Where Do You Draw Your Strength From

Some people might say money, job, family, friends or God. I was asked this question from someone I was close to and it has me thinking a lot. Sometimes life can cause one to wonder "what is going on?" Nothing ever seems to go right and when I seek help, there is no one to help.

I, myself have been through a lot in the past and there are still things that are happening that are out of my control. With all the troubles that come in my life, it is God who I draw my strength from. I think there is an importance of knowing where we draw our strength. We should look to God as our source of strength. God can bring others into our life to encourage us, but when there is no one else, God will always be our strength. No matter what you go through, look to Him, who is a Comforter.

Bible Verses:

Psalms 28:7  The LORD is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him

Psalms 18:2  The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my delieverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower

2 Samuel 22:33  God is my strength and power: and he maketh my way perfect

Psalms 27:1  The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

Psalms 46:1  God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.

Anger

Anger is one of the most misunderstood and overused of human emotions. Anger is a reaction to an inner emotion and not a planned action. Anger is easier to show; everyone gets angry. The feelings underlying the anger reaction makes us feel vulnerable and weak; anger makes us feel, momentarily, strong and in control. Angry behaviors are learned over the life-span and therefore can be unlearned and replaced with healthier patterns of coping. Anger can be an immediate reaction to an isolated event or it can be a response after numerous events.


To repress anger is unhealthy and yet to express it impulsively as we so often do, may give momentarily relief but inevitably will carry negative consequences. To alter our angry responses, we need to understand from where it comes. There are a variety of factors taht increase the probability of an anger reaction. If we have seen our parents get angry first and resolve an issue after, we are more than likely to use the same approach. Because of this, types of anger are learned. If we are frustrated and feel stressed, we are more than likely to react with anger. If we are tired, we can react in an angry fashion. If we tend to hold our feelings inside rather than talking them out. We are more than likely to have an angry outburst as the pressure increases.

An anger checklist, how is your anger? And answer these honestly. People always are saying you need to calm down? You feel tense most of the time? When you are upset you try and block the world out? You abuse substances (ie. alcohol, drugs) to calm you down? You have trouble going to sleep? You feel misunderstood or not listened to much of the time? People ask you not to yell or curse so much? Your loved ones are saying you are hurting them? Friends are avoiding you?

Anger reactions have been compared to a train running out of control and about to derail. A little anger can motivate us to take action in positive ways. A lot of anger will make us "red with rage." The price for anger that is out of control, you will end up driving away those whom we loev the most and endanger our normal existence.


Don't be afraid to ask for help. As a victim of domestic violence I am hoping that the ones who read this and know people who have some of the questions on the checklist are getting the help they need. We need to cut down on the domestic violence

Risk

"Cinderella walked on broken glass, Sleeping beauty let her whole life pass by, Belle fell in love with a beast, Pocahontas risked her life for a feast, Jasmine could have had anyone but she chose a poor man, and Ariel, she walked on land."

So many people dislike fairytales because it makes us believe in love, believe that a prince will swoop down and save us when something goes wrong. But I’ve come to realise that in every fairytale-like movie, every girl took a risk. Took a risk for love, took a risk in the name of love.

So, how do we know if our own fairytale won’t really happen if we don’t try, if we stop believing in love?
I know it’s hard for some of you to put down their guard and to learn to trust someone else sometimes. I know because I’ve been through it. People like us, we distance ourselves from people we genuinely like just because we are afraid to get hurt. But does building up these walls ultimately saves us from hurting?
It doesn’t.

We’ve got to know that these people, the people we are blocking out because of our own insecurities, will leave someday too. Leave for something better. Everyone will cause you pain and hurt and tears, but you have to decide who’s worth it. And when you make that decision, happiness will come to you.

I Will Always Love You

I am writing you this letter because I can't do this anymore. I love you so much. I miss you everyday. I have been wondering if you have been thinking about me... will you ever want me again? Will you ever love me again like you did? These are questions I ask myself over and over again, but they're questions that will never be answered at this point. I can't keep wondering anymore.

I know I am doing it myself, I have been for far too long. Even though the thought of not speaking to you scares me, I have to do it for myself. I can't be your friend and act like I'm okay when I'm not just for the sake of still having you in my life. You used to tell me you would never get over me, that you could see yourself with me for a very long time. If those feelings were strong and true then they must still be in you and maybe one day you will be able to express them again. But I have to stop thinking about how it was with you because it's gone.

I feel like a fool for holding on this long. Am I a fool? Or a person who is just truly in love? I have to let you go honey, I have been avoiding this for some time and I know I could probably keep it up for a long time but I need to be strong and take this stand. Thank you for being one of the greatest things that came into my life. Thank you for teaching me so much about myself. Thank you for loving me unconditionally.

I can never hate you because I know that everything you did was out of love, but I hate that it had to end. I even hate that I can't wish or hope you will come back to me anymore. Talking to you and seeing you will just set me back no matter how much I tell myself it won't. I miss you so much and I always will.
I hope you accomplish every goal you set for yourself. I hope you figure out everthing you were unsure about, and I hope above all that you are happy. I wish I could be there to see it all happen. But the reality is, you left me and now its time for me to let go.

I will always love you.

Because in love you deserve to be a priority

I've done a lot of thinking lately. The thinking that only occurs when you're pressed between bedsheets and the clock is staring back at you in bright red 3am's and your mind is playing a constant loop of memories you'd rather forget.

Let's face it: My love life is pretty much a giant shit show. I've had my heart ripped out of my chest one too many times at the young age of 28. It's a mix of youthful idealism and hope and a desperate desire to believe in someone against all odds. It's the lure of breathing in a familiar smell while tucked in the arms of someone you've silently loved for years, even though better judgment says he'll hurt you again.

I know that life is not a romantic comedy, but I guess I've still kind of fallen into the idea that maybe sometimes things are meant to be. I've learned a few things though. I constantly see couples breaking up, talking shit and then getting back together - an ebb and flow that they come to accept as normal. I guess on a grand scale I'm guilty of this, but recent events have taught me a very important lesson: the person who is really great for you, the person who brings out the best in you, your partner in crime? That person is not going to second guess your relationship until it's lost all meaning. That person is not going to rip your heart out of your chest even one time, and he certainly won't do it twice. And that person shouldn't make you an option, because in love you deserve to be a priority.

I might still fall silent when I stumble across old pictures. I might stay up until early morning hours to avoid thinking myself to death while trying to fall asleep. And, yeah, I might still ache to hear a confession of remorse.

But I'm not going to waste my time on someone who isn't great for me. Settling for familiarity is bullshit. As hard as it is, I'm going to move on. One day, I'll find someone capable of keeping my heart safe when I hand over the key and say, "Hey, don't fuck this up."

A Large Space In My Thoughts

Why can't I stop thinking about you? It was such a mistake. All of it... an all consuming error in judgement that had me captivated and mesmerized by the situation. A good woman to the core, this was far beyond the everyday workings of such a responsible and trustworthy person like myself. Would it be corny to say, "you had me at hello?" Because you did, I was drawn to you like a drug and from the first night that we spent together I was hooked.

You were the perfect escape and release from the mundane aspects of reality. I would daydream about you and smile when I saw your name flash up on my phone; I would go back to the first time I met you, hoping to see you. It started out so innocent, the standard steps of a growing romance but then you broke my heart and made me become the other woman and in doing so you forced me to defy all the written rules of sisterhood and common decency.

With this new information I tried to stay away from you and to be mature about what had happened and ignore the fact that you had used me, the fact that you had taken advantage of my naivety and my openess. But you were everywhere I looked, everywhere I went and you would reel me back in with empty promises and sweet talkings.

You would tell me how beautiful I was and how you thought I was one of the most fascinating people you had ever met and so we went around in pointless and painful circles. You would hurt me and I would let you. You had even somehow let me believe this was my idea and you were going along for the ride. To this day, I still dont know if you were right. Was it my fault? Could I have done more to prevent this? I shall spend years contemplating this. But because of you, I have grown- you took away my innocence and left me damaged.

Things have been over for years, but you still obtain such a large space in my thoughts and I need closure, a concluding end to this chapter in my life that will always make me feel shame. So this is it. This is me saying goodbye to you, and that I will soon be the person I was once again. This is also me saying sorry, sorry that I let you hurt me, it won't happen again.

Reaching In The Dark

It's so strange. Yes, I know it's not the first time this has been discussed. and this one, when it really comes down to it, will be no different from the others. But its another one of those times when this little part of my life that I have controlled so it won’t consume me, starts bubbling up again. I don’t know why, little things start it, get me thinking again. why, am I, an almost 28 year old girl, incapable of romantic love? Its quite embarrassing to think or talk about.. almost laughable at how pathetic that seems. If my story were told to a random stranger I’m sure they would think the reason would be that I am some dirty-faced, antisocial, impersonable, loner. I'll have you know, I am none of those things. I have friends, great friends; the majority of which are in healthy normal relationships. I however, am not.

I'm not saying I am not loved, because I really am - but not that way. Not in the way that is different from anything else and can make you feel the way that nothing else can. I wonder what it’s like to know you are loved that way. It fascinates me because it is completely foreign to me. Its like imagining what it would feel like to be weightless in a rocketship on its way to the moon. Unfathomable until you actually experience it. And, for one reason or another, it seems as though I am not cut out to be an astronaut.

People want me, but not enough. Not enough to take it past the initial thrill of it. And I know how it works, oh I’ve seen it hundreds of times. Heard it, watched it.. just not in the first person that's all. Its always looking behind glass windows, doors, at the others who have found it. And even though sometimes its fleeting, short-lived, its still real. I wonder about the day when I will be the one people are watching.

I have all of these things I want to do before I die; ride in a hot air balloon, learn to play guitar, see the statue of liberty, silly things like that. But more than any of those things, I would like to experience the feeling of being completely and utterly loved. In a way that not your parents, your best friend nor your sister loves you. But the love you get from someone that you feel the same about. Maybe thats the silliest of all, but to me it is the most important.

I don’t know. I really truly don’t know, as I’ve said a thousand times before and will probably continue saying until I get my answer - if I get an answer. Sometimes it seems as though I'm reaching in the dark, for something I know must be there but its just so hard to find.

I still hold on to a tiny thread of hope that one day it’ll hit me over the head and I’ll just stand there baffled and realize I’ve finally found what I’ve been looking for, for as long as I can remember. But I also keep my head just below the clouds because the only thing worse for me than never finding what you’ve been looking for would be to constantly wait for it when it will never come.

Anyway, to all the people who have found it, my hat is off to you. I hope you know how lucky you are to be experiencing one of the most amazing things in the world, I’m sure you do. and as for me, I will continue on with my life, doing the things I love, that feel right, and hope for the best. They say the best way to find love is by doing what you love, and I suppose I’m trying my best to do that right now. So maybe.. maybe, one day everything will fall into place. And if not, I’ll at least have the things I truly love to keep me occupied.