To the one that holds my heart,
This is going to sound so very cliche, but if you break my heart, I will run you over with my car. Now I’m pretty sure you have no idea what I am capable of, but trust me I know all about you. You see, I have many friends, in many places. Since you have not received any threats yet, I guess you’re an alright guy.
But here’s a couple tips for you, always text me back, I get really frustrated if you don’t. Don’t ever hang up on me without saying good-bye first, I gets really pissed off. I have certain days where she has to watch her shows like Biggest Loser and Law and Order SVU, make sure you don’t plan anything on those days. Surprise me, I like them. I'm only ticklish in some spots and sometimes not ticklish at all. I am a fighter. And if I'm writing, either you’re in really big trouble or you’re making me happy.
And when you hug me, remember that you are hugging the most beautiful girl in the world and that you should always hug me back tighter. If you argue with her, argue back. But give in to me sometimes cause I can be a real bitch when I want to be. Don’t hurt me, that will be the worst thing that you will ever do.
You have no idea how lucky you are to call me yours. So cherish it. You have the honor of holding my hand. You have the privilege to kiss me when you want. You have the ability to make me happy. I'm not just another girl, I'm that girl that can make you the happiest person ever if you give me the chance. I'm worth everything. Everything. Take care of me.
Sincerely,
The one who can lose me
Sunday, June 12, 2011
I Pushed You Away
Today I woke up, and I felt empty inside. This isn’t the first time this has happened recently, in fact for the past two months this is how I’ve been feeling every day. I keep trying to pinpoint what is making me feel this way, blaming it on the fact that I hate my job. Then blaming stress, and then blaming anything I could that wasn’t the truth. However the fact of the matter is, I’m feeling empty because the person that I love is miles away.
We met in the strangest way, and our time together was simple and yet so incredible. The first few months that we spent together were some of the happiest months of my life. Every time you came to visit me, I felt a kind of happiness that I can’t even explain; and every time you left I counted down the days until I would see you again. I fell for you after only knowing you for a few days, and after that I just continued to fall. I loved the simple text messages you would send me every morning, telling me how beautiful I was and how much you missed me. I loved the way you smelled, I loved your tattoos, and I loved your smile. I loved the way you looked at me. You were everything to me, the person who brought me back to life after I had thought my days of loving another were over.
I was so happy that it seemed like nothing could bring me down, but a fear that I knew all too well was creeping up on me, as it had done with all of my past relationships. I was now so afraid of what life would be like without you that I convinced myself that everything would be easier if I ended our relationship before I began to rely on you too much. I pushed you away. I let you go. Now I don’t think I will ever forgive myself.
Time passed, and we stayed in touch. We often made plans to reunite, but of course that never worked out. Before I knew it you were talking about leaving, moving even further away. I told myself that this would be for the best, that I could finally get over you. The funny thing is, now my love for you is even stronger. The guys that I date seem dull, and this makes me miss you even more. These guys can’t make me laugh the way you did, the sight of them doesn’t make me feel like the happiest girl in the world. This is how you made me feel every time I saw you.
We now talk more than we ever did, and everyday I think about telling you all of this. I’ve come to realize that my life here is nothing without you. But if your feelings for me are long gone, I don’t think I could handle hearing you tell me this. It would kill me. So, I’m stuck. I will continue to wake up every day feeling empty and I will carry on with my day-to-day life, until maybe, just maybe, you decide to tell me that I’m not alone in this and that you too have felt empty since we’ve been apart.
We met in the strangest way, and our time together was simple and yet so incredible. The first few months that we spent together were some of the happiest months of my life. Every time you came to visit me, I felt a kind of happiness that I can’t even explain; and every time you left I counted down the days until I would see you again. I fell for you after only knowing you for a few days, and after that I just continued to fall. I loved the simple text messages you would send me every morning, telling me how beautiful I was and how much you missed me. I loved the way you smelled, I loved your tattoos, and I loved your smile. I loved the way you looked at me. You were everything to me, the person who brought me back to life after I had thought my days of loving another were over.
I was so happy that it seemed like nothing could bring me down, but a fear that I knew all too well was creeping up on me, as it had done with all of my past relationships. I was now so afraid of what life would be like without you that I convinced myself that everything would be easier if I ended our relationship before I began to rely on you too much. I pushed you away. I let you go. Now I don’t think I will ever forgive myself.
Time passed, and we stayed in touch. We often made plans to reunite, but of course that never worked out. Before I knew it you were talking about leaving, moving even further away. I told myself that this would be for the best, that I could finally get over you. The funny thing is, now my love for you is even stronger. The guys that I date seem dull, and this makes me miss you even more. These guys can’t make me laugh the way you did, the sight of them doesn’t make me feel like the happiest girl in the world. This is how you made me feel every time I saw you.
We now talk more than we ever did, and everyday I think about telling you all of this. I’ve come to realize that my life here is nothing without you. But if your feelings for me are long gone, I don’t think I could handle hearing you tell me this. It would kill me. So, I’m stuck. I will continue to wake up every day feeling empty and I will carry on with my day-to-day life, until maybe, just maybe, you decide to tell me that I’m not alone in this and that you too have felt empty since we’ve been apart.
What Are You Still Doing Here?
Dear You.
I had a brutal crush on you but I said to myself I wouldn't do anything about it. When I heard about you and another girl though, I thought it's now or never. So I simply walked to where you were and since then there has only been you.
You make me laugh so much and you awaken every butterfly in me. You whisper sweet words in my ear and I want to hug you all the time and you tell me you want me to. Your eyes widen when I give you a thousand kisses all over your face and I remember you said I'm best person you have been with. I don't think about what's happening or will happen, I'm just enjoying every moment with you.
But in every relationship we have - with girls, boys, friends - sooner or later we argue. And suddenly it all feels so fragile.
Will he reject me if I ask for a kiss instead of talking about whatever we think different about?
I really want you. I really like you. But I don't tell you that tonight. Instead I'm doing what I know is wrong - I'm walking away, I'm going home. Because even if we're having an incredible time, I don't really know you and your thoughts and if you think "us" is happening too fast instead of so fast, I don't want to hear it tonight. Each day, I am wanting to have you one more day so me liking you as much as I do is really freaking me out.
(( And to all of you whose hearts are aching by liking someone and not doing anything about it - what are you still doing here? Go tell them, go take a shot, go fall in love! Sometimes you have to give life a push and hope that it's the right time and place and that both are ready for what may come. The worst thing that can happen isn't even that bad - if he/she doesn't feel the same at least you will feel awesome about telling them how special they are. But if everything goes well, it can be amazing. Remember though - your heart will ache anyway, because you're so scared to screw it all up and the feeling you get by the thought of losing something great is almost as awful as not having it at all. Lots of love to all of you! ))
I had a brutal crush on you but I said to myself I wouldn't do anything about it. When I heard about you and another girl though, I thought it's now or never. So I simply walked to where you were and since then there has only been you.
You make me laugh so much and you awaken every butterfly in me. You whisper sweet words in my ear and I want to hug you all the time and you tell me you want me to. Your eyes widen when I give you a thousand kisses all over your face and I remember you said I'm best person you have been with. I don't think about what's happening or will happen, I'm just enjoying every moment with you.
But in every relationship we have - with girls, boys, friends - sooner or later we argue. And suddenly it all feels so fragile.
What will happen now?
How much does he like me?
Will this end what's between us?
Wow, there's so many things I still don't know about him.
Will he hurt me?
Will he say things that makes me cry?
If I stay now, will he take me in his arms if I get sad?
If I go now, will he call me tomorrow?
Gosh, WHY do I have to be so emotional?
Does he think I'm too sensitive?
Is this about what he said about things going so fast?
Wait - it was "so fast", not "too fast", right? Damn. I can't remember.
What does he want me to say when he tells me that?
But if he meant it in a bad way, why would he also tell me he doesn't want to be with anyone else?
I hope that part wont change now when we argue.
Is he as scared of all those feelings as I am?
I wish I was a mindreader.
What was we even arguing about?
Oh, I remember. Are we really having an argue about that?
Well, I guess this learns us that both are really stubborn.
I don't want him over there. I want him to be closer.
How much does he like me?
Will this end what's between us?
Wow, there's so many things I still don't know about him.
Will he hurt me?
Will he say things that makes me cry?
If I stay now, will he take me in his arms if I get sad?
If I go now, will he call me tomorrow?
Gosh, WHY do I have to be so emotional?
Does he think I'm too sensitive?
Is this about what he said about things going so fast?
Wait - it was "so fast", not "too fast", right? Damn. I can't remember.
What does he want me to say when he tells me that?
But if he meant it in a bad way, why would he also tell me he doesn't want to be with anyone else?
I hope that part wont change now when we argue.
Is he as scared of all those feelings as I am?
I wish I was a mindreader.
What was we even arguing about?
Oh, I remember. Are we really having an argue about that?
Well, I guess this learns us that both are really stubborn.
I don't want him over there. I want him to be closer.
Will he reject me if I ask for a kiss instead of talking about whatever we think different about?
I really want you. I really like you. But I don't tell you that tonight. Instead I'm doing what I know is wrong - I'm walking away, I'm going home. Because even if we're having an incredible time, I don't really know you and your thoughts and if you think "us" is happening too fast instead of so fast, I don't want to hear it tonight. Each day, I am wanting to have you one more day so me liking you as much as I do is really freaking me out.
(( And to all of you whose hearts are aching by liking someone and not doing anything about it - what are you still doing here? Go tell them, go take a shot, go fall in love! Sometimes you have to give life a push and hope that it's the right time and place and that both are ready for what may come. The worst thing that can happen isn't even that bad - if he/she doesn't feel the same at least you will feel awesome about telling them how special they are. But if everything goes well, it can be amazing. Remember though - your heart will ache anyway, because you're so scared to screw it all up and the feeling you get by the thought of losing something great is almost as awful as not having it at all. Lots of love to all of you! ))
Saturday, June 11, 2011
I Know What Love Is
This isn’t a story about a breakup.
This is a story about recovery, about strength, and, most importantly, about love.
Three weeks into a perfect relationship, depression hit me. I was a complete mess. And despite my weekly therapy sessions and medication, it only seemed to be getting worse. I knew I was unsuccessfully hiding it from him so, by some miracle, I managed to gather up the strength and explain to him the cause of my unpredictability and moodiness.
I expected the worst. We were both in different places, our relationship was just starting, and depression is not an easy burden to bear. But I was so wrong to doubt that boy. It was that weekend that I realized I was in love with this person who was willing to take care of me through all the hardship life was throwing my way.
Sadly, things only seemed to get worse. I realized my depression had wrapped itself around our relationship; any little thing he said or did could set me off. I cried myself to sleep almost every night, and I could sense his frustration when he could do nothing to comfort me while I was alone. It was so hard for me to separate my true feelings from the depression, and the confusion made our relationship almost unbearable.
Here we are, months later, and I’m not going to lie, things aren’t perfect. Just last week I was convinced we’d be better off apart, but the depression has died down and my self-awareness has made it so much easier to see the truth behind my sadness. Every day I am more and more grateful that he’s always been there for me, never once got upset or turned his back on me. He’s been patient and supportive and everything I could ask for in a boyfriend. I love him more than anything, and although there are more trials ahead of us and we may not last forever, I will always remember our time together and the kindness he’s shown me.
It is because of you, that I know what love is.
This is a story about recovery, about strength, and, most importantly, about love.
Three weeks into a perfect relationship, depression hit me. I was a complete mess. And despite my weekly therapy sessions and medication, it only seemed to be getting worse. I knew I was unsuccessfully hiding it from him so, by some miracle, I managed to gather up the strength and explain to him the cause of my unpredictability and moodiness.
I expected the worst. We were both in different places, our relationship was just starting, and depression is not an easy burden to bear. But I was so wrong to doubt that boy. It was that weekend that I realized I was in love with this person who was willing to take care of me through all the hardship life was throwing my way.
Sadly, things only seemed to get worse. I realized my depression had wrapped itself around our relationship; any little thing he said or did could set me off. I cried myself to sleep almost every night, and I could sense his frustration when he could do nothing to comfort me while I was alone. It was so hard for me to separate my true feelings from the depression, and the confusion made our relationship almost unbearable.
Here we are, months later, and I’m not going to lie, things aren’t perfect. Just last week I was convinced we’d be better off apart, but the depression has died down and my self-awareness has made it so much easier to see the truth behind my sadness. Every day I am more and more grateful that he’s always been there for me, never once got upset or turned his back on me. He’s been patient and supportive and everything I could ask for in a boyfriend. I love him more than anything, and although there are more trials ahead of us and we may not last forever, I will always remember our time together and the kindness he’s shown me.
It is because of you, that I know what love is.
You Should Have
You should have said no and this whole thing would have been avoided. But you didn't. You never even fathomed that I was in your mind. In the back of your very head. You let her bat her eyes, touch your arm, tease you til you couldn't take it anymore. But most of all, you betrayed me. All I want to know is, why? What did she have that I couldn't have offered you? Why did she flood back into your memories? Why did you cave into her little game? You should have said no. You should have shoved her away. Told her to leave. Something! But instead, you caved. Gave in to her every whim. Her every desire. Once she was satisfied, it was too late. You betrayed me. You lied to me. You straight up forgot I even existed in your life.
Was it worth it? Was it worth this? Was it worth losing me? Losing everything you once held so closely to? I feel really cheated, in fact, I was cheated. I never expected this. Especially from you. You were the last person I ever expected to hurt me this badly. So badly, I didn't want to get up out of bed. I just wanted to lie there all day. Forget the world. Forget you. But, I knew I couldn't. I had to get up. Dress up. Put on my face. Fake that smile. Get through my day. Without you... But, I don't think you would have made it any better. You sure did enough. I just don't understand it. I don't understand you. All I know is now, I can't even look at you. You should have said no!
You lost me.
Was it worth it? Was it worth this? Was it worth losing me? Losing everything you once held so closely to? I feel really cheated, in fact, I was cheated. I never expected this. Especially from you. You were the last person I ever expected to hurt me this badly. So badly, I didn't want to get up out of bed. I just wanted to lie there all day. Forget the world. Forget you. But, I knew I couldn't. I had to get up. Dress up. Put on my face. Fake that smile. Get through my day. Without you... But, I don't think you would have made it any better. You sure did enough. I just don't understand it. I don't understand you. All I know is now, I can't even look at you. You should have said no!
You lost me.
Dear Mr.
Dear Mr.
You have been one of my greatest love. My fear is that no one will ever be what you are to me and today I had to make a decision. I could no longer live in limbo, I could no longer live without you and with you all at the same time. I could not think of everyone else who has you when I am not there or that you might avoid me the next day after loving me the night before.
You are incredible and a man who will achieve all and know no boundaries, I am drawn to your soul like it was made to light mine up. But I know that you cant be who I am wanting you to be. Even though you were my Mr., you cant be him because my heart will feel it too.
You have been one of my greatest love. My fear is that no one will ever be what you are to me and today I had to make a decision. I could no longer live in limbo, I could no longer live without you and with you all at the same time. I could not think of everyone else who has you when I am not there or that you might avoid me the next day after loving me the night before.
You are incredible and a man who will achieve all and know no boundaries, I am drawn to your soul like it was made to light mine up. But I know that you cant be who I am wanting you to be. Even though you were my Mr., you cant be him because my heart will feel it too.
A Wake Up Call
I am not sure what to do anymore. I seen a lot of things happening and I dont know what to do anymore. Do I need to just let it go or carry it on for the rest of my life? I am so hurt, I can barely stand being here. Is it time for a wake up call and really realize things arent going to be the way I want them to be? Am I going to have to compromise and lose myself in the process of being happy? Life seems to be a big wake up call and I am learning my the rough way. I am not sure which way is right or wrong anymore. I just wish it all could be clear.
Was this all a wake up call, only time will tell. ... when you came into my life I had never thought it would have gotten this far. I thought it was a fling, never realized it would have been more than that. We share a son together, emotions, love and everything else. When will I realize what I really have, is it before I lose you or will it be just in time to save what we have? The wake up call is here and now, what am I going to do with it.
You gave me chances and more chances and all I have ever done is walk all over you and make you lose your faith in me. When you say things that scare me its like, I realize I am on the verge of losing you. I dont know what I would do if I ever lost you. Waking up to a reality is much better than a dream. So I want to make my dreams become a reality. The time is now, not going to have much longer.
Was this all a wake up call, only time will tell. ... when you came into my life I had never thought it would have gotten this far. I thought it was a fling, never realized it would have been more than that. We share a son together, emotions, love and everything else. When will I realize what I really have, is it before I lose you or will it be just in time to save what we have? The wake up call is here and now, what am I going to do with it.
You gave me chances and more chances and all I have ever done is walk all over you and make you lose your faith in me. When you say things that scare me its like, I realize I am on the verge of losing you. I dont know what I would do if I ever lost you. Waking up to a reality is much better than a dream. So I want to make my dreams become a reality. The time is now, not going to have much longer.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)