honorable, so crucial that it's simply not possible for someone else to understand how you feel about it. Perhaps its time to make a pledge of your own...
Maybe you need to take the vow that you won't give up on love. You need to wed the notion that no matter how many of your friends say "love is a myth" or "true love is lost, never to be found," you will hold to the pledge that love is a possibility. Not only is it a possibility, its a certainty. In this pledge, you have to be willing to make the necessary sacrifices. The sacrifices that will allow you to reign what has been shrouded in the cynicism that has caused you to doubt love veracity. If you have lost your relationship with love, please understand that it doesn't have the capacity to give up on you... you must have given up on it. Well, it is my pleasure to reintroduce you...
Relax your mind... breathe deeply... Repeat after me...
With everything that is within me, I am convinced that there exists something greater than me. It compels the flowers to bloom in spring... it cools the earth after rain. It's the upward slant of a pleasant smile. It's what redefines a tear, making it a manifestation of joy. It's the indescribable phenomena that allows laughter to be nature's most precious organic remedy... It's sometimes sweeter than I can stomach and often too bitter to maintain. The tighter I squeeze it, the more of it I lose. And, like the horizon, obtaining it seems to be just another foolish thought. Yet in still, I vow to continue seeking after it... with fervor... with respect... with humility. Even if the sun sets without it ever shining on me, I understand and respect the pursuit. Even more than that, I have the faith that it has been with me all along...quietly serving as my companion. In the moments when I'm alone, wondering and praying when it will come, it has been with me from the beginning. We are conjoined and forever inseparable. I pledge to savor and cherish the moments I have with it and value the journey while pursuing it. The times that I am with it, I will honor it as though it may never return... because it very well may not. I will not envy its relationship with others because what we have is something that has been reserved only for me. I will not take it for granted in my relationships, because once its gone, I am powerless to bring it back. I will trust and let it lead me to the places where it dwells in others. I will love without reservation and let myself to be loved with reckless abandonment. More than anything, I will love unbashedly, with an assured optimism that love has already pledged itself to me. Let these words forever be inscribed in my heart. This is my love manifesto.
Let it be so.
Why You Shoud Have Sex Everyday
Heard that song called Sexual Healing? It's not just a metaphor. Sex can actually heal. It can heal your body and mind and also prevent lots of diseases. Some say it's the first medicine ever known to man and it should be administered daily. Sounds too good to be true? Let's discover the five reasons to have sex each day.
Great Form of Exercise
Making love is a form of physical activity. During intercourse, the physiological changes in your body are consistent with a workout. You must have noticed that the respoiratory rate rises, which means you get tired. Hence, you burn calories. If you have sex three times a week for 15 minutes you will burn about 7,500 calories in a year. That's the equivalent of jogging 120km! Heavy breathing raises the amount of oxygen in your cells, and the testosterone produced during sex keeps your bones and muscles strong.
Pain Relief
The "honey, not today. I have a headache" cannot be an excuse anymore. During sex, both male and female bodies produce endorphins, hormones that act as a weak painkiller. A study conducted by reknowned sex therapist, Gina Ogden, showed that during sexual stimulation and especially during orgasm, we don't feel pain. If shefind another excuse, remind her that sex is good for the entire reproductive system, because it trains the PC muscle, which keeps the reproductive organs in shape. In women, sex can also increase fertility, postpone the menopause and relieve PMS symptoms.
Prostate Protection
Most of the fluid you ejaculate is secreted by the prostate gland. If you stop ejaculating, the fluid stays in the gland, which tends to swell, causing lots of problems. Regular ejaculation will wash those fluids out and ensure the well being of your prostate until old age. Problems may also occur when you suddenly change the frequency of ejaculations.
Prevents Erectile Dysfunctions
Fifty percent of men older than 40 suffer from erectile dysfunctions and all young men fear the moment when they won't be able to get it up anymore. The best medicine against impotence is... sex. An erection keeps the blood flowing through your penile arteries, so the tissue stays healthy. Plus, doctors compare an erection to an athletic reflex: the more you train the more capable you are to perform.
Stress Relief
It's a scientific fact; sex can be a very effective way of reducing stress levels. During sex your body produces dopamine, a substance that fights stress hormones, endorphins, also known as "happiness hormones" and oxytocin, a desire enhancing hormone secreted by the pituitary gland.
Great Form of Exercise
Making love is a form of physical activity. During intercourse, the physiological changes in your body are consistent with a workout. You must have noticed that the respoiratory rate rises, which means you get tired. Hence, you burn calories. If you have sex three times a week for 15 minutes you will burn about 7,500 calories in a year. That's the equivalent of jogging 120km! Heavy breathing raises the amount of oxygen in your cells, and the testosterone produced during sex keeps your bones and muscles strong.
Pain Relief
The "honey, not today. I have a headache" cannot be an excuse anymore. During sex, both male and female bodies produce endorphins, hormones that act as a weak painkiller. A study conducted by reknowned sex therapist, Gina Ogden, showed that during sexual stimulation and especially during orgasm, we don't feel pain. If shefind another excuse, remind her that sex is good for the entire reproductive system, because it trains the PC muscle, which keeps the reproductive organs in shape. In women, sex can also increase fertility, postpone the menopause and relieve PMS symptoms.
Prostate Protection
Most of the fluid you ejaculate is secreted by the prostate gland. If you stop ejaculating, the fluid stays in the gland, which tends to swell, causing lots of problems. Regular ejaculation will wash those fluids out and ensure the well being of your prostate until old age. Problems may also occur when you suddenly change the frequency of ejaculations.
Prevents Erectile Dysfunctions
Fifty percent of men older than 40 suffer from erectile dysfunctions and all young men fear the moment when they won't be able to get it up anymore. The best medicine against impotence is... sex. An erection keeps the blood flowing through your penile arteries, so the tissue stays healthy. Plus, doctors compare an erection to an athletic reflex: the more you train the more capable you are to perform.
Stress Relief
It's a scientific fact; sex can be a very effective way of reducing stress levels. During sex your body produces dopamine, a substance that fights stress hormones, endorphins, also known as "happiness hormones" and oxytocin, a desire enhancing hormone secreted by the pituitary gland.
The Debate Over Love at First Sight
Listen to enough pop songs and watch enough romantic movies, and you're bound to start believing that love at first sight happens all the time. But does it exist in the real world, between real people? Like so much about love, the question of love at first sight can't be answered objectively. But I will do my best to answer it here in the most helpful way.
Is Your Mind Playing Tricks on You?
Have you ever seen someone and instantly felt attracted to every part of them, including their personality (even though you haven't even talked to them yet)? You might be quick to call it love at first sight, but it's probably what psychologists call the attractiveness halo effect. When you see someone who looks great, your brain sometimes jumps to the conclusion that their personality must be great, too.
We all know that not everyone's looks and personalities match up. Some attractive people are total jerks, and some of the best people in the world aren't what you would neccessarily think of as hot. So the halo effect is really just an illusion. Your sudden feelings of love might go away as soon as you get to know the person better.
Love: More than Just Looks
Everyone's got a different take on what love is, but few people believe that's made out of stuff you can find just by looking at someone. Love (at least if you ask me) is made up of compromise, empathy and patience. You can't give or get those sorts of things at first sight.
That doesn't mean that your initial feelings can't turn into love. When you first see someone, you might instantly know that you want to get close to them and learn about them. As your relationship progresses, those feelings might eventually grow into love. But is "love" really the word for your gut reaction? Not unless your definition of love is kinda superficial.
When Couples "Just Know"
You might meet couples who say that when they saw each other for the first time, they "just knew." What did they really know? Probably that they liked how the other person looked and acted, and that they wanted to take things to the next step and get to know each other better.
If they want to call it "love at first sight," that's okay by me. But keep in mind that there are lots of other couples who get the same feeling when they meet each other, and it ends badly or doesn't go anywhere at all. It's not the first glance that makes it love. It's the stuff that comes later- the commitment and caring that makes a relationship last.
The Danger of Believing Too Strongly in Love at First Sight
You might be wondering why I'm giving love at first sight such a bad rap. It's not that I don't think the idea is sweet, or that I don't love me some romantic movies. But it's wrong to think that if you don't have intense feelings right away, it could never be love. Some of the best and strongest relationships started out in totally unromantic ways.
More importantly, though, the halo effect can be dangerous. If you see someone hot and assume that what you feel is love, you will overlook qualities in them that could end up hurting you. You might let them get away with abusive behavior because your heart has taken over your better judgment.
So, What's the Answer?
Whether or not you want to believe in love at first sight is up to you. Just don't go out there expecting to find it and get upset when you don't. And when you meet someone you instantly swoon over, be aware that there's a whole about them you haven't seen yet- including some stuff that might not be so deserving of your love.
Is Your Mind Playing Tricks on You?
Have you ever seen someone and instantly felt attracted to every part of them, including their personality (even though you haven't even talked to them yet)? You might be quick to call it love at first sight, but it's probably what psychologists call the attractiveness halo effect. When you see someone who looks great, your brain sometimes jumps to the conclusion that their personality must be great, too.
We all know that not everyone's looks and personalities match up. Some attractive people are total jerks, and some of the best people in the world aren't what you would neccessarily think of as hot. So the halo effect is really just an illusion. Your sudden feelings of love might go away as soon as you get to know the person better.
Love: More than Just Looks
Everyone's got a different take on what love is, but few people believe that's made out of stuff you can find just by looking at someone. Love (at least if you ask me) is made up of compromise, empathy and patience. You can't give or get those sorts of things at first sight.
That doesn't mean that your initial feelings can't turn into love. When you first see someone, you might instantly know that you want to get close to them and learn about them. As your relationship progresses, those feelings might eventually grow into love. But is "love" really the word for your gut reaction? Not unless your definition of love is kinda superficial.
When Couples "Just Know"
You might meet couples who say that when they saw each other for the first time, they "just knew." What did they really know? Probably that they liked how the other person looked and acted, and that they wanted to take things to the next step and get to know each other better.
If they want to call it "love at first sight," that's okay by me. But keep in mind that there are lots of other couples who get the same feeling when they meet each other, and it ends badly or doesn't go anywhere at all. It's not the first glance that makes it love. It's the stuff that comes later- the commitment and caring that makes a relationship last.
The Danger of Believing Too Strongly in Love at First Sight
You might be wondering why I'm giving love at first sight such a bad rap. It's not that I don't think the idea is sweet, or that I don't love me some romantic movies. But it's wrong to think that if you don't have intense feelings right away, it could never be love. Some of the best and strongest relationships started out in totally unromantic ways.
More importantly, though, the halo effect can be dangerous. If you see someone hot and assume that what you feel is love, you will overlook qualities in them that could end up hurting you. You might let them get away with abusive behavior because your heart has taken over your better judgment.
So, What's the Answer?
Whether or not you want to believe in love at first sight is up to you. Just don't go out there expecting to find it and get upset when you don't. And when you meet someone you instantly swoon over, be aware that there's a whole about them you haven't seen yet- including some stuff that might not be so deserving of your love.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Wouldn't Trade It For The World
Relationships come with a lot of tribulations. We fight, we yell, we get jealous, we cry, we feel pain, we hurt, we scream, we get frustrated, we get angry, we get upset, we break up and our emotions take us over. So why do we do it? Why would we want to feel not just sad, but truly hurt, sad to the point where you whole body hurts just because of one person, sad to the point where you feel empty wheneverything falls apart, sad to the point where your heart aches for the company of that being. I will tell you why I do it, its because besides all those moments when your stupidity gets in the way of what your truly feeling and you "fight", the moments when you are truly loving someone are the most touching, astounding, magnificent moments you will ever experience. When two people are just loving each other its magical. And to those of you who are to scared of getting hurt and too scared of the baggage that comes with relationships, let me tell you think, having someone you love and having them love you back is a feeling that you can not substitute. Having soemoen look at you with such a deep emotion is remarkable. Having someone touch with so much care brings a feeling of weightlessness throughout your whole body. Having someone whisper they love you feels like they screamed it. Having someone to hold your had at all times just feels special. Having someone to be your best friend and be loyal to you and never lie to you feels so safe. So yea, relationships suck, breaking up hurts, but having that someone that lets you insider theirs, someone to talk to at all hours during the day, someone to laugh with, someone to fall asleep with, having somone that is your other half for whatever amount of time you are together, is true beauty and I wouldn't trade it for the world
I'm Falling Out Of Love
I used to wait for you. Days would go by before I got a text or a hello, but I was so elated to finally hear from you that I ignored all the signs. I forgot that I deserve better. I forgot that I actually need someone who's going to uplift and adore me, worship me, love me completely, just as I loved you. But I will never get that from you. I will never get the sweet note or that hug or the awkward hand holding. I will never be able to hold you again, to kiss you and run my fingers along your collar bone; you're simply to cruel. I can't deal with the insensitivity and the cutting jokes. I can't deal with the degrading behavior you're so trapped in. You're sorry? Well that's wonderful, but I don't want apologies.I want a change in behavior, a change in character, and I'm not going to ask taht of you because I know you to well. This is who you are, this is how you are, and I'm not supposed to try and change that. I'm accepting you as you, and moving on.
I'm falling out of love
All These Crazy Rules
So I'm trying pretty hard to be perfect. Perhaps perfect is too strong; mindful, considerate, eager to please, call it what you will.
Don't text too much because it comes across as desperate. Never send two texts in a row for the same reason. No facebook chat everytime he logs on, because that's desperate to, as is "liking" everything he posts, so don't do that either.Remember not to ask when we're seeing each other next because nonchalance is key, right? Don't sound to eager when he suggests doing something in the future, remember, nonchalance. When you're out with other people, don't demand his attention, he's not there just for you. And don't make an issue of him making friends with new girls, that's asking for trouble, you don't want to look jealous and insecure. When he wants to go to sleep before you do, don't latch onto him because you'll seem weak, needy and intense.
All these crazy rules I have made up in my head so you don't see past this facade. I'm not nonchalant, I over-think everything. I can be intense, and I am definitely jealous at times. But in essence, at the crux of all this overanalysation; I am insanely in love with you. I just wish you knew ho far away I am from nonchalance.
Don't text too much because it comes across as desperate. Never send two texts in a row for the same reason. No facebook chat everytime he logs on, because that's desperate to, as is "liking" everything he posts, so don't do that either.Remember not to ask when we're seeing each other next because nonchalance is key, right? Don't sound to eager when he suggests doing something in the future, remember, nonchalance. When you're out with other people, don't demand his attention, he's not there just for you. And don't make an issue of him making friends with new girls, that's asking for trouble, you don't want to look jealous and insecure. When he wants to go to sleep before you do, don't latch onto him because you'll seem weak, needy and intense.
All these crazy rules I have made up in my head so you don't see past this facade. I'm not nonchalant, I over-think everything. I can be intense, and I am definitely jealous at times. But in essence, at the crux of all this overanalysation; I am insanely in love with you. I just wish you knew ho far away I am from nonchalance.
He Sees Me
He sees me. He sees who I am. He sees what others are to busy or to blind to see. He sees me.
When I see problems, he sees the possibilities in them. Solutions where I can only see trouble. And I am thankful for that. A shoulder to lean on. A hand to hold. A person to love. That's him. And I absolutely adore him. Especially his morning smile. And they way he looks at the lifelines in my hands.How he follows them with the tips of his fingers. How it usually tickles. How he says, "your lifelines say that we are forever." And I believe him. No matter what he says. I will believe him. And that is power. That is making yourself so vulnerable that it scares you but you still take the risk. The chance of letting yourself love- and be loved in return.
My butterflies become suicide bombers and throw themselves at the walls of my stomach when I see or hear your name. Which is a good feeling since it is the feeling that I have always associate with love. And that I can still feel it after three years makes me believe in us, believe in that we are forever.
We are forever.
When I see problems, he sees the possibilities in them. Solutions where I can only see trouble. And I am thankful for that. A shoulder to lean on. A hand to hold. A person to love. That's him. And I absolutely adore him. Especially his morning smile. And they way he looks at the lifelines in my hands.How he follows them with the tips of his fingers. How it usually tickles. How he says, "your lifelines say that we are forever." And I believe him. No matter what he says. I will believe him. And that is power. That is making yourself so vulnerable that it scares you but you still take the risk. The chance of letting yourself love- and be loved in return.
My butterflies become suicide bombers and throw themselves at the walls of my stomach when I see or hear your name. Which is a good feeling since it is the feeling that I have always associate with love. And that I can still feel it after three years makes me believe in us, believe in that we are forever.
We are forever.
Optimistic
He doesn't deserve me. I know that, that's what everyone's been telling me for months, and I have known it was true. But now I feel it. I feel it in my heart that I am too good for him. He wasn't any good for me. He hurt me, he rejected me, he made the corners of my soul cave in. He made me happy for such a short time, and even then it was full of ups and downs. And I deserve better than that. I deserve a guy that loves me, that truly knows me fully and completely and is in love with every bit of me. I deserve a guy that always wants to be wtih me and will do anything for me. I deserve a man who makes me happy.
And I believe he exists. I believe now that someday, I will find my perfect match. I haven't been optimistic in months. I have spent so much time alone, dwelling on him, on the one that broke my heart. And I haven't been able to see that this isn't the end. I am young, I have the rest of my life ahead of me. One day, I will find that person and we will fall crazily and madly in love. He exists, and it's okay if I don't find him anytime soon. I'm not going to go out there and search for him. Because you know what? I do believe in soulmates. I believe that everyone has someone made just for them. And today, today I felt that hope inside of me. That I will find my soulmate. Adn that this guy, this stupid guy that broke me is not him. So why am I wasting my life crying over him? From now on, I'm just going to let go. I know I won't completely get over him right away, but I'm not going to spend any more time sitting at home when I could be living my life. I'm letting go of him because I don't need him.
I'm going to live. I'm going to have a love for life. And I'm going to be happy
And I believe he exists. I believe now that someday, I will find my perfect match. I haven't been optimistic in months. I have spent so much time alone, dwelling on him, on the one that broke my heart. And I haven't been able to see that this isn't the end. I am young, I have the rest of my life ahead of me. One day, I will find that person and we will fall crazily and madly in love. He exists, and it's okay if I don't find him anytime soon. I'm not going to go out there and search for him. Because you know what? I do believe in soulmates. I believe that everyone has someone made just for them. And today, today I felt that hope inside of me. That I will find my soulmate. Adn that this guy, this stupid guy that broke me is not him. So why am I wasting my life crying over him? From now on, I'm just going to let go. I know I won't completely get over him right away, but I'm not going to spend any more time sitting at home when I could be living my life. I'm letting go of him because I don't need him.
I'm going to live. I'm going to have a love for life. And I'm going to be happy
I'm Here
I wanted to be the one who was different.
Is there a girl who's known you who has not fallen for you? You're the epitome of the word "heartbreaker." Everything about you draws us in, until finally we're head-over-heels in love with you and -bang!- we realize it's never going to happen. How many girls have been suffering along with me this past year? Laying in their beds in the middle of the night, thinking about you, wondering if whatever little moment they had shared with you that day really meant something, praying you'd talk to them again. You've made pathetic fools out of all of us.
My little moments that I preceived as tenderness, as respect- when you made me dessert, when you tried to convince me to come with words "I'll be there," when you cleaned up my dishes for me and when you called me smart- I remember every single one of them. You're not a naturally affirming person, so I took those as, from you, the ultimate compliments. Especially when you said I fit in with your friends. I know how much they mean to you. Even now, looking back, I can't persuade myself that those things meant nothing. Those are the things that make my heart hurt the most because they're the things that kept me going for so long. But I was wrong. You don't truly respect me. I don't know if you even truly respect anybody in this world. You said it all last night, whether you know it or not. Your face when I walked up, when I smiled at you.
You were talking to someone else, but you looked over, and it was like you were looking at a stranger. You don't even respect me enough to smile at me or say hello. If you knew how much effort that smile took, how many months it took me to get to the place where I could smile at you, maybe you would have at least acknowledged that I had entered the area.
Part of me wants to believe that you do care for me, that you're scared. But I have never been as scared of anything in my whole life as I am of you. Because I wanted you to want me and I knew I wasn't good enough. If you only knew what I have done in the face of my fear. I literally befriended an entirely new group of people for the sole purpose of growing closer to you. For that reason, I don't regret any of the time I spent on you, because of all the things trying to put myself into your life brought into mine. You motivated me to become a better person in every way. But judging by the effort you've expended compared to the effort I expended, I don't even mean half as much to you as you do to me. Or you would try. You would overcome your fear like I overcame mine.
I will never forget when she told me that you were with her all night. That was the night you were supposed to come see me. That was the night I waited up all night for you to show up. And every second I was wishing you were here. And you couldn't even contact me and let me know what was going on. And yet, you were with her up until the very end.
I wanted to be the one who was different. The one for whom it was more than a crush. The one you chose in the end, instead I'm the one who got my heart broken every day for the longest time. And in the end, I am the same as everyone else. In then end, I didn't get you. And yet, unlike all the others, you can't even extend me the courtesy of being my friend.
And yet I didn't give up on you because you are difficult, like everyone else did. Your difficultness is one of the things I like best about you. It's just that I can't do much else. I can continue to try to conquer my fear, be your friend, gain your respect. In the end, that's all I really wanted, because I respect you more than anyone, and if you don't respect me, what does that say about me? But at some point, you have to show me that you care about me too. I am done with crying on the way home from every day we spend together.
I try to tell myself that it's your loss, and it is. But it's my loss too. I have never believe that I had nothing to lose, because even though I didn't have you, I truly believed I had our future together. I never wanted to lose that. But I think I have. And you have too.
I am the only person who thinks it's hillarious how rude you are, because I know you don't mean it. I am the only person who never, ever gets sick of you. It's not that I was willing to be a doormat and put up with your crap. It's that I loved all of you, event he parts everyone else hated, and I could see through them to what you really are. So I'm sorry I don't have the magical combination of qualities it takes to make a girl worth it to you. I hope when you find one who does, she accepts you as much as I do. Until further notice, I am here if you decide to shape up. But I am done with living my life making you the number one priority when you barely even consider me an option.
Is there a girl who's known you who has not fallen for you? You're the epitome of the word "heartbreaker." Everything about you draws us in, until finally we're head-over-heels in love with you and -bang!- we realize it's never going to happen. How many girls have been suffering along with me this past year? Laying in their beds in the middle of the night, thinking about you, wondering if whatever little moment they had shared with you that day really meant something, praying you'd talk to them again. You've made pathetic fools out of all of us.
My little moments that I preceived as tenderness, as respect- when you made me dessert, when you tried to convince me to come with words "I'll be there," when you cleaned up my dishes for me and when you called me smart- I remember every single one of them. You're not a naturally affirming person, so I took those as, from you, the ultimate compliments. Especially when you said I fit in with your friends. I know how much they mean to you. Even now, looking back, I can't persuade myself that those things meant nothing. Those are the things that make my heart hurt the most because they're the things that kept me going for so long. But I was wrong. You don't truly respect me. I don't know if you even truly respect anybody in this world. You said it all last night, whether you know it or not. Your face when I walked up, when I smiled at you.
You were talking to someone else, but you looked over, and it was like you were looking at a stranger. You don't even respect me enough to smile at me or say hello. If you knew how much effort that smile took, how many months it took me to get to the place where I could smile at you, maybe you would have at least acknowledged that I had entered the area.
Part of me wants to believe that you do care for me, that you're scared. But I have never been as scared of anything in my whole life as I am of you. Because I wanted you to want me and I knew I wasn't good enough. If you only knew what I have done in the face of my fear. I literally befriended an entirely new group of people for the sole purpose of growing closer to you. For that reason, I don't regret any of the time I spent on you, because of all the things trying to put myself into your life brought into mine. You motivated me to become a better person in every way. But judging by the effort you've expended compared to the effort I expended, I don't even mean half as much to you as you do to me. Or you would try. You would overcome your fear like I overcame mine.
I will never forget when she told me that you were with her all night. That was the night you were supposed to come see me. That was the night I waited up all night for you to show up. And every second I was wishing you were here. And you couldn't even contact me and let me know what was going on. And yet, you were with her up until the very end.
I wanted to be the one who was different. The one for whom it was more than a crush. The one you chose in the end, instead I'm the one who got my heart broken every day for the longest time. And in the end, I am the same as everyone else. In then end, I didn't get you. And yet, unlike all the others, you can't even extend me the courtesy of being my friend.
And yet I didn't give up on you because you are difficult, like everyone else did. Your difficultness is one of the things I like best about you. It's just that I can't do much else. I can continue to try to conquer my fear, be your friend, gain your respect. In the end, that's all I really wanted, because I respect you more than anyone, and if you don't respect me, what does that say about me? But at some point, you have to show me that you care about me too. I am done with crying on the way home from every day we spend together.
I try to tell myself that it's your loss, and it is. But it's my loss too. I have never believe that I had nothing to lose, because even though I didn't have you, I truly believed I had our future together. I never wanted to lose that. But I think I have. And you have too.
I am the only person who thinks it's hillarious how rude you are, because I know you don't mean it. I am the only person who never, ever gets sick of you. It's not that I was willing to be a doormat and put up with your crap. It's that I loved all of you, event he parts everyone else hated, and I could see through them to what you really are. So I'm sorry I don't have the magical combination of qualities it takes to make a girl worth it to you. I hope when you find one who does, she accepts you as much as I do. Until further notice, I am here if you decide to shape up. But I am done with living my life making you the number one priority when you barely even consider me an option.
Not Because I Deserve Better
I broke up with you today. I broke up with you after three years together. Three years that to me didn't mean so mcuh. I thought it would be an easy breakup. I would explain that my feelings had simply gone away; it had nothing to do with you. That was the truth. It had nothing to do with you. It never had.
See, you were the guy who was there to make me feel loved. Sure, you were smart, you truly cared about me and you were always there. But hey, you weren't that funny. You didn't dress very well. And you weren't all that good looking. For me, there was no spark. I wanted that spark. I deserved that spark.
So I simply told you, I told you that my feelings for you had gone away. I somehow forgot to mention that I never really had feelings for you. You broke down in tears. You told me that you understood. You told me that you'd probably keep loving me for a while. And that I would have to let you do that. I didn't know what else to do, than wrap my arms around you and bury my face in your t-shirt. It smelled like you. Oh right. You smelled good too.
Then you told me you really wanted to be friends. I had been your life the past three years, and you didn't know how to go on living without me. I told you I really wanted that too. That I promised to never let you slip out of my life. You let out a sigh of relief and told me how absolutely perfect I was and how much you appreciated your time with me.
That night I sat alone in my bed and cried. Cried because I realized that I had the perfect guy in my life. The perfect guy who I not only didn't have feelings for, but had fooled to believe that I had. And so I realized that breaking up with you was the right thing to do. Not because I deserve better. Because you do.
See, you were the guy who was there to make me feel loved. Sure, you were smart, you truly cared about me and you were always there. But hey, you weren't that funny. You didn't dress very well. And you weren't all that good looking. For me, there was no spark. I wanted that spark. I deserved that spark.
So I simply told you, I told you that my feelings for you had gone away. I somehow forgot to mention that I never really had feelings for you. You broke down in tears. You told me that you understood. You told me that you'd probably keep loving me for a while. And that I would have to let you do that. I didn't know what else to do, than wrap my arms around you and bury my face in your t-shirt. It smelled like you. Oh right. You smelled good too.
Then you told me you really wanted to be friends. I had been your life the past three years, and you didn't know how to go on living without me. I told you I really wanted that too. That I promised to never let you slip out of my life. You let out a sigh of relief and told me how absolutely perfect I was and how much you appreciated your time with me.
That night I sat alone in my bed and cried. Cried because I realized that I had the perfect guy in my life. The perfect guy who I not only didn't have feelings for, but had fooled to believe that I had. And so I realized that breaking up with you was the right thing to do. Not because I deserve better. Because you do.
When The Time Is Right It Will Happen
Realizations of love and general inspiring thoughts:
I just wanted to say I think the best people in life are the ones that get brokenhearted, time and time again and can still open their hearts to love after the exasperating pain of heart break. Those are the best kinds of people in life. The ability to love anything and anyone is a gift. And anyone who hasn't found love yet should not fear, because it's fear that drives you to insanity and worry. But its hope that sends you to belief and opens your heart again to love and for love. And once you have found it, and really found it, love will never let you down. It will be faithful and kind. Love will be beautiful and unpredictable. And even though I haven't found it, I feel all these things for it. I don't know why and I don't know how, but I can tell you I really do believe in love.
I just wanted to say that to anyone who is going through something right now, because I am in a state of heart broken heartedness, and over my best friend that I have loved to the core of my soul for about 3 years of my life. But unfortunately he doesn't feel the same. He wants to find something better I presume and I am not that. I have sometimes felt unworthy of love and inadequate, almost useless. But one day I am going to get over it and I am going to find love and love will find me back. And to those who are broken, it may not seem like it now, but take me for example with such an emotional attachment like mine it cannot be overcome in a day. But I know it's going to happen for me.
I know this sounds like a motivational talk for everyone but I was just feeling inspired. I jsut wanted to get one of the nice things I was feeling about love off my chest. But of course I am angry, hurt and frustrated sometimes. That's a natural emotion, just know you should be all driven to smile and be happy witht he thought of the hope of love.
And to those who have found love, be happy. Don't let go, hold on tight, because he or she is a keeper. And be inspired by that love, because people like myself who long to find "the one" envy you and can't wait to be in your position. But I say to myself everyday when the time is right it will happen. And it will. I believe in love, do you?
I just wanted to say I think the best people in life are the ones that get brokenhearted, time and time again and can still open their hearts to love after the exasperating pain of heart break. Those are the best kinds of people in life. The ability to love anything and anyone is a gift. And anyone who hasn't found love yet should not fear, because it's fear that drives you to insanity and worry. But its hope that sends you to belief and opens your heart again to love and for love. And once you have found it, and really found it, love will never let you down. It will be faithful and kind. Love will be beautiful and unpredictable. And even though I haven't found it, I feel all these things for it. I don't know why and I don't know how, but I can tell you I really do believe in love.
I just wanted to say that to anyone who is going through something right now, because I am in a state of heart broken heartedness, and over my best friend that I have loved to the core of my soul for about 3 years of my life. But unfortunately he doesn't feel the same. He wants to find something better I presume and I am not that. I have sometimes felt unworthy of love and inadequate, almost useless. But one day I am going to get over it and I am going to find love and love will find me back. And to those who are broken, it may not seem like it now, but take me for example with such an emotional attachment like mine it cannot be overcome in a day. But I know it's going to happen for me.
I know this sounds like a motivational talk for everyone but I was just feeling inspired. I jsut wanted to get one of the nice things I was feeling about love off my chest. But of course I am angry, hurt and frustrated sometimes. That's a natural emotion, just know you should be all driven to smile and be happy witht he thought of the hope of love.
And to those who have found love, be happy. Don't let go, hold on tight, because he or she is a keeper. And be inspired by that love, because people like myself who long to find "the one" envy you and can't wait to be in your position. But I say to myself everyday when the time is right it will happen. And it will. I believe in love, do you?
How To Love Again
Once your heart has been broken, it can be very difficult to love again. Some people never move past a broken heart. However, you can learn to love again, even after being emotionally wounded by a failed relationship or a lost love. To deprive yourself of love is to miss out on one of life's biggest blessings. Here is how to love again.
Step One: Grieve your losses. Before you will be ready to love again, you need to heal the pain that your lost love has inflicted. Whether you lost your love through a failed relationship or the death of a loved one, your lost love left emotional wounds. Grieve your losses so you will free yourself to love again.
Step Two: Recognize the need to love again. Loving others is one of the most basic needs of human existence. Without love, life is meaningless. While you might need to take some time to lick your emotional woulds, closing off your heart to love will make your life seem empty.
Step Three: Decide that loving again is worth the risk. While you are still in the grieving process, your heart might feel too fragile to take the risk of loving again. However, as you grieve your loss and become more emotionally healthy, you will move towards being ready to open up your heart.
Step Four: Love yourself. The more you love yourself, the more likely you are to attract a person who is emotionally healthy. If you go otu looking for love to fill a hole in your heart, then you are much more likely to attract someone who wants to take advantage of you. However, if you come from the perspective of having lots of love to give, then you will attract a similar person.
Step Five: Think about what you want in a new relationship. Set a standard for what you are seeking in a new relationship. Make it a point to progress in this relationship, and don't fall into old patterns just because they are comfortable.
Step Six: Let the love come to you. Don't go out looking for the perfect person in places where singles congregate. Instead, get involved in activities which you enjoy that bring you into contact with people who have the same interests. Whether you do this through a church, a bowling league or a city event, get involved in your community in a positive manner.
Step Seven: Ease into a new relationship slowly. Do not try to replace the lost relationship. Instead, allow a new one to grow and blossom in its own way.
Step One: Grieve your losses. Before you will be ready to love again, you need to heal the pain that your lost love has inflicted. Whether you lost your love through a failed relationship or the death of a loved one, your lost love left emotional wounds. Grieve your losses so you will free yourself to love again.
Step Two: Recognize the need to love again. Loving others is one of the most basic needs of human existence. Without love, life is meaningless. While you might need to take some time to lick your emotional woulds, closing off your heart to love will make your life seem empty.
Step Three: Decide that loving again is worth the risk. While you are still in the grieving process, your heart might feel too fragile to take the risk of loving again. However, as you grieve your loss and become more emotionally healthy, you will move towards being ready to open up your heart.
Step Four: Love yourself. The more you love yourself, the more likely you are to attract a person who is emotionally healthy. If you go otu looking for love to fill a hole in your heart, then you are much more likely to attract someone who wants to take advantage of you. However, if you come from the perspective of having lots of love to give, then you will attract a similar person.
Step Five: Think about what you want in a new relationship. Set a standard for what you are seeking in a new relationship. Make it a point to progress in this relationship, and don't fall into old patterns just because they are comfortable.
Step Six: Let the love come to you. Don't go out looking for the perfect person in places where singles congregate. Instead, get involved in activities which you enjoy that bring you into contact with people who have the same interests. Whether you do this through a church, a bowling league or a city event, get involved in your community in a positive manner.
Step Seven: Ease into a new relationship slowly. Do not try to replace the lost relationship. Instead, allow a new one to grow and blossom in its own way.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Don't Let Go Of Me Now
Love is something I have been cautious of. You know this, because you were there when he broke my heart. It had been coming for a while, but that night my world shattered. You saved me. I lost myself in you quickly, you were everything I needed. You never pressured me, and you kissed me in ways he hadn't ever done. You knew where I was coming from, because you had done it to her.
Love is not something I was looking for. I just needed an escape, but falling asleep in your arms night after night and your perfect smile caught me off guard. We were never too serious, but we were each others. We needed each other to mend. And so we did.
You left, and I went to discover myself. Somehow, we never stopped being each other's. Somewhere along the way, we fell in love. Now we hang in limbo. The way I need you never seems to fade, but yours comes and goes like the wind. You tell me you love me, and then you fight with your heart to keep yourself away. Of course it isn't easy, but we have always made it work. We are both hanging on for the time in our lives where we end up in the same place. We both know it's going to be worth it.
So whatever you do, just don't let go of me now.
Love is not something I was looking for. I just needed an escape, but falling asleep in your arms night after night and your perfect smile caught me off guard. We were never too serious, but we were each others. We needed each other to mend. And so we did.
You left, and I went to discover myself. Somehow, we never stopped being each other's. Somewhere along the way, we fell in love. Now we hang in limbo. The way I need you never seems to fade, but yours comes and goes like the wind. You tell me you love me, and then you fight with your heart to keep yourself away. Of course it isn't easy, but we have always made it work. We are both hanging on for the time in our lives where we end up in the same place. We both know it's going to be worth it.
So whatever you do, just don't let go of me now.
Prisoner of the Moment
"This is a story of boy meets girl. But you should know upfront, this is not a love story."- 500 Days of Summer
It's true. My story is not a love story. But this represents what I yearn more than every to be, "a prisoner of the moment."
I met boy less than two months ago. And it only took me one to fall in love with him. He was handsome, adventurous, intelligent, and could throw sarcastic remarks back as quickly as I could dish them. I wanted to spend all of my time with him. Just thinking about him made my face burst into a smile. He was exciting, and I couldn't get enough. But after only three weeks, it ended. He was still in love with his ex girlfriend, and I would forever not be her. It burned at first. I cried. A lot. I thought about all the things we had done together and all the future plans that would never be.
But as quickly as I had fallen for him, I had bounced back.Three weeks of love meant our relationship was only a glitch in time. But it fit perfectly. I wish to be someone that goes whole heartedly for what I want, disregarding the consequences. And in this situation, this is exactly what I had done. I had many warnings from friends, telling me I was setting myself up to get hurt. Which I did. But, without that risk, I never would have been able to feel that fire. Three weeks of pure happiness was worth the sadness. Being a "prisoner of the moment" means that I lead with my wants and not my rationalities. I go based off instinct, not thinking too far into the future. With boy, I dove in completely and tried to suppress all other thought, the scream telling me to protect myself and back out. I was hurt in the end, but life is too short to care. I can only hope I find this passion again, and that it doesn't burn out quite so quickly
My Feelings Won't Change
The message I sent to my lover when he ended things telling me he all of a sudden had no time for our relationship. There's so much left unsaid that it's got to a point where I am a mess. I can't keep trying.
I won't lie; I still how you will call and probably won't move on until you do. I am confused that you were just going to leave it though you know what I am feeling. Being openly emotional isn't something I do, so you know I am really trying. We have both had unsuccessful relationships and it kills that you won't give us a chance. I just wanted to be there for you. No drama, just me and you. Despite what you have going on, I would support you and not cause stress on you. You say your life has a schedule, I could have worked with that. All I wanted was your time, however much or little. I need you to know that I would have been different. No lies, control, cheating or games.
Think of the time we spent together. You know we would have been good for each other. You made me feel things I had never felt before then took it away as if it was nothing. As if I was nothing. No explanation. Imagine how that feels. I don't know if its because of what happened or because you truly don't want someone right now, but you will soon enough, we all do and I am here. Still wanting you just the way we were. If you felt everything you said you did you could balance it. But I can't force that. You have your reasons. I just wish you didn't. You mean so much to me and you can't tell giving up on us makes you happy. I meant it when I said I loved you. We had something. Maybe it's over. Maybe you need time. Either way my feelings won't change.
Stop Taking From Me
Beyond madness....beyond being angry and expressing emotion in a healthy way....I'm talking about the person that you never know when or how severely they will blow.
When you live with someone of this nature, it affects everyone. We learned to not speak our minds, we learned to not tell the truth, and our thinking became distorted from never knowing exactly what it would be to ignite the flame. We lived instilled with fear.
It's the holidays and I'm eternally grateful I do not live in daily contact with such irrational behavior. But it's also the holidays that bring back the fact that as a single mother things have never been the same during these times either. Each year following the dissolution of that long term relationship, I've had the greatest inner strength and determination to make it through.
Over the last few years, I have done a lot of healing and addressing the effects of that relationship. In fact, if anything, my pendulum has swung as far in the opposite direction as possible. I tell the truth even if it hurts. I know now I am not responsible for the other person's reaction. I've become too independent for my own good, I think. And I refuse to live between someone's guidelines of what they believe is acceptable.
Anger is a thief ...... it not only robs the angered one of himself but it steals from those who try to live with the angry. Sometimes, as I have recently, I sit and think...what the hell was wrong with me? And how in the world did I live in such an atmosphere for the amount of time I did. It baffles me. But yet, now, when I hear stories of abuse and fear and why someone would stay....I understand how it happens. That's not to say that I understand the mental process that goes on within us to not realize just how disturbingly wrong it is.
Obviously after a number of years there is no such hope that the person will just change without the help of a professional. And so, rationally, how long can one withstand such behavior? Why not bail at the first, second, or tenth occurrence? Why not bail after one, two, or ten years? The strange thing is, I can never recall ever thinking of leaving. He, on the other hand, ran off in anger every other few days in the end. Only in hindsight can I tell you that anger is definitely progressive. However, slow and subtle it may grow....it will get worse and it will reach greater heights of abuse.
And it was at that point, something clicked. Instantly, the end came and I checked out. With each passing year since, more and more clarity has come. And with that clarity becomes self anger. Yes, strange, right? Wasted years, wasted time, unhealthy emotional trauma....yes, I'm mad at me. I'm angry for trying, I'm angry for exposing myself for so long to another's anger, I'm angry I exposed my daughter to the unhealthiness of it all, I'm angry I wasted so many years, I'm angry I've had to spend so much time healing from it, I'm angry I'm where I am in life because of it, and I'm angry that holidays are not the same for any of us.
And I'm mostly angry that I am letting it take something from me…
When you live with someone of this nature, it affects everyone. We learned to not speak our minds, we learned to not tell the truth, and our thinking became distorted from never knowing exactly what it would be to ignite the flame. We lived instilled with fear.
It's the holidays and I'm eternally grateful I do not live in daily contact with such irrational behavior. But it's also the holidays that bring back the fact that as a single mother things have never been the same during these times either. Each year following the dissolution of that long term relationship, I've had the greatest inner strength and determination to make it through.
Over the last few years, I have done a lot of healing and addressing the effects of that relationship. In fact, if anything, my pendulum has swung as far in the opposite direction as possible. I tell the truth even if it hurts. I know now I am not responsible for the other person's reaction. I've become too independent for my own good, I think. And I refuse to live between someone's guidelines of what they believe is acceptable.
Anger is a thief ...... it not only robs the angered one of himself but it steals from those who try to live with the angry. Sometimes, as I have recently, I sit and think...what the hell was wrong with me? And how in the world did I live in such an atmosphere for the amount of time I did. It baffles me. But yet, now, when I hear stories of abuse and fear and why someone would stay....I understand how it happens. That's not to say that I understand the mental process that goes on within us to not realize just how disturbingly wrong it is.
Obviously after a number of years there is no such hope that the person will just change without the help of a professional. And so, rationally, how long can one withstand such behavior? Why not bail at the first, second, or tenth occurrence? Why not bail after one, two, or ten years? The strange thing is, I can never recall ever thinking of leaving. He, on the other hand, ran off in anger every other few days in the end. Only in hindsight can I tell you that anger is definitely progressive. However, slow and subtle it may grow....it will get worse and it will reach greater heights of abuse.
And it was at that point, something clicked. Instantly, the end came and I checked out. With each passing year since, more and more clarity has come. And with that clarity becomes self anger. Yes, strange, right? Wasted years, wasted time, unhealthy emotional trauma....yes, I'm mad at me. I'm angry for trying, I'm angry for exposing myself for so long to another's anger, I'm angry I exposed my daughter to the unhealthiness of it all, I'm angry I wasted so many years, I'm angry I've had to spend so much time healing from it, I'm angry I'm where I am in life because of it, and I'm angry that holidays are not the same for any of us.
And I'm mostly angry that I am letting it take something from me…
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