Do you believe in what people call "soulmates?" I, for one, do not. I’ve been told my way of looking at love is cynical but I don’t think so. I believe that a person call fall in love with anyone, given the timing is right. People fall in and out of your life, I don’t believe in destiny, things happen for no reason and you are left to try to control it - although you know you can’t. I only try to convince myself things are meant to be when something negative happens. But in the end, I don’t think it works like that.
My friends are not my friends because they are better than other people - I’ve learned to love them by being around them and getting to know them. If I spent time with most people, granted they weren’t extremely rude and had no interest in me, I could probably love them just as much as I love my friends now.
But somethings I find harder to explain, like the way you can meet people who just feel right for you. But then again, this might also be coincidence - and timing. But it is all so very shallow. I wish I could look at people and oversee their physical appearance. But of course that’s not possible. But if it was, I really wonder what I’d see.
But do not mistake me, if there is something I believe in it is love.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Trapped Inside My Brain
I have never tasted love.
I have never been blessed with the true feeling of love. I've always felt like an outcast in that way. Placed beside the world of loving individuals. Like it's not meant for me. You see, I'm a dreamer. And in my dreams I'm head over hills in love and it's mutual. Unfortunately, this makes me an observer. I observe everything and everyone around me, and the importance of my own actions fails. It's like I'm trapped inside my brain and completely unable to... do life. I think I'm in love with the thought of being in love, how cliché it may sound. And I don't want to wait forever. Maybe I'm just gonna have to accept it. Maybe there is this insignificant number of all the billion people on earth, who just aren't supposed to fall in love...
I have never been blessed with the true feeling of love. I've always felt like an outcast in that way. Placed beside the world of loving individuals. Like it's not meant for me. You see, I'm a dreamer. And in my dreams I'm head over hills in love and it's mutual. Unfortunately, this makes me an observer. I observe everything and everyone around me, and the importance of my own actions fails. It's like I'm trapped inside my brain and completely unable to... do life. I think I'm in love with the thought of being in love, how cliché it may sound. And I don't want to wait forever. Maybe I'm just gonna have to accept it. Maybe there is this insignificant number of all the billion people on earth, who just aren't supposed to fall in love...
But There You Are
Here I am, remembering about us again. I don’t know why all this is coming back now. I've dealt with it in virtually every aspect of my life, because the similarities seem to come up in some way or another. and you know what? I haven’t let myself fall for anyone again. No one has made me feel the way you could make me feel, and I wonder if anyone ever will.
All I know right now is that I’ve grown up a lot since then. And it makes me smile every time I think about it. I guess because I don’t like to admit to myself that all that drama and all that attention back then, I loved it. I loved it at first when I wasn’t worried of the possibilities that came later. I loved the way you made me feel. I loved how you could always make me laugh, and how many times you’d catch my eye in the middle of that laughter, and for a moment i believed that things could be different.
Deep down though, I guess I always knew they never would be.
That was the problem-- you were way out of my league, and I knew that. It made it so frustrating, so ironic, that I couldn’t help myself from having such a hopeless crush. But it was because you were different. You were one of the few guys I always had respect for, you were the one who I laughed with and looked forward to seeing every day. I don’t know if you knew it or not. Everyone else sure did. But you gave me a chance, and I let down my guard. I tricked myself into having hope, when I so clearly shouldn’t have had any. And from there, I suddenly freaked out. I suddenly realized how much it was screwing me up, and I couldn’t do a thing about it.
For the past two years, I’ve been trying to let it go. Trying to move on with my life, avoiding any brush I might have with the past, avoiding any encounter I think I might have that would change the way things were. They were over. And I wanted myself to believe that.
But the thing is, it’s not over. I guess I’m just now realizing that it’s never going to be over. Maybe I should have dealt with it better than I did. But, I couldn't, and when I left, things were a mess. They still are. I thought it would go away; I thought I would forget you and everything we once were.
But I haven’t. I’ve wished so many times that I could forget, but there you are-- constantly on my mind, it seems, because tiny little things always trigger my memory. I try to push it away, instead of dealing with it. That’s what I do with anything that makes me uncomfortable. I suppose I should be learning how to understand my own emotions. I certainly have enough of them, and that’s hardly your fault. hell, I don’t even know I'm writing this. It’s not like you’ll ever know what I think. I am a distant memory to you, if anything. I see you and I can tell what you're feeling. I know things will never be the same between us. You love her, and she's all that matters to you. She's all that will ever matter to you no matter what I do and no matter what I say. And even though every time I see you is a turning point in my life, it will hardly matter to yours.
I guess I should get used to that.
All I know right now is that I’ve grown up a lot since then. And it makes me smile every time I think about it. I guess because I don’t like to admit to myself that all that drama and all that attention back then, I loved it. I loved it at first when I wasn’t worried of the possibilities that came later. I loved the way you made me feel. I loved how you could always make me laugh, and how many times you’d catch my eye in the middle of that laughter, and for a moment i believed that things could be different.
Deep down though, I guess I always knew they never would be.
That was the problem-- you were way out of my league, and I knew that. It made it so frustrating, so ironic, that I couldn’t help myself from having such a hopeless crush. But it was because you were different. You were one of the few guys I always had respect for, you were the one who I laughed with and looked forward to seeing every day. I don’t know if you knew it or not. Everyone else sure did. But you gave me a chance, and I let down my guard. I tricked myself into having hope, when I so clearly shouldn’t have had any. And from there, I suddenly freaked out. I suddenly realized how much it was screwing me up, and I couldn’t do a thing about it.
For the past two years, I’ve been trying to let it go. Trying to move on with my life, avoiding any brush I might have with the past, avoiding any encounter I think I might have that would change the way things were. They were over. And I wanted myself to believe that.
But the thing is, it’s not over. I guess I’m just now realizing that it’s never going to be over. Maybe I should have dealt with it better than I did. But, I couldn't, and when I left, things were a mess. They still are. I thought it would go away; I thought I would forget you and everything we once were.
But I haven’t. I’ve wished so many times that I could forget, but there you are-- constantly on my mind, it seems, because tiny little things always trigger my memory. I try to push it away, instead of dealing with it. That’s what I do with anything that makes me uncomfortable. I suppose I should be learning how to understand my own emotions. I certainly have enough of them, and that’s hardly your fault. hell, I don’t even know I'm writing this. It’s not like you’ll ever know what I think. I am a distant memory to you, if anything. I see you and I can tell what you're feeling. I know things will never be the same between us. You love her, and she's all that matters to you. She's all that will ever matter to you no matter what I do and no matter what I say. And even though every time I see you is a turning point in my life, it will hardly matter to yours.
I guess I should get used to that.
I Don't Want To Be Your Best Version
You give me the kind of feeling people write novels about. I mean that in the worst way possible. I mean the kind of novels that make you cry when you’re writing them and when you’re reading them.
I don’t know how we got here. I have no idea what tricks of fate and destiny lead us to be where we are now. What I do know is that this feeling is familiar and I hate that this is an endless cycle of you constantly letting me down. So here’s what I’m doing. This one is for me. I think you’re old enough to make your own mind up. And I think it’s time you did.
For so long I have waited, hoped, wished and based everything I’ve done on you and maximising my chances of seeing you or talking to you. But this is it. The end of the line. From now on I will not stare at the phone waiting for a message, a call, a voice of hope. From now on I will walk forward when I see you and I will move forward. I will not search for you in crowds or hope to get surprise visits at work. From now on, things will be for me, for my benefit and you won’t be a deciding factor.
They were never surprise visits anyway. They were all after thoughts of a planned event that so happened to be near my work. You never went out of your way to see me. I was the after thought. I always was. To you, I was plan B. And though you would never admit it to me, I always knew I was. I don’t think you were ever really honest with me, I don’t think you knew how to be honest. When I asked you a question there was always a pause before your answer, like you were trying to see ahead to my reaction before you jumped in. It isn’t fair. You were never fair.
Starting as the ‘other woman’ was the end of who I was. I thought I was happy with who I was, who you made me to be. After cogitating who I was and my personal perspective of myself, I came to a conclusion. I hated who I was, who you made me to be. There was no way that you brought out the best in me. And I don’t know that you ever could.
I was the secret in your relationship with her. And I don’t know that I was the only one. You’re shady. You aren’t always honest. You aren’t clear. And sometimes, I don’t think I know you.
You never told me how you really felt. There were snippets. Titbits. But the truth was never told. I haven’t heard the full story. And I don’t think you’ll ever tell me. At least, not until you’ve realized no other woman is going to even consider accepting you and your shady antics. And as much as I don’t want to, I can’t think about anything other than you. And I hate it.
But between fights you, you found out how I felt. I tried so hard to hide it, to bury it inside, but that night, I erupted and the lava of my emotions flowed out and hit you square in the face. And you did the worse thing possible. I will never forget what you did. And I don’t think you will either. You ran. And even though you didn’t want a relationship, you denied it all, you backed off and you ran. But there is no denying this, we were never just friends.
You could never accept that there was definitely something strong between us. You hide behind your ego. But when the shadows faded and the real you emerged, another barrier rose. You’d tell me you didn’t want to get hurt again. Well, to be honest, you telling me that hurt me. For you to think that I would do anything like what she did to you proved to me that you didn’t know me. You don’t know me. And I don’t think you want to. Not until you realize that I’m it. But I’m not always going to be here. Like you said, I have a lot to experience in life and I’m not going to waste it waiting for you to decide.
So here’s what I want. I want you. I want to you to want me. I want you to want me first. I want there to be no one else. I want it to be me.
So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to stop dwelling. I’m going to stop watching the phone. I’m going to stop looking for you. I’m going to move on. I’m going to meet people. I’m going to live. I’m going to forget all the nights I spent wishing you were here. I’m going to forget the times that it was just us. I’m going to forget the things that shouldn’t have happened. I’m going to forget all the times I opened myself up to let you in, to only get hurt in return.I’m going to forget how I felt about you.
Instead, I’m going to subconsciously wait. If you really want me, if you miss me, if you can’t breathe without me, you’ll know. You’ll ring. You’ll text. You’ll visit. And if you drift, if you don’t call, if there’s no texts, if there’s no visits. I’ll know. I’ll know it was never meant to be. And I will continue moving on. And I’m going to walk tall.
But in between everything I will forget, I won’t forget the lesson I’ve learnt. I won’t forget the feeling of loving someone. I won’t forget the feeling of thinking I’m loved. And I will certainly not forget the hell I was put through to learn all this, to become a better person.
I remember you telling me that ‘you’re never the same person twice’. Good. I never want to be this person again. And I am going to do whatever I can to make sure I am the best me I can be. I don’t want to be your best version. This time, it’s for me.
I don’t know how we got here. I have no idea what tricks of fate and destiny lead us to be where we are now. What I do know is that this feeling is familiar and I hate that this is an endless cycle of you constantly letting me down. So here’s what I’m doing. This one is for me. I think you’re old enough to make your own mind up. And I think it’s time you did.
For so long I have waited, hoped, wished and based everything I’ve done on you and maximising my chances of seeing you or talking to you. But this is it. The end of the line. From now on I will not stare at the phone waiting for a message, a call, a voice of hope. From now on I will walk forward when I see you and I will move forward. I will not search for you in crowds or hope to get surprise visits at work. From now on, things will be for me, for my benefit and you won’t be a deciding factor.
They were never surprise visits anyway. They were all after thoughts of a planned event that so happened to be near my work. You never went out of your way to see me. I was the after thought. I always was. To you, I was plan B. And though you would never admit it to me, I always knew I was. I don’t think you were ever really honest with me, I don’t think you knew how to be honest. When I asked you a question there was always a pause before your answer, like you were trying to see ahead to my reaction before you jumped in. It isn’t fair. You were never fair.
Starting as the ‘other woman’ was the end of who I was. I thought I was happy with who I was, who you made me to be. After cogitating who I was and my personal perspective of myself, I came to a conclusion. I hated who I was, who you made me to be. There was no way that you brought out the best in me. And I don’t know that you ever could.
I was the secret in your relationship with her. And I don’t know that I was the only one. You’re shady. You aren’t always honest. You aren’t clear. And sometimes, I don’t think I know you.
You never told me how you really felt. There were snippets. Titbits. But the truth was never told. I haven’t heard the full story. And I don’t think you’ll ever tell me. At least, not until you’ve realized no other woman is going to even consider accepting you and your shady antics. And as much as I don’t want to, I can’t think about anything other than you. And I hate it.
But between fights you, you found out how I felt. I tried so hard to hide it, to bury it inside, but that night, I erupted and the lava of my emotions flowed out and hit you square in the face. And you did the worse thing possible. I will never forget what you did. And I don’t think you will either. You ran. And even though you didn’t want a relationship, you denied it all, you backed off and you ran. But there is no denying this, we were never just friends.
You could never accept that there was definitely something strong between us. You hide behind your ego. But when the shadows faded and the real you emerged, another barrier rose. You’d tell me you didn’t want to get hurt again. Well, to be honest, you telling me that hurt me. For you to think that I would do anything like what she did to you proved to me that you didn’t know me. You don’t know me. And I don’t think you want to. Not until you realize that I’m it. But I’m not always going to be here. Like you said, I have a lot to experience in life and I’m not going to waste it waiting for you to decide.
So here’s what I want. I want you. I want to you to want me. I want you to want me first. I want there to be no one else. I want it to be me.
So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to stop dwelling. I’m going to stop watching the phone. I’m going to stop looking for you. I’m going to move on. I’m going to meet people. I’m going to live. I’m going to forget all the nights I spent wishing you were here. I’m going to forget the times that it was just us. I’m going to forget the things that shouldn’t have happened. I’m going to forget all the times I opened myself up to let you in, to only get hurt in return.I’m going to forget how I felt about you.
Instead, I’m going to subconsciously wait. If you really want me, if you miss me, if you can’t breathe without me, you’ll know. You’ll ring. You’ll text. You’ll visit. And if you drift, if you don’t call, if there’s no texts, if there’s no visits. I’ll know. I’ll know it was never meant to be. And I will continue moving on. And I’m going to walk tall.
But in between everything I will forget, I won’t forget the lesson I’ve learnt. I won’t forget the feeling of loving someone. I won’t forget the feeling of thinking I’m loved. And I will certainly not forget the hell I was put through to learn all this, to become a better person.
I remember you telling me that ‘you’re never the same person twice’. Good. I never want to be this person again. And I am going to do whatever I can to make sure I am the best me I can be. I don’t want to be your best version. This time, it’s for me.
Apology
I think I may have lost that one person. That you want to hate but you can't because despite all the pain you love them so much. Hate is not an option. I still love you I fear I always will. I know it is mostly my fault for resisting you and putting up a barrier. Something I created out of knowing that you could break my heart in a moment. I think I may have lost you. And I just want you to know I am sorry. I just wish you could see how much I love you. And I hate myself for not showing it to you more. And now I have learned too late that barriers don't protect me they just hurt you. And that breaks my heart more then anything. I loved you right away because you saw through me and did not care how hard I made it. You were kind and generous. I love you with all my heart and I hope you can somehow forgive me for pushing you away. You made me delicate and I wake up crying thinking of how far you are. I am sorry for playing hard to get after the games were over. I love you with all my heart.
When The Time Is Right It Will Happen
Realizations of love and general inspiring thoughts:
I just wanted to say I think the best people in life are the ones that get brokenhearted, time and time again and can still open their hearts to love after the exasperating pain of heart break. Those are the best kinds of people in life.
The ability to love anything and anyone is a gift. And anyone who hasn't found love yet should not fear, because it's fear that drives you to insanity and worry. But its hope that sends you to belief and opens your heart again to love and for love. And once you've found it, and really found it, love will never let you down. It will be faithful and kind. Love will be beautiful and unpredictable. And even though I haven't found it, I feel all these things for it. I don't know why and I don't know how, but I can tell you I really do believe in love.
I just wanted to say that to anyone who is going through something right now, because I'm in a state of heart broken heartedness, and over my best friend that I have loved to the core of my soul for about 3 years of my life. But unfortunately he doesn't feel the same. He wants to find something better I presume and I'm not that. I've sometimes felt unworthy of love and inadequate, almost useless. But one day I'm gonna get over it and I'm going to find love and love will find me back. And to those who are broken, it may not seem like it now, but take me for example with such an emotional attachment like mine it cannot be overcome in a day. But I know it's gonna happen for me.
I know this sounds like a motivational talk for everyone but I was just feeling inspired. I just wanted to get one of the nice things I was feeling about love off my chest. But of course I'm angry, hurt and frustrated sometimes, that's a natural emotion just know you should be all driven to smile and be happy with the thought of the hope of love.
And to those who have found love, be happy. Don't let go, hold on tight, because he or she is a keeper. And be inspired by that love, because people like myself who long to find 'the one' envy you and can't wait to be in your position. But I say to myself everyday when the time is right it will happen. And it will. I believe in love, do you?
I just wanted to say I think the best people in life are the ones that get brokenhearted, time and time again and can still open their hearts to love after the exasperating pain of heart break. Those are the best kinds of people in life.
The ability to love anything and anyone is a gift. And anyone who hasn't found love yet should not fear, because it's fear that drives you to insanity and worry. But its hope that sends you to belief and opens your heart again to love and for love. And once you've found it, and really found it, love will never let you down. It will be faithful and kind. Love will be beautiful and unpredictable. And even though I haven't found it, I feel all these things for it. I don't know why and I don't know how, but I can tell you I really do believe in love.
I just wanted to say that to anyone who is going through something right now, because I'm in a state of heart broken heartedness, and over my best friend that I have loved to the core of my soul for about 3 years of my life. But unfortunately he doesn't feel the same. He wants to find something better I presume and I'm not that. I've sometimes felt unworthy of love and inadequate, almost useless. But one day I'm gonna get over it and I'm going to find love and love will find me back. And to those who are broken, it may not seem like it now, but take me for example with such an emotional attachment like mine it cannot be overcome in a day. But I know it's gonna happen for me.
I know this sounds like a motivational talk for everyone but I was just feeling inspired. I just wanted to get one of the nice things I was feeling about love off my chest. But of course I'm angry, hurt and frustrated sometimes, that's a natural emotion just know you should be all driven to smile and be happy with the thought of the hope of love.
And to those who have found love, be happy. Don't let go, hold on tight, because he or she is a keeper. And be inspired by that love, because people like myself who long to find 'the one' envy you and can't wait to be in your position. But I say to myself everyday when the time is right it will happen. And it will. I believe in love, do you?
Maybe I Love Him
His ways, the way he treats me is not out of the ordinary. We were talking three years ago but turned out he didn't want anything so nothing happened... well not nothing per-say. He wanted to be friends, I said fine but I have been on an emotional roller coaster with him that I have told him we can't be friends several times. I have ignored, we have stopped talking and everything your friends tell you how to get over a crush that didnt work out. But with all these advice there's nothing you can really do but be addicted to him. We had a "No Strings Attached" moment and still continuing but it's not as much as before considering the fact he has someone now. I have done the crying and the rejection feeling has passed, at least I always lie to myself that it has. Now we are "friends" I talk to him like any guy friends I have had but this one has a flirt recipe in it and he does the same. He claims he cares for me, he claims he wants me in his life, loves talking to me and yet nothing would ever happen. I stopped having hope but when you hear someone say "you never know." Never say never. I just want to punch him ni the face but I can't help that I like him... a lot and enjoy his annoying presence and remind myself we will never ever be together. So I say to myself I will get over him, he will be a memory of the past, eh will be gone or maybe I love him? But that can't be... it really can't but I do wish I was over him and wish he can just leave me alone for real this time not for a week or so then tell me he misses me.
This has got to be a phase... because love can not be.
This has got to be a phase... because love can not be.
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